Major League Baseball is investigating allegations that Yankee 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez played in a high stakes poker game that included Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck. Apparently, A-Rod seeks additional excitement in his otherwise boring routine of being seated in a luxury suite at the Super Bowl being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz.
The best part of Poker Night With The Guys is the verbal byplay around the table. One imagines the witty repartee among this quartet of the Rich and Famous:
"Tobey, what does your Spidey Sense tell you about my hole cards? You call? Sorry, Webslinger, I win the pot. It's time for you to don the blue and red suit for "Spiderman 4 - Thirty Something Guy Tries To Convince Us That He Is A Misunderstood College Age Crime-Fighter" assuming you can still fit into the suit, that is."
"Leo, do you want more cards or not? This is taking longer than your soliloquy treading frigid water next to that raft at the end of "Titanic". Guys! Let's immerse Leo chest deep in 34° water for a half hour. Shrinkage alert!"
"Ben, raising the pot with cards like that showing makes about as much sense as agreeing to star in "Gigli". I know that Jen Lopez really wanted to do it but now you've lost both her and your career."
"A-Rod, staring at those cards isn't going to change them. Of course, you are good at changing some things - like girlfriends - going from Madonna to Kate Hudson to Cameron Diaz. Isn't it amazing how $25 million per year turns you into a chick magnet?"
Even for the Rich and Famous, the card playing is secondary to the male bonding.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Prank or Vandalism?
What is the difference between a prank and vandalism? In some cases, the difference is clear. The classic flaming bag of dog poop placed on the cranky neighbor's porch is a prank. A flaming bottle full of gasoline tossed through the cranky neighbor's window is vandalism.
Sometimes, the difference is not so obvious. Last week, five kids broke into a home in the Poconos "and threw about fifty stones at the eleven pet alligators there injuring at least two of the animals" according to police reports. A harmless prank? Felonious vandalism? Or is it something else? You decide.
"The owner had the alligators X-rayed. The estimated medical cost to treat their injuries is $6,000" At that price, it sounds like felonious vandalism to me. That cost estimate may also include psychiatric care for the dog and cat owners traumatized in the vet's waiting room when the gator owner entered with eleven presumably angry reptiles in tow. "OMG, Bernice, there I was with Fluffy waiting on her annual distemper shot when eleven gators come waddling in. Fluffy coughed up a hairball the size of a grapefruit."
If the Casey Anthony trial has taught us anything, it is that we should not rush to judgement even if Nancy Grace tells us to do so. The police report continues, "The alligators are various sizes, ranging from 30 pounds to more than 200 pounds." Maybe the "harmless prank" defense won't convince a jury, but an "insanity" defense would be foolproof. "We got bored with frying ants with a magnifying glass, Your Honor, so we naturally decided to throw stones at reptiles that weigh more than we do. What could possibly go wrong?"
Is it a harmless prank, vandalism, or something else? I vote for "incredible stupidity".
Sometimes, the difference is not so obvious. Last week, five kids broke into a home in the Poconos "and threw about fifty stones at the eleven pet alligators there injuring at least two of the animals" according to police reports. A harmless prank? Felonious vandalism? Or is it something else? You decide.
"The owner had the alligators X-rayed. The estimated medical cost to treat their injuries is $6,000" At that price, it sounds like felonious vandalism to me. That cost estimate may also include psychiatric care for the dog and cat owners traumatized in the vet's waiting room when the gator owner entered with eleven presumably angry reptiles in tow. "OMG, Bernice, there I was with Fluffy waiting on her annual distemper shot when eleven gators come waddling in. Fluffy coughed up a hairball the size of a grapefruit."
If the Casey Anthony trial has taught us anything, it is that we should not rush to judgement even if Nancy Grace tells us to do so. The police report continues, "The alligators are various sizes, ranging from 30 pounds to more than 200 pounds." Maybe the "harmless prank" defense won't convince a jury, but an "insanity" defense would be foolproof. "We got bored with frying ants with a magnifying glass, Your Honor, so we naturally decided to throw stones at reptiles that weigh more than we do. What could possibly go wrong?"
Is it a harmless prank, vandalism, or something else? I vote for "incredible stupidity".
Friday, July 8, 2011
Horrible Bosses
This week's Summer Blockbuster Premiere is "Horrible Bosses", a film that is somewhat easier for most of us to identify with than its competition "Zookeeper" wherein talking animals give their human keeper social advice. It strains credulity to see a talking gorilla pick up an attractive girl in a night club. On the other hand, who couldn't identify with an average-looking guy who is sexually pursued by his boss played by Jennifer Aniston? That's reality - Hollywood style.
What if "Horrible Bosses" dealt in actual workday reality? Incidents with "horrible bosses" from my past might make for a cinematic treasure.
1. I set up and ran a test program to better manufacture ceramic cooktops in Toledo, OH. We had never done this before. Our customer happened to be the brother of our company's CEO. Failure was not an option. Actually, taking the blame for failure was not an option. Before we started up, my boss dropped by and informed me, "If this thing works, I'll come back to take the credit. If it doesn't, it is all your fault and I was back in Allentown the whole time." It wasn't exactly being sexually harassed by Jennifer Aniston or even Phyllis Diller, but it was scary. Thankfully, the test program worked.
2. Besides taking credit and avoiding blame, bosses are concerned with maintaining departmental budgets. The fiscal year was only half over, we had plenty of projects on the West Coast, and we were nearing the limit on our Travel Budget. Our boss called a Group Meeting. "I know that some of you have relatives living on the West Coast. Why not stay with your relatives when you go out there on business? Better yet, why not arrange for your co-workers to stay with your relatives? It would really help our Travel Budget."
The movie scene based on this incident begins with a forlorn engineer knocking on a stranger's door. ""Hi! You don't know me but I work with your brother-in-law. Our Travel Budget is a little tight right now and I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days. I'll babysit your kids at night!"
3. The climactic scene from "Real Horrible Bosses" has to be when the boss somberly intones, "This is the toughest thing I have to do. The company is forcing us to downsize and we have to let you go. I'll just stand here along with this jackbooted Security Guard while you pack up your personal belongings to make sure you don't steal any company property. It breaks my heart to do this, but my bonuses and stock options will have me feeling better in no time."
That might be too "real world" for Hollywood.
What if "Horrible Bosses" dealt in actual workday reality? Incidents with "horrible bosses" from my past might make for a cinematic treasure.
1. I set up and ran a test program to better manufacture ceramic cooktops in Toledo, OH. We had never done this before. Our customer happened to be the brother of our company's CEO. Failure was not an option. Actually, taking the blame for failure was not an option. Before we started up, my boss dropped by and informed me, "If this thing works, I'll come back to take the credit. If it doesn't, it is all your fault and I was back in Allentown the whole time." It wasn't exactly being sexually harassed by Jennifer Aniston or even Phyllis Diller, but it was scary. Thankfully, the test program worked.
2. Besides taking credit and avoiding blame, bosses are concerned with maintaining departmental budgets. The fiscal year was only half over, we had plenty of projects on the West Coast, and we were nearing the limit on our Travel Budget. Our boss called a Group Meeting. "I know that some of you have relatives living on the West Coast. Why not stay with your relatives when you go out there on business? Better yet, why not arrange for your co-workers to stay with your relatives? It would really help our Travel Budget."
The movie scene based on this incident begins with a forlorn engineer knocking on a stranger's door. ""Hi! You don't know me but I work with your brother-in-law. Our Travel Budget is a little tight right now and I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days. I'll babysit your kids at night!"
3. The climactic scene from "Real Horrible Bosses" has to be when the boss somberly intones, "This is the toughest thing I have to do. The company is forcing us to downsize and we have to let you go. I'll just stand here along with this jackbooted Security Guard while you pack up your personal belongings to make sure you don't steal any company property. It breaks my heart to do this, but my bonuses and stock options will have me feeling better in no time."
That might be too "real world" for Hollywood.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Pop Quiz
Pop Quiz: Christian Mingle is …
· a. A star soccer player from Germany who is following David Beckham "across the pond" to play in America.
· b. The name of a dating service website that runs TV commercials in which the narrator says, "Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying, 'It's your time to act, the next move is yours.'"
(I'll let you think about this one.)
(Keep thinking.)
And … time! The answer is "b."
First, the Pope has a Twitter account. Now, God Himself starts a dating service website. It took Organized Religion centuries to acknowledge a heliocentric Solar System but only a few decades to enter the Digital Age. That's progress.
One wonders what survey questions might uncover "the seven layers of compatibility" for Christian Mingle applicants. It is of utmost importance to winnow out non-Christians who might want to sneak in.
"Mark if you "strongly agree", "agree", "disagree" or "strongly disagree":
1. Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment on New Orleans for its wicked ways.
2. Look out, New York, you're next now that you've legalized same sex marriage.
3. Converting a vacant coat store into a Muslim Center near Ground Zero is a sure sign that those Islamofascists are taking over.
4. Birth certificate or not, President Obama was born Muslim in Kenya or, more likely, in Mecca itself.
If you "strongly agree" with all four, welcome to Christian Mingle.
· a. A star soccer player from Germany who is following David Beckham "across the pond" to play in America.
· b. The name of a dating service website that runs TV commercials in which the narrator says, "Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying, 'It's your time to act, the next move is yours.'"
(I'll let you think about this one.)
(Keep thinking.)
And … time! The answer is "b."
First, the Pope has a Twitter account. Now, God Himself starts a dating service website. It took Organized Religion centuries to acknowledge a heliocentric Solar System but only a few decades to enter the Digital Age. That's progress.
One wonders what survey questions might uncover "the seven layers of compatibility" for Christian Mingle applicants. It is of utmost importance to winnow out non-Christians who might want to sneak in.
"Mark if you "strongly agree", "agree", "disagree" or "strongly disagree":
1. Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment on New Orleans for its wicked ways.
2. Look out, New York, you're next now that you've legalized same sex marriage.
3. Converting a vacant coat store into a Muslim Center near Ground Zero is a sure sign that those Islamofascists are taking over.
4. Birth certificate or not, President Obama was born Muslim in Kenya or, more likely, in Mecca itself.
If you "strongly agree" with all four, welcome to Christian Mingle.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What's My Motivation?
"Method" acting was all the rage in the movie acting from the '50s through the 80s. Marlon Brando actually became the brutish Stanley Kowalski in "Streetcar Named Desire" and later internalized the role of stately Vito Corleone in "The Godfather". Robert DeNiro transformed from the delusional Travis Bickle of "Taxi Driver" to the crazy in a different way Jake LaMotta in "Raging Bull". Meryl Streep was entirely convincing as the bitchy wife in "Kramer vs Kramer" and equally true as the victimized Sophie in "Sophie's Choice". Academy Awards for Best Actor seem to follow true Method Actors.
Move over, Marlon, Robert, and Meryl. Shia La Beouf is taking the Method Acting Highway to Oscarland. According to news reports, Shia was preparing to shoot a pivotal scene in "Transformers 3". To put himself in the proper frame of mind, he put a certain song from his iPod on the soundstage speakers. Director Michael Bay objected to the song. Shia took Bay aside and claimed, "This song is the crux of my whole character, my whole arc." Bay and Shia nearly came to blows. Finally, Bay left the set and La Beouf finished the scene with only the cameraman in attendance. Score one for artistic integrity. Who needs a Director around setting up all those special effects? It's not like moviegoers are coughing up $10 to see giant robots demolish Chicago. They are queuing up to see Shia LaBeouf emote.
A word of warning, though, Shia. Megan Fox got a little too big for her britches after Transformers 1 and 2 and found herself replaced by a Victoria's Secret model in "T3". No matter how good a Method Actor you are, could it be that the only irreplaceable parts of the Transformers franchise are Optimus Prime and Megatron?
You may win your Oscar, Shia, but crossing swords with the director could get you a pink slip before Transformers 4 starts shooting.
Move over, Marlon, Robert, and Meryl. Shia La Beouf is taking the Method Acting Highway to Oscarland. According to news reports, Shia was preparing to shoot a pivotal scene in "Transformers 3". To put himself in the proper frame of mind, he put a certain song from his iPod on the soundstage speakers. Director Michael Bay objected to the song. Shia took Bay aside and claimed, "This song is the crux of my whole character, my whole arc." Bay and Shia nearly came to blows. Finally, Bay left the set and La Beouf finished the scene with only the cameraman in attendance. Score one for artistic integrity. Who needs a Director around setting up all those special effects? It's not like moviegoers are coughing up $10 to see giant robots demolish Chicago. They are queuing up to see Shia LaBeouf emote.
A word of warning, though, Shia. Megan Fox got a little too big for her britches after Transformers 1 and 2 and found herself replaced by a Victoria's Secret model in "T3". No matter how good a Method Actor you are, could it be that the only irreplaceable parts of the Transformers franchise are Optimus Prime and Megatron?
You may win your Oscar, Shia, but crossing swords with the director could get you a pink slip before Transformers 4 starts shooting.
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Keys to Success
Sports analysis jargon is spreading.
July 4th is a slow sports day. Only major league baseball is really in season and how often can we talk about Jose Reyes' hamstring? Fortunately we have the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to fill those sport-free hours until the Phillies take to the field tonight. How can we turn gluttony into a sporting event? In-depth sports analysis, of course. Walking the dog and listening to Sports Radio this morning, I heard, "The keys to success in Competitive Eating are hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity." And the guy was serious!
As a sports fan, I'm familiar with the buzzwords of in-depth analysis. "Peyton Manning is great because of his quick release and his ability to move around in the pocket." "Chase Utley's bat speed through the hitting zone and his lower body strength are the secret to his power." "Kobe Bryant's ability to change direction in mid-air makes his shot unblockable."
Now I know the key to consuming 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I will never have quick release when throwing a football, bat speed through the hitting zone or the ability to change direction in mid-air, but I can rise to the heights of competitive eating by working on my hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity. As of today, I'm in training for next year's Nathan's Contest. Since there are about eight hot dogs per pound, all I have to do is wolf down 8.5 pounds of wieners in ten minutes. It sounds daunting, but now I know the keys to success.
July 4th is a slow sports day. Only major league baseball is really in season and how often can we talk about Jose Reyes' hamstring? Fortunately we have the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to fill those sport-free hours until the Phillies take to the field tonight. How can we turn gluttony into a sporting event? In-depth sports analysis, of course. Walking the dog and listening to Sports Radio this morning, I heard, "The keys to success in Competitive Eating are hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity." And the guy was serious!
As a sports fan, I'm familiar with the buzzwords of in-depth analysis. "Peyton Manning is great because of his quick release and his ability to move around in the pocket." "Chase Utley's bat speed through the hitting zone and his lower body strength are the secret to his power." "Kobe Bryant's ability to change direction in mid-air makes his shot unblockable."
Now I know the key to consuming 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I will never have quick release when throwing a football, bat speed through the hitting zone or the ability to change direction in mid-air, but I can rise to the heights of competitive eating by working on my hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity. As of today, I'm in training for next year's Nathan's Contest. Since there are about eight hot dogs per pound, all I have to do is wolf down 8.5 pounds of wieners in ten minutes. It sounds daunting, but now I know the keys to success.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Bunny Suit
VElectronics manufacture requires a Clean Room environment. Workers must dress in bulky "bunny suits" and pass through an "air shower" before entering the work space. "Bunny suits" provide more coverage than burkhas and conceal all body skin and hair surfaces. Having a bad hair day? Suffering from an acne attack? Put on a few unsightly pounds over the weekend? The "bunny suit" will prevent snarky comments from your co-workers because they'll never know. In the Clean Room, Julia Roberts looks just like Kathy Bates.
One wonders if transforming High Schools into Clean Rooms and requiring "bunny suits" wouldn't cut down on all that traumatizing "Mean Girls" nastiness. Of course gender identification might be a problem. "Dear Abby: I asked my Chem Lab partner to the Prom yesterday and it turned out that he was a dude. I never knew! He agreed because he thought that I was a girl. Do we go with pin-on or wrist corsages? Signed, Bunny Suited in Seattle."
The Bunny Suit Concept could actually extend beyond the Clean Room. As of last week, visitors to NY's Riker's Island Prison must wear size XXL tee-shirts before meeting their favorite inmate. Apparently, there has been a problem with "provocative clothing" on visitors. "Inmates made comments on other inmates visitors appearance which led to flared tempers and violence." Hard to believe that a provocatively-dressed babe on the other side of that Plexiglas wall could lead to problems in a prison environment.
Why not replace the XXL tee-shirts with bunny suits? That will eliminate the problem entirely. As a side benefit, why not have the properly-clad visitors assemble a cell phone or two on their way in to the prison? It will add money to the prison budget and provide job training. Talk about a win - win.
One wonders if transforming High Schools into Clean Rooms and requiring "bunny suits" wouldn't cut down on all that traumatizing "Mean Girls" nastiness. Of course gender identification might be a problem. "Dear Abby: I asked my Chem Lab partner to the Prom yesterday and it turned out that he was a dude. I never knew! He agreed because he thought that I was a girl. Do we go with pin-on or wrist corsages? Signed, Bunny Suited in Seattle."
The Bunny Suit Concept could actually extend beyond the Clean Room. As of last week, visitors to NY's Riker's Island Prison must wear size XXL tee-shirts before meeting their favorite inmate. Apparently, there has been a problem with "provocative clothing" on visitors. "Inmates made comments on other inmates visitors appearance which led to flared tempers and violence." Hard to believe that a provocatively-dressed babe on the other side of that Plexiglas wall could lead to problems in a prison environment.
Why not replace the XXL tee-shirts with bunny suits? That will eliminate the problem entirely. As a side benefit, why not have the properly-clad visitors assemble a cell phone or two on their way in to the prison? It will add money to the prison budget and provide job training. Talk about a win - win.
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