Today's "Dilbert" shows the title character perusing a business card and stating, " Your home phone is a land line. That must come in handy when someone calls from 1993."
Wait a minute! I still have a land line and fondly remember 1993. Does this mean that I am less cool than Dilbert? Have I not kept up with the times? Have I become my stuck-in-the-past parents, incapable of programming a VCR, still banking at the teller's window instead of the ATM, still shopping at stores instead of on-line?
Well, Mister Dilbert, I'll have you know that I do, in fact, have a cell phone. Granted, I have no idea how to text message (those keys are so small). It probably isn't one of those cool phones that can take photos although it may be for all I know. I'm pretty sure it isn't one of those magic iPhones with "killer apps" that can direct me to the finest restaurants in San Francisco, make a reservation, and probably pay my bill. At least I don't have to worry whether I'm in a 3G or a 4G area whatever that means.
Actually, that whole 3G / 4G area thing is a concern. Based on the TV commercials, 3G is available pretty much everywhere east of the Mississippi except for a swath of West Virginia. Does this mean that land lines will eventually disappear and technophobes like me, incapable of adapting to the wireless world, will be herded into remote sections of the Mountaineer State to live out our miserable, Bluetooth-less lives?
Go ahead and play video games on your fancy cell phone, Dilbert! Download spread sheets and e-mail while you're at it. Just remember that while we technophobes are letting our land lines ring away, unanswered and unheard, as we hike the beautiful trails of "Almost Heaven", you can't walk away from pesky phone calls and e-mails. Who is the smart one now?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Rush to Judgement
The classic movie "Twelve Angry Men" shows the American justice system at its finest. Eleven of twelve jurors are set to convict a hapless young man of murder. Juror #12, Henry Fonda, delays the rush to judgement, analyzes the evidence, and convinces the jury that the boy is, in fact, innocent.
The Pennsylvania Game Commission needs a Henry Fonda. The PGC accused Charles Olsen of illegally baiting an area near his home with pastries to attract bears prior to the recent hunting season. Chuck "harvested" a 707 pound bruin, the largest taken in PA this year. That honor is in question after neighbors reported the Chuckster "driving a truck loaded with pastries" into the area prior to hunting season and driving out empty. If convicted, Chuck faces fines and loss of hunting privileges for three years. Fine! Schmine! But three years without hunting is cruel and unusual punishment for any red-blooded Pennsylvania boy.
Henry Fonda would stand before that Game Commission and plead, "Couldn't it have happened another way? Haven't we all seen those TV commercials where Domino's offers home delivery of brownies along with their pizza? How about Poppa John's home delivery of cinnamon pastries? Anyone with a cell phone can have a truck-load of pastries delivered anywhere!"
"Who is to say that a "Mister Bear" didn't phone Domino's or Poppa John's and order that truck-load of pastry? What if Chuck Olsen just happened to be the driver that horrible night? Imagine his shock when the address proved false and he was stopped on the rural road by a 700 pound beast! How did he manage to drive out of the woods that night having witnessed the wanton destruction and consumption of a truck-load of his beloved pastry?"
"But Mister Bear wasn't as smart as he seemed. When hunting season began, Chuck simply followed the trail of pastry wrappings to his den and wreaked revenge for those poor, innocent pastries. Instead of convicting Chuck, we should be honoring him! It's men like Chuck who protect our Twinkies, Yoo-Hoos, and Tastykakes from the ravages of 700 pound bears! I vote him innocent of all charges!"
The Pennsylvania Game Commission needs a Henry Fonda. The PGC accused Charles Olsen of illegally baiting an area near his home with pastries to attract bears prior to the recent hunting season. Chuck "harvested" a 707 pound bruin, the largest taken in PA this year. That honor is in question after neighbors reported the Chuckster "driving a truck loaded with pastries" into the area prior to hunting season and driving out empty. If convicted, Chuck faces fines and loss of hunting privileges for three years. Fine! Schmine! But three years without hunting is cruel and unusual punishment for any red-blooded Pennsylvania boy.
Henry Fonda would stand before that Game Commission and plead, "Couldn't it have happened another way? Haven't we all seen those TV commercials where Domino's offers home delivery of brownies along with their pizza? How about Poppa John's home delivery of cinnamon pastries? Anyone with a cell phone can have a truck-load of pastries delivered anywhere!"
"Who is to say that a "Mister Bear" didn't phone Domino's or Poppa John's and order that truck-load of pastry? What if Chuck Olsen just happened to be the driver that horrible night? Imagine his shock when the address proved false and he was stopped on the rural road by a 700 pound beast! How did he manage to drive out of the woods that night having witnessed the wanton destruction and consumption of a truck-load of his beloved pastry?"
"But Mister Bear wasn't as smart as he seemed. When hunting season began, Chuck simply followed the trail of pastry wrappings to his den and wreaked revenge for those poor, innocent pastries. Instead of convicting Chuck, we should be honoring him! It's men like Chuck who protect our Twinkies, Yoo-Hoos, and Tastykakes from the ravages of 700 pound bears! I vote him innocent of all charges!"
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Rich Get Richer
The Tiger Woods saga certainly has many facets:
1. Elin and the kids may or may not have moved out of one multi-million dollar mansion in the exclusive Isleworth community to another multi-million dollar mansion on the other side of the same community. Nothing like having a spare mansion for situations like this. Way to plan ahead, Tiger!
2. Tiger and Elin's current pre-nuptial agreement gives Elin a cool $20 million if they remain married for ten years. That's nearly $6,000 per day. Of course, the original pre-nup is currently being re-negotiated. $6,000 doesn't buy what it used to.
3. The only endorsement cancelled so far is one for a sports drink called "Tiger's Focus". Gatorade stated that they were planning to ditch the drink even before the recent scandal due to poor sales. It's hard to believe that golfers would pass up the traditional vodka, gin, and beer to improve focus on that big putt. After all, golfers lose valuable electrolytes riding around on a cart and rising every minute or so to strike those oh-so-heavy balls.
4. It's a subtle point, but the Cadillac Escalade that Tiger cracked up on Thanksgiving night was apparently just one of a small fleet of luxury cars that General Motors owns and gave to Tiger for his use. General Motors sheds thousands of jobs but figures that Joe the Plumber will want to drive a Buick because Tiger Woods does. This makes as much sense as General Electric providing fresh flowers every day for former CEO Jack Welch's luxury NYC apartment just in case a potential customer might drop in.
The rich get richer (and better perks)!
1. Elin and the kids may or may not have moved out of one multi-million dollar mansion in the exclusive Isleworth community to another multi-million dollar mansion on the other side of the same community. Nothing like having a spare mansion for situations like this. Way to plan ahead, Tiger!
2. Tiger and Elin's current pre-nuptial agreement gives Elin a cool $20 million if they remain married for ten years. That's nearly $6,000 per day. Of course, the original pre-nup is currently being re-negotiated. $6,000 doesn't buy what it used to.
3. The only endorsement cancelled so far is one for a sports drink called "Tiger's Focus". Gatorade stated that they were planning to ditch the drink even before the recent scandal due to poor sales. It's hard to believe that golfers would pass up the traditional vodka, gin, and beer to improve focus on that big putt. After all, golfers lose valuable electrolytes riding around on a cart and rising every minute or so to strike those oh-so-heavy balls.
4. It's a subtle point, but the Cadillac Escalade that Tiger cracked up on Thanksgiving night was apparently just one of a small fleet of luxury cars that General Motors owns and gave to Tiger for his use. General Motors sheds thousands of jobs but figures that Joe the Plumber will want to drive a Buick because Tiger Woods does. This makes as much sense as General Electric providing fresh flowers every day for former CEO Jack Welch's luxury NYC apartment just in case a potential customer might drop in.
The rich get richer (and better perks)!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Every Parent's Nightmare
Modern youth (and the youth of the past for that matter) tend to keep vital information from parents:
"That summons from the State Police? Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got pulled over for speeding last week."
"By the way, they needed chaperones for the prom tonight and I signed you up, Mom and Dad. I get a free ticket."
"That smell coming from the basement? Well, this cat followed me home last week and it was so cute. I locked it in the furnace room and I guess I forgot about it."
A Colorado Dad nearly experienced every parent's worst nightmare last week. The Associated Press reported that a woman tried to use a ski pass with the photo of a man at Keystone Resort. She claimed that it was truly her ski pass and that she was in the midst of a sex change which explained her lack of resemblance to the burly, bearded individual pictured on the pass. The authorities then phoned the pass-holder's number and got his father who was "shocked" to hear that his son was having a sex change. He eventually got to the bottom of the situation. It turned out that the son had loaned his pass to his girlfriend.
Modern youth, please note - If you undergo gender change, please inform Mom and Dad.
"That summons from the State Police? Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got pulled over for speeding last week."
"By the way, they needed chaperones for the prom tonight and I signed you up, Mom and Dad. I get a free ticket."
"That smell coming from the basement? Well, this cat followed me home last week and it was so cute. I locked it in the furnace room and I guess I forgot about it."
A Colorado Dad nearly experienced every parent's worst nightmare last week. The Associated Press reported that a woman tried to use a ski pass with the photo of a man at Keystone Resort. She claimed that it was truly her ski pass and that she was in the midst of a sex change which explained her lack of resemblance to the burly, bearded individual pictured on the pass. The authorities then phoned the pass-holder's number and got his father who was "shocked" to hear that his son was having a sex change. He eventually got to the bottom of the situation. It turned out that the son had loaned his pass to his girlfriend.
Modern youth, please note - If you undergo gender change, please inform Mom and Dad.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Beautiful Feet
The newspaper ad read, "Give yourself the gift of beautiful feet". It included a photo of admittedly attractive feet attached to not-so-bad legs on a beach somewhere. My interest was piqued. Lord knows my lumpy body, wrinkled face, receding hair, and unfashionable swimsuit are not going to turn many heads on the beach, but with feet like that, I'll have the beach bunnies trailing after me like Tiger Woods' former girlfriends cashing in on the current news cycle. Apparently, the demand for face lifts, nose jobs, and breast enhancements has tanked along with the economy. Plastic surgeons are now expanding their business to previously-unexploited body parts, like feet. "Let's just straighten this little piggie who went to market, trim that arch, and plump up that heel pad. You know, Michael Jackson had this same surgery. You'll be ready for that new pair of stilettos in no time!" It was a clever advertising ploy to use the phrase, "Give yourself the gift...". Plastic surgery is not exactly on par with jewelry as the typically thoughtful, sentimental gift exchanged between lovers on Christmas morn. Sobbing, "You think my feet are ugly, don't you? This is your way of saying it, you swine! Cook your own Christmas dinner!"
Plastic surgery, the gift that keeps on giving (preferably to yourself).
Plastic surgery, the gift that keeps on giving (preferably to yourself).
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Blind Side
What makes a perfect Thanksgiving Weekend movie?
Pouty teen vampires and werewolves? Actually, that formula would work any old weekend.
How about box office gold Sandra Bullock portraying a spunky, take-charge (as if Sandra has ever played any other type) Southern belle who takes in a black orphan, teaches him everything he needs to know about football (white Southern women know tons about the gridiron while black guys know little which explains why NFL rosters are packed with Scarlett O'Hara types), and sets him on the path to a million dollar pro football contract? That, my friend, is the plot of the movie that very nearly outdrew the doomed romance of Edward and Bella over the holiday weekend. Football draws the guys. Spunky Sandra draws the female demographic. It's perfect.
In a remarkable side story, the actor who played the football star actually lost over 100 pounds for the role. Quinton Aaron went from 475 lbs to 350 lbs prior to filming. Quinton sweated out the equivalent of Sandra Bullock's weight. Quinton went from the mass of a typical American family (185 lb Dad, 140 lb Mom, 100 lb Josh and 50 lb Tiffany) to the weight of the same family, pre-kids, but with a 25 lb Shih Tzu.
Previously, Quinton's "blind side" was the size of the Chrysler Building. During filming, it was down to the size of a your average Cineplex screen.
Better yet, even the smaller Quinton made those of us who gorged ourselves on Thanksgiving dinner feel better about our bloated bodies. The persect Thanksgiving movie, indeed.
Pouty teen vampires and werewolves? Actually, that formula would work any old weekend.
How about box office gold Sandra Bullock portraying a spunky, take-charge (as if Sandra has ever played any other type) Southern belle who takes in a black orphan, teaches him everything he needs to know about football (white Southern women know tons about the gridiron while black guys know little which explains why NFL rosters are packed with Scarlett O'Hara types), and sets him on the path to a million dollar pro football contract? That, my friend, is the plot of the movie that very nearly outdrew the doomed romance of Edward and Bella over the holiday weekend. Football draws the guys. Spunky Sandra draws the female demographic. It's perfect.
In a remarkable side story, the actor who played the football star actually lost over 100 pounds for the role. Quinton Aaron went from 475 lbs to 350 lbs prior to filming. Quinton sweated out the equivalent of Sandra Bullock's weight. Quinton went from the mass of a typical American family (185 lb Dad, 140 lb Mom, 100 lb Josh and 50 lb Tiffany) to the weight of the same family, pre-kids, but with a 25 lb Shih Tzu.
Previously, Quinton's "blind side" was the size of the Chrysler Building. During filming, it was down to the size of a your average Cineplex screen.
Better yet, even the smaller Quinton made those of us who gorged ourselves on Thanksgiving dinner feel better about our bloated bodies. The persect Thanksgiving movie, indeed.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Want Ads
The Help Wanted Ads offer rather distasteful job openings nowadays. "Grease trap cleaner wanted. Night shift only." "Landfill equipment operator needed. Sense of smell not required." "Repairman required to replace doors during Incredible Doorbuster Sale. Ability to avoid being trampled underfoot a must."
Imagine the response to this ad, "VIP Hostess needed. Responsibilities include shepherding celebrities to private rooms at exclusive nightclubs and diverting the public. That's about it. Resemblance to Angelina Jolie and free time to fly off to Melbourne for the Australian Masters Golf Tournament a plus. Contact T. Woods."
If I were seeking someone to guide me to the VIP Room and keep the paparazzi at bay, I'd choose a 300 lb guy named Vito. That's why I'm not Tiger Woods. He chose Rachel Uchitel who met the requirements above.
Our girl Rachel responded to scurrilous rumors during an exclusive interview with that paragon of journalism, the New York Post. "I've always been Director of VIP Services. That's my job - to know these people, to hang out with them. That doesn't mean having sex with them." When asked why she flew to Australia while Tiger was there, she stated that she was there with friends "on business."
That must be some nightclub if its VIP Room is in Australia. "Welcome, Mr Woods. Will you take your bottle of Kristal at the bar here in New York or in our VIP Room in Melbourne? Rachel will escort you on your 22 hour flight."
Time heals all wounds and the American public has a very short attention span. Come the New Year, this will all be forgotten and Tiger Woods can earn a cool one billion(!) in endorsements and appearance fees in 2010 just like he did in 2009. It would really be helpful, though, if Tiger would lay a small portion of that billion on Miss Rachel to keep her mouth shut. Let the story die. It would also be helpful to avoid your golf club swinging wife there, Big Guy.
Imagine the response to this ad, "VIP Hostess needed. Responsibilities include shepherding celebrities to private rooms at exclusive nightclubs and diverting the public. That's about it. Resemblance to Angelina Jolie and free time to fly off to Melbourne for the Australian Masters Golf Tournament a plus. Contact T. Woods."
If I were seeking someone to guide me to the VIP Room and keep the paparazzi at bay, I'd choose a 300 lb guy named Vito. That's why I'm not Tiger Woods. He chose Rachel Uchitel who met the requirements above.
Our girl Rachel responded to scurrilous rumors during an exclusive interview with that paragon of journalism, the New York Post. "I've always been Director of VIP Services. That's my job - to know these people, to hang out with them. That doesn't mean having sex with them." When asked why she flew to Australia while Tiger was there, she stated that she was there with friends "on business."
That must be some nightclub if its VIP Room is in Australia. "Welcome, Mr Woods. Will you take your bottle of Kristal at the bar here in New York or in our VIP Room in Melbourne? Rachel will escort you on your 22 hour flight."
Time heals all wounds and the American public has a very short attention span. Come the New Year, this will all be forgotten and Tiger Woods can earn a cool one billion(!) in endorsements and appearance fees in 2010 just like he did in 2009. It would really be helpful, though, if Tiger would lay a small portion of that billion on Miss Rachel to keep her mouth shut. Let the story die. It would also be helpful to avoid your golf club swinging wife there, Big Guy.
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