Mascot Mania

The Philadelphia 76ers are seeking a new mascot. Their current costumed character, a giant rabbit named Hip-Hop, fails to instill fear in opponents or enthusiasm in fans. The Phoenix Suns have a costumed gorilla that bounces from a trampoline through a ring of fire. Now there's a mascot routine that scares (or at least distracts) the opposition and gets the crowd into the game. A break-dancing mutant Easter Bunny just isn't the same.

By the way, the Easter Bunny is responsible for a childhood trauma that I still haven't outgrown. I was placed on the lap of a department store E.B. for the requisite Easter photo when I was three or four years old. The Bunny's head was a rigid mesh-like material with painted-on features. From a distance, it looked like a giant rabbit. Up close, you could see right through the mesh to the human head inside. I was convinced that the evil E.B. had swallowed a human and I was next. I responded with screams and tears. The photo did not go well and the trauma lingers to this day. Perhaps this is why I was never a fan of Hip-Hop.

The 76ers plan to go "Philadelphia Heritage" for their new mascot. They showed some variations on Ben Franklin and the Quaker Oats Guy and requested fans to vote for their favorite. Is some clown in knee pants and a funny hat a true reflection of Philly's sports heritage? No way!

These are the fans who bombarded Santa Claus with snowballs at an Eagles game, who projectile-vomited on a little girl in the stands at a Phillies game, and whose drunken antics led to a judge, prosecutor, and court being set up during games at the Old Veteran's Stadium. The new 76ers mascot should reflect the proud tradition of Philly Fandom. We should be choosing between:

A rude, booing Elf who would hurl snowballs at the opponent's bench

A fat, drunken Lout (dressed in team colors, of course) who would chug overpriced warm beer, belch cheers, and vomit when officials make a call against the home team.

A robed Judge carrying an over-sized gavel who would pound the floor in time to cheers of "Dee-Fense". In true Philly legal tradition, fans can bribe the Judge (or "contribute to his campaign") to have him lead the cheer of their choice.

The Phillie Phanatic and the Eagles' Swoop will be easily eclipsed by the 76ers new mascot if it is one of these.

New Coke Redux

"Official Team Jerseys With Your Favorite Player's Name and Number" are popular among young and old, male and female, and, apparently, homonid and canine.

Crowd shots during Phillies or Eagles telecasts show more than half the attendees proudly garbed in team "gear". The fan base for particular players and eras is revealed:

The "tween" and teen female demographic sport "Utley, 28" and "Hamels, 35" jerseys. "Omigod, he's so cute, and that hair!!!"

Fans approaching retirement age wear "old school" "Schmidt, 20" and "Carlton, 32" jerseys. "I've always been a Phillies fan, especially when they were good." There are remarkably few "Hemus, 2" or "Jeltz, 4" jerseys from the 50s and 80s when the Philles were perennial cellar dwellers. (Isn't that a great expression though? It sounds like creature from Hagrid's menagerie. Look out, Hermione, there's a perennial cellar dweller after you!"

"McNabb, 5" jerseys are relatively scarce. "Win us a Super Bowl, and then I'll trade in my Cunningham, 12." Guess what, people? Randall Cunningham didn't win you a Super Bowl either.

I haven't seen them yet, but reports indicate that "NFLShop, the league's merchandising arm, is offering several styles of Michael Vick apparel - including a customizable jersey for dogs."

Did the Texans wear "Santa Ana" jerseys after the Alamo? Did the 7th Cavalry wear "Sitting Bull" jerseys after Little Big Horn? Did Jennifer Aniston wear a "Brad Pitt" jersey post-Angelina? Will Philadelphians dress their dogs in "Vick, 7" jerseys in 2009?

Forgiveness is the most noble of human virtues, but these are the fans who booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game. A "Vick, 7" doggie jersey might be the biggest marketing gaffe since New Coke.