Griping about the workplace is as American as apple pie. It is also a proven means of maintaining one's sanity in Cubicle World, behind the counter at the shop, and especially in the military. One of the best bits in the movie M*A*S*H is the sergeant's consistent response to Hawkeye's and Trapper's hi-jinks - "G-d Army! G-d, G-d Army!" I echoed that for three years.
Apparently, griping is not allowed in the Central Bucks School District. A high school English teacher there described her students as "disengaged, lazy whiners" in a private blog. Alas, nothing is private in the Blogosphere. The School Board got wind of her comments and suspended her. A School Board member commented, "We should pay more attention to the accomplishments of this high-achieving District and less to the immature rants of an inexperienced young woman who has spent less than eight semesters in the classroom."
Parents, send your kids to Central Bucks schools. It must be Pennsylvania's version of "Lake Wobegone where the women are strong, the men are beautiful and all the children are above average". And there are no disengaged, lazy, whiny teenagers! Nothing but high-achievers here, thank you very much.
My guess, though, is that there may be just a few disengaged, lazy, whiny students in that District. If the School Board had a recorder in the Teachers' Lounge, they would have enough evidence to suspend the entire faculty on charges of Felonius Griping.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
A Killer Recruiting Pitch
A college Admissions Director's lot is not a happy one especially at this time of year. Acceptance letters are out and the heat is on to corral "the best freshman class ever". But what closing argument can an AD make to that all-star student whose parents are rich enough to donate a new Quadrangle (making the original one an Octagonal. Take that, Harvard!)?
The standard recruiting arguments have been done to death. "Every one of our pre-meds last year was accepted into Medical School (granted it was a Medical School in Honduras)." "None of our alumni who became a Fortune 500 CEO is currently in jail." "Our entire campus is on Wi-Fi now that we pirated coverage from the Starbucks down the street."
The sharper Admissions Directors will take a clue from today's news. Prince William and Kate Middleton made an appearance yesterday at their alma mater, St Andrew's University in Scotland. St Andrews' administrators noted that 10% of the undergraduate student relationships there result in marriage. Now, there is a killer recruiting argument. "We may be in a location where it rains or snows 90% of the academic year. Your child will be isolated on campus with zero social life outside our walls. But, due to this, your child will graduate with that sought-after MRS along with her AB! And maybe to a prince which is a lot better than to a wizard or a witch like at our rival Hogwarts."
That argument would close the deal for me. Any old college can offer gourmet dining options, a better-equipped gym than LA Fitness, or dorm suites more luxurious than the Ritz, but a shot at conjugal bliss with a prince (or a babe like Kate Middleton) would have me writing out tuition checks to your school.
The standard recruiting arguments have been done to death. "Every one of our pre-meds last year was accepted into Medical School (granted it was a Medical School in Honduras)." "None of our alumni who became a Fortune 500 CEO is currently in jail." "Our entire campus is on Wi-Fi now that we pirated coverage from the Starbucks down the street."
The sharper Admissions Directors will take a clue from today's news. Prince William and Kate Middleton made an appearance yesterday at their alma mater, St Andrew's University in Scotland. St Andrews' administrators noted that 10% of the undergraduate student relationships there result in marriage. Now, there is a killer recruiting argument. "We may be in a location where it rains or snows 90% of the academic year. Your child will be isolated on campus with zero social life outside our walls. But, due to this, your child will graduate with that sought-after MRS along with her AB! And maybe to a prince which is a lot better than to a wizard or a witch like at our rival Hogwarts."
That argument would close the deal for me. Any old college can offer gourmet dining options, a better-equipped gym than LA Fitness, or dorm suites more luxurious than the Ritz, but a shot at conjugal bliss with a prince (or a babe like Kate Middleton) would have me writing out tuition checks to your school.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Justin to the Rescue
PBS and NPR face a dilemma. With funding cuts from the Feds (Thanks, Tea Party!), public TV and radio need even more on-air fund raisers. For those, they need more and better "premiums" to inspire donations "from viewers (and listeners) like you." Tote bags, umbrellas, and CD sets have been done to death. What is a starving public information provider to do?
Look to Justin Bieber, that's what! Justin announced this week that he is getting a haircut and that those precious clippings "would be auctioned off for charity." Here's your chance, PBS. Get a few locks of that fabulous Bieber mane and let the creative juices flow.
"For a $1,000 platinum sponsorship, you get the complete CD set of Big Bird's Greatest Hits, Washington Week In Review broadcast from your living room, and our undying gratitude. But wait, there's more! For a $10,000 super platinum sponsorship, you get all that plus a lock of Justin Bieber's hair with the original dandruff still attached. Your little Tiffany will be the envy of the 5th grade when she brings "a little piece of Justin" in for Show and Tell. And you'll be supporting public broadcasting."
After PBS and NPR go off the governmental dole and are rolling in cash due to Justin's generosity, it's just a matter of time until other worthy entities get into the act. "Blood supplies are critically low in this Holiday season. The American Red Cross requests donors immediately. The first 100 through our doors tomorrow get a lock of Justin Bieber's hair." The line at Red Cross headquarters would resemble that at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
Let's not think small. The root cause of PBS's problem is the Federal government's deficit. What if the Feds claim eminent domain, seize Justin Bieber's head, and shave its hair? Is there $1.3 trillion worth of Justin there? With the Federal budget balanced, PBS, NPR, and the Red Cross will get their funding and we will avoid on-air fund raisers. It's a win-win.
The only potential problem is that Justin is Canadian, but we deserve some recompense after putting up with Celine Dion for all these years.
Look to Justin Bieber, that's what! Justin announced this week that he is getting a haircut and that those precious clippings "would be auctioned off for charity." Here's your chance, PBS. Get a few locks of that fabulous Bieber mane and let the creative juices flow.
"For a $1,000 platinum sponsorship, you get the complete CD set of Big Bird's Greatest Hits, Washington Week In Review broadcast from your living room, and our undying gratitude. But wait, there's more! For a $10,000 super platinum sponsorship, you get all that plus a lock of Justin Bieber's hair with the original dandruff still attached. Your little Tiffany will be the envy of the 5th grade when she brings "a little piece of Justin" in for Show and Tell. And you'll be supporting public broadcasting."
After PBS and NPR go off the governmental dole and are rolling in cash due to Justin's generosity, it's just a matter of time until other worthy entities get into the act. "Blood supplies are critically low in this Holiday season. The American Red Cross requests donors immediately. The first 100 through our doors tomorrow get a lock of Justin Bieber's hair." The line at Red Cross headquarters would resemble that at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
Let's not think small. The root cause of PBS's problem is the Federal government's deficit. What if the Feds claim eminent domain, seize Justin Bieber's head, and shave its hair? Is there $1.3 trillion worth of Justin there? With the Federal budget balanced, PBS, NPR, and the Red Cross will get their funding and we will avoid on-air fund raisers. It's a win-win.
The only potential problem is that Justin is Canadian, but we deserve some recompense after putting up with Celine Dion for all these years.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Lost Opportunity
Forbes published a list of the ten best-paid women in entertainment in 2010. Heading the list is, of course, Oprah at a cool $315 million and that is before the launch of the Oprah Network. After all, $315 million isn't worth what it used to be. Gas prices are rising. Oprah must continue to strive to become "her very best self." I see her hauling in at least $500 million in 2011.
Beyonce is No. 2 on the list at $87 million which is no surprise. No. 3 is a shocker though. Britney Spears earned $64 million with "the fifth highest-grossing tour in the world and endorsement deals." Britney did everything she possibly could to scuttle her career and scare away sponsors a couple of years ago. Shaving her head, rehab, a 72 hour marriage, followed by a somewhat longer one to Kevin Federline that resulted in two kids in rapid succession would put Mother Teresa on a Celebrity Blacklist. Yet, the Britster overcame all that. Lindsay Lohan, there is hope! Butt of late night monologues one year, hauling in $64 million the next, it can happen.
The list continues with Lady Gaga, Madonna, and the usual suspects until we reach No. 9. At the $45 million mark, we have Taylor Swift tied with, of all people, Judge Judy. Now, Taylor Swift's popularity and earnings are understandable. Country music fans love her. Teen age girls whose hearts have been broken by the best-looking Jonas Brother identify with her. Those of us whose bodies weigh more than our hair envy her.
Despite all that, Judge Judy made as much as Taylor Swift last year. $45 million will buy a ton of lace collars for those robes. I'm not sure what a Supreme Court Justice makes in salary, but it is far short of $45 million. Plus, that whole Senate nomination approval thing is demeaning. One photo of you playing softball and you are labeled a lesbian.
As much as Lindsay Lohan takes hope from reading this list, Sonia Sotomayor looks at it as a lost opportunity. Sonia, you could be on syndicated TV every weekday making acerbic comments in a spunky New York accent and hauling in the big bucks.
Beyonce is No. 2 on the list at $87 million which is no surprise. No. 3 is a shocker though. Britney Spears earned $64 million with "the fifth highest-grossing tour in the world and endorsement deals." Britney did everything she possibly could to scuttle her career and scare away sponsors a couple of years ago. Shaving her head, rehab, a 72 hour marriage, followed by a somewhat longer one to Kevin Federline that resulted in two kids in rapid succession would put Mother Teresa on a Celebrity Blacklist. Yet, the Britster overcame all that. Lindsay Lohan, there is hope! Butt of late night monologues one year, hauling in $64 million the next, it can happen.
The list continues with Lady Gaga, Madonna, and the usual suspects until we reach No. 9. At the $45 million mark, we have Taylor Swift tied with, of all people, Judge Judy. Now, Taylor Swift's popularity and earnings are understandable. Country music fans love her. Teen age girls whose hearts have been broken by the best-looking Jonas Brother identify with her. Those of us whose bodies weigh more than our hair envy her.
Despite all that, Judge Judy made as much as Taylor Swift last year. $45 million will buy a ton of lace collars for those robes. I'm not sure what a Supreme Court Justice makes in salary, but it is far short of $45 million. Plus, that whole Senate nomination approval thing is demeaning. One photo of you playing softball and you are labeled a lesbian.
As much as Lindsay Lohan takes hope from reading this list, Sonia Sotomayor looks at it as a lost opportunity. Sonia, you could be on syndicated TV every weekday making acerbic comments in a spunky New York accent and hauling in the big bucks.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Phantom Sinus Condition
Punxsatawny Phil may have gotten it wrong this year. Three weeks after his prediction of an early spring, the dog and I continue to suffer frozen extremities during our morning walk. But do we complain? No! And it all goes back to Aunt Gladys and her Phantom Sinus Condition.
Aunt Gladys and my mother both worked at the Scranton Dry Goods Co from 1936 to 1946. "The Dry" was about 1.5 miles from the family homestead. That was a hefty hike in the winter especially wearing a skirt, and women all wore skirts to work in those days. The family didn't have a car. This was the Great Depression and WWII after all. There was bus service at $0.10 per ride. That doesn't sound like much today, but back then my mother only made about $12 per week and paying $1 of it for transit was out of the question. Remarkably, both Aunt Gladys and my mother gave their weekly pay to my grandmother who then doled out an allowance to them for their personal expenses. They were in their twenties at the time and living at home what with all the men off fighting the war. Imagine a 28 year old today giving her paycheck to her mom and living on an allowance.
Aunt Gladys decided she just couldn't brave those chilly winds and cold temperatures any more. She developed a "sinus condition" and had to take the bus to work. My mother always claimed that it was a phantom condition, but it fooled my grandmother. So my mother walked 1.5 miles every day in the chilling wind and snow while Aunt Gladys rode by in comfort, handkerchief to her nose.
Fast forward to 1963. It was about 1.5 miles from the family homestead to Central High School. The School District did not offer bus service, but students could get reduced bus fares (about $1.25 per week as I recall). This seemed like a good deal to me. "Mom, it's getting cold out. Can I have bus fare for the week?"
"I walked to "The Dry" in a skirt for ten years. The least you can do is walk to high school for two years. Who do you think you are? Aunt Gladys?"
Fats forward to 2011. The dog says to me (telepathically of course), "Dad, I'm freezing on these morning walks. Can't we just go on the treadmill or go to the Mall?"
"Who do you think you are? Aunt Gladys?", I reply (telepathically, of course). I don't think he understands though. Now, if he develops a sinus condition...
Aunt Gladys and my mother both worked at the Scranton Dry Goods Co from 1936 to 1946. "The Dry" was about 1.5 miles from the family homestead. That was a hefty hike in the winter especially wearing a skirt, and women all wore skirts to work in those days. The family didn't have a car. This was the Great Depression and WWII after all. There was bus service at $0.10 per ride. That doesn't sound like much today, but back then my mother only made about $12 per week and paying $1 of it for transit was out of the question. Remarkably, both Aunt Gladys and my mother gave their weekly pay to my grandmother who then doled out an allowance to them for their personal expenses. They were in their twenties at the time and living at home what with all the men off fighting the war. Imagine a 28 year old today giving her paycheck to her mom and living on an allowance.
Aunt Gladys decided she just couldn't brave those chilly winds and cold temperatures any more. She developed a "sinus condition" and had to take the bus to work. My mother always claimed that it was a phantom condition, but it fooled my grandmother. So my mother walked 1.5 miles every day in the chilling wind and snow while Aunt Gladys rode by in comfort, handkerchief to her nose.
Fast forward to 1963. It was about 1.5 miles from the family homestead to Central High School. The School District did not offer bus service, but students could get reduced bus fares (about $1.25 per week as I recall). This seemed like a good deal to me. "Mom, it's getting cold out. Can I have bus fare for the week?"
"I walked to "The Dry" in a skirt for ten years. The least you can do is walk to high school for two years. Who do you think you are? Aunt Gladys?"
Fats forward to 2011. The dog says to me (telepathically of course), "Dad, I'm freezing on these morning walks. Can't we just go on the treadmill or go to the Mall?"
"Who do you think you are? Aunt Gladys?", I reply (telepathically, of course). I don't think he understands though. Now, if he develops a sinus condition...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Prime Shootin' Age
Yesterday's newspaper included a photo captioned, "Members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans fire their rifles Saturday following a re-enactment of the 1861 swearing-in ceremony of Confederate President Jefferson Davis on the steps of the Alabama State Capitol."
I'll accept any old excuse to join up with a group and propel a blank bullet into the air with black gunpowder over a crowd of bystanders. What could go wrong? Oh, some bozo could actually load a live round into his rifle? Or some other clown could pack damp powder and have it ignite late right in his face? Can't happen, Bubba! These are the Sons of Confederate Veterans! The Civil War (or as we call it down here The War Between the States) has only been over for 145 years or so. Let's figure that these boys are the sons of your younger actual Confederate veterans. If their Daddys lived 70 years after the War and had these boys at age 90 or so, the lads firing off these muskets are only 75. That's prime shootin' age.
As much fun as it is to dress up, fire a gun, and play Confederate soldier, celebrating the 150th anniversary of the beginning of a war that killed thousands is inappropriate. Remembering those who didn't come home with Memorial Day (or Confederate Veteran's Day in the South) is much better. And the Sons of Confederate Veterans Honor Guard can fire their guns in the air after they play "Taps".
I'll accept any old excuse to join up with a group and propel a blank bullet into the air with black gunpowder over a crowd of bystanders. What could go wrong? Oh, some bozo could actually load a live round into his rifle? Or some other clown could pack damp powder and have it ignite late right in his face? Can't happen, Bubba! These are the Sons of Confederate Veterans! The Civil War (or as we call it down here The War Between the States) has only been over for 145 years or so. Let's figure that these boys are the sons of your younger actual Confederate veterans. If their Daddys lived 70 years after the War and had these boys at age 90 or so, the lads firing off these muskets are only 75. That's prime shootin' age.
As much fun as it is to dress up, fire a gun, and play Confederate soldier, celebrating the 150th anniversary of the beginning of a war that killed thousands is inappropriate. Remembering those who didn't come home with Memorial Day (or Confederate Veteran's Day in the South) is much better. And the Sons of Confederate Veterans Honor Guard can fire their guns in the air after they play "Taps".
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Cap'n Crunch Diet
Sure signs of Spring include budding trees, potholes in the roads, the reappearance of all those dog droppings hidden in the snow since January, and inane stories from baseball camps in Florida. Those writers enjoying 70 degree temperatures in the Sunshine State have to justify their existence.
The big news from the Yankees training camp this week was the remarkably svelte appearance of star pitcher C.C. Sabathia. C.C. weighed in at well over 300 lbs last year, but is beginning 2011 at least thirty pounds lighter. In the finest tradition of investigative journalism, Yankee beat writers questioned him on his weight loss method. C.C. replied, "I gave up Cap'n Crunch cereal."
Take that, South Beach and Dr Atkins! The key to dropping one tenth of your body weight is foregoing the Cap'n.
It is possible that C.C. was pulling the writers' collective leg. When you earn more than $20 million per year, you can get away with a lot. He may also be following the comedic lead of pro footballer Marshawn Lynch. When Marshawn was asked how he dropped about 40 lbs last off-season, he replied, "I gave up tequila."
Whether C.C. still hits the tequila and whether Marshawn remains a fan of Cap'n Crunch is unknown. If that is the case, should either athlete give up both Jose Curvo and the Cap'n, they might shrink away to nothingness.
The big news from the Yankees training camp this week was the remarkably svelte appearance of star pitcher C.C. Sabathia. C.C. weighed in at well over 300 lbs last year, but is beginning 2011 at least thirty pounds lighter. In the finest tradition of investigative journalism, Yankee beat writers questioned him on his weight loss method. C.C. replied, "I gave up Cap'n Crunch cereal."
Take that, South Beach and Dr Atkins! The key to dropping one tenth of your body weight is foregoing the Cap'n.
It is possible that C.C. was pulling the writers' collective leg. When you earn more than $20 million per year, you can get away with a lot. He may also be following the comedic lead of pro footballer Marshawn Lynch. When Marshawn was asked how he dropped about 40 lbs last off-season, he replied, "I gave up tequila."
Whether C.C. still hits the tequila and whether Marshawn remains a fan of Cap'n Crunch is unknown. If that is the case, should either athlete give up both Jose Curvo and the Cap'n, they might shrink away to nothingness.
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