Pizza Worship

"Pizza worship has swept New York," a New York Times headline proclaimed recently.

"Pizza lovers", the Times announced, "have elevated their passion to a vocation, sending pizza into a whole new stratosphere of respect. It isn't just loved, and it isn't just devoured. It's scrutinized and fetishized, with a Palin-esque power to polarize." Pizza is like Sarah Palin? Like a fetishized Sarah Palin? Leave it to the liberal media to inject politics into a food article.

The article went on to say that there are now "classically trained" pizza chefs (perhaps who can play baroque concertos), that pizza is "an art" that fosters "a cult," (though presumably less fanatical than that Jim Jones group with Kool Aid in Guyana), that crust too often "lacks character" (maybe the crusts are seeing someone in Argentina instead of hiking the Appalachian Trail), and that the New York pizza craze began in exactly 2004. (Not before or after. The question remains - On what day in 2004?)

Like all proper religions, if pizza is to be worshipped, it requires (not to go all Judeo-Christian) Commandments. Four are sufficient:

1. Thou shalt not consume pizza prepared south of the Mason-Dixon Line or west of Chicago. It is an abomination to thine taste buds.

2. Thou shalt not place pineapple or any other foodstuff not native to Italy on a pizza.

3. Thou shalt not order pizza from a national chain. Like snowflakes, no two local pizzas are alike, but all are good.

4. Thou shalt not order delivery pizza. Half the fun of the Pizza Experience is the breathless race home before the pie congeals into barely-edible coldness. Plus, there's nothing like that pizza aroma embedded in your car's upholstery forever.

Going Rogue

only Tarzan (or possibly the NRA) can save us!

With Sarah shackled to her author's desk, who is watching the Bering Straits for those Russian invaders? I'm not sure I trust the current Alaska governor / National Guard commander-in-chief.

Did Sarah finish the book in time to get out in the woods for moose hunting season? To quote Homer Simpson, "Mooseburgers...m-m-m".

These answers to these questions and many more will, no doubt, be revealed in Sarah's blockbuster best-seller. Dan Brown, eat your heart out. I know what book I'll be curling up with come December.

Money Back Guarantee

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
A MODERN FABLE

Scene - A typical suburban living room. Middle-aged Harry is watching football in front of a big screen TV with beer and snacks close at hand. His wife Louise enters carrying car keys and a large shopping bag.

HARRY - E - A - G - L - E - S, Iggles!!! That Andy Reid, what a genius! Of course, coaching the Iggles was his #2 career choice. He couldn't fit into the Jabba the Hutt costume for the road company of "Star Wars On Ice". It had only a 62 inch waist. Louise, are you going shopping or something? Can you bring back more beer and Cheetos?

LOUISE - You'd best slow down on the brewski consumption there, Big Guy. I've got a lot of stops to make on this trip. First, there's Wal-Mart to return this size 4 dress...

HARRY - You haven't been a size 4 since Grade 4

LOUISE - I know, but I really haven't worn it that much since 1958 and I saved the sales slip. Wal-Mart is really good about returning things. Money back guarantee, you know. Next stop will be McDonald's to return this Shamrock Shake...

HARRY - Come on, Louise. St Patty's Day was six months ago. Plus, you finished drinking it.

LOUISE - Yes, but I didn't enjoy it. McDonald's money back guarantee, here I come. Then, it's off to the Chevy dealer to return our new Cobalt...

HARRY - That will cost us a fortune! We just bought that car last month. We put 5,000 miles on it and the dog covered over the "new car smell" with an odor more to his liking. We'll never get our money back

LOUISE - Yes, we will. Look at that commercial on the TV...

PAN TO THE BIG SCREEN TV. THE CEO OF GENERAL MOTORS STRIDES PAST NEW GM CARS IN A SHOWROOM.

GM CEO - When I took over here at General Motors, I was surprised at how great GM cars really are. They are almost as good as the Rolls and Bentleys that I'm used to as a rich CEO. I decided to use a marketing ploy from my days as CEO of AT&T. GM offers a money-back guarantee! Bring back your new Chevy, Buick or Cadillac within 60 days and we'll refund the full purchase price, no questions asked. This worked out great when we offered it on those AT&T personal computers back in the 80s. That's why you see so many AT&T PCs out there today. I'm sure it will do just as well for cars. If not, I'll just cash in my stock options and leave. I'm sure that the government can find another new CEO for GM with zero car experience and zany ideas. How about that guy who sells the Sham Wow?

LOUISE - See, Harry? It's like Cash for Clunkers on steroids. While I'm there, I'll pick up a Corvette and put it on the old credit card. By the time payment is due, we can return the 'Vette and we'll have a month or two of free driving.

HARRY - Geez, Louise. You're a genius.

The Perfect Tease

The local newscast is a cash cow for TV stations. The tried and true means to retain viewers after the 10 PM network showing of "Law and Order - Something or Other" (This week, the team puts aside the sexual tension between its attractive members who resemble no policepersons and DAs that ever existed to solve yet another crime ripped from the fears and anxieties of today's headlines and/or urban myths) is a 10 second local news teaser. The camera pans to the well-coiffed lead newscaster who solemnly intones:

"Tonight at 11, what you NEED to know about (fill in the blank)", or

"Tonight at 11, what the big (fill in the blank) companies DON'T WANT you to know about (fill in the blank)", or,

"In a world where passions run rampant and nothing is the way it seems, MGM presents the cinematic achievement of the year!" Well, maybe not this one.

Last night, the news teaser on Channel 10, repeated every half hour, was, "Tonight, what you NEED to know before you go for a root canal." This was the perfect tease. The thousand or so Philadelphians scheduled for a root canal the next day would certainly suffer through an hour of Jay Leno and stay up past 11 PM so they can intelligently criticize their dentist's technique.

As for the rest of us, who knows when a root canal may be required? Forewarned is forearmed! So I lose a little sleep, I NEED to know.

From Channel 10's perspective, the root canal bit is innocuous enough to keep viewers watching "The Office" and away from 24 hour cable news.

Had the teaser been, "What you NEED to know about the Islamofascist terrorists in the basement of your kid's school", remotes would instantly click to Fox News. Had the teaser been, "What you NEED to know about Lindsay Lohan and Bigfoot's love child", E!'s ratings would instantly skyrocket and no one would wait for Channel 10's reportage at 11.

Perfection is rare and to be cherished. Good job, Channel 10.

Pioneer Dogs

This newspaper blurb caught my eye last week:

"A man was attacked by a black bear in his Aspen, Colorado home. The man went to the first floor of his home to check on his three barking dogs when the bear struck him in the head. The man's injuries are not life-threatening."

My first thought was - Aha! A fine example of a woodland creature exercising its constitutional right to "bear arms".

My second, and more rational, thought was - What has become of the pioneer dogs? Joe Aspen's dogs tamely barked, probably afraid that the bear would get at their kibble. Back in the day, pioneer dogs would risk life and limb to protect their home from that ursine invader. "Old Yeller" gave his life to protect Tommy Kirk from a cougar in the classic Disney tear-jerker. "Lassie" would have hauled Timmy up from the well in a heartbeat if she had opposible thumbs. 21st century dogs think, "Sure, we've got the jaw muscles that can crack through bone and gristle, but we'll let our human tackle a beast that is twice his body mass with razor-sharp claws. Maybe the bear will go to WalMart afterwards and treat us to some Old Roy's"

I blame it all on the lack of canine role models in the 21st century. Modern dogs see Paris Hilton and other celebs with their "fashion accessory" pooches peering from their purses. They see Leona Helmsley leaving her fortune to her dog. They have forgotten RinTinTin saving the US cavalry from Indian attack and Yukon King (with some assistance from Sgt Preston) clearing the Great White North of bad guys.

Dogs of America, being cute is not enough! Remember your pioneer forebearers!

Corporate Responsibility

After a tough week in Middle School, local tweens flock to the mall cineplex on a Friday night to catch the latest PG-13 rated, CGI-infused depiction of Nic Cage saving the world or attractive, scantily-clad teens ignoring their hormonal urges long enough to kill off a homicidal maniac only to have him resurrected in a sequel. It's not exactly "Hamlet", but after a week of "If a train leaves Boston traveling at 60 mph and another leaves Chicago at 80 mph, will they collide in Macungie?", these kids need to blow off some steam.

Part of the ritual is pre- or post-cinema gathering at a nearby restaurant. Red Robin wisely placed eateries within walking distance of many cineplexes. On the cutting edge of corporate responsibility, Red Robin claims it uses local ingredients, and even uses LED lighting to reduce its carbon footprint. Sadly, it also publishes nutritional information on its fare.

If Josh and Tiffany decide on these Red Robin delicacies, they consume:

Queso Appetizer (Shared) 716 calories
Guacamole Bacon Burger (Josh) 1,160
Chicken Tenders Salad (Tiff) 1,400
Mountain High Mud Pie (Shared) 684
Coke Classic (24 oz) 300

That's nearly 3,000 calories each all in one meal. The average adult should consume some 2,500 calories per day to maintain weight at normal activity level. Josh and Tiff have some workin' out to do!

Perhaps, Red Robin's corporate responsibility should include stationary bike or treadmill electrical generators. After a delicious RR meal, Josh and Tiff could work off those calories and keep those LED lights a-burnin'.

Battleship - The Movie

Variety.com reported that Universal Studios set a July, 2011 release date for a movie based on the board game "Battleship". Universal, no doubt, chose this "summer blockbuster" release date to mirror the success of previous summer releases like "E.T.", "Jaws", and the Indiana Jones flicks.

Hollywood being Hollywood, Universal's screenwriters will try to duplicate a successful formula for "Battleship". An adorable tyke lures an equally adorable alien to his home by scattering Battleship game pieces along the way. It turns out that Battleship is a big favorite on the alien's home planet. The alien trains the tyke as a Battleship Master thus gaining the unwanted attention of the authorities. The tyke disguises the alien in Halloween costumes for years until he (the tyke, not the alien) grows up to become a marine biologist. When a giant shark threatens the area, the alien outfits the marine biologist in a leather jacket, fedora, and whip to do battle with the beast (the shark, not the alien). Using his Battleship game techniques, the biologist locates the shark and, in the nick of time, discovers that it is actually an alien shark sent to Earth to return his alien Master to his home planet. After a climactic free-for-all with the US Navy, still seeking the alien after all these years, the alien and the shark ascend to the cosmos.

Mock it if you will, but this plot line is at least as believable as that of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and imagine the possibilities for the "Battleship" thrill ride at Universal's Theme Parks.

On deck for Summer, 2012 - "Parcheesi - The Movie". Now there is a challenge for Universal's screenwriters.

Dominant Species?

Dominant Species?
A rejected Star Trek episode

SCENE - The flight deck of the Starship Enterprise


CAPTAIN KIRK - Captain's Log; Star Date - Unknown. The Enterprise passed through a space-time continuum. We are orbiting a Class N planet strongly resembling 21st century Earth. Science Officer Spock scanned its various lifeforms and made an astonishing discovery.

SPOCK - This is highly illogical, Captain. Bi-pedal humanoids should be the dominant species here. They have the largest brains and have harnessed fossil fuel as an energy source. They have mastered conventional weaponry. Yet they appear to be subservient to a less-intelligent species.

The Enterprise's screen shows a man walking a dog down a typical suburban street. The dog defecates and the man scoops it up while praising the dog.

SPOCK - There it is, Captain! Though inferior in intelligence, the canine is clearly dominant in this relationship. Highly illogical! Look there. The canine urinated on a bush that the humanoid recently planted. Obviously, the canine is demonstrating his dominance.

The screen now shows a back yard. A man holds a dog on a leash while a woman walks the perimeter of the yard shaking flags mounted on the dirt and shouting "No! No!"

KIRK - What do you make of this, Spock?

SPOCK - Sensors show a buried wire, an "electrical fence", that can send a signal to the dog's collar. It's hard to tell which way the warning jolt is traveling, but based on the woman's reaction, it would appear that the dog is setting her boundaries. Of course, it might go the other way.

The screen shifts to the interior of a typical suburban house.

KIRK - These shelters, though primitive by our standards, still require opposible thumbs for construction. I can't see canines nailing floorboards.

SPOCK - Correct, Captain. But which species really "owns" the home? Note the canine bouncing on the furniture. When immature humanoids do the same, they are swatted. Note the humanoids humbly sweeping up canine hair.

KIRK - The Prime Directive requires us to peacefully consult with the dominant species on new planets. Which is the dominant species and how should we approach them, Spock?

SPOCK - Data is incomplete. If the humanoids are dominant, a handshake and the sharing of a fermented malt beverage appears to be the most common approach. If the canines dominate, sniffing of the anal regions seems to work.

KIRK - Take no chances. We'll try both. I'll get the beer and you do the sniffing.

SPOCK - Why do I always get the short end of the stick?

Chicken Feet In The News

Wandering the aisles of Wal-Mart, I noted a peculiar odor emanating from the stacks of Made in China Barbie Dolls, It was not unpleasant. It brought images of Sunday dinners at Grandma's house.

The explanation came as I read the following in the Business News - "The Chinese government announced Sunday that it is investigating complaints that American chicken parts are being dumped - sold at less than market prices - in China. China is the top export market for US chicken, primarily chicken feet."

Aha! It only stands to reason that all those ships bringing Chinese-manufactured Barbies east across the Pacific are not heading back empty. Let's fill their holds for the return trip with what the Chinese want and we would only toss in the dumpster anyway - chicken feet! If little Tiffany's Malibu Barbie smells like she just finished a shift at KFC, so be it.

Our defense against the dumping claim is simple. Airlines offer reduced fares to fill what would otherwise be empty seats. Trans-oceanic shippers can do the same. Instead of "Kids Fly Free" promotions, it's "Poultry Sails Free". There is historical precedent. Had the Titanic survived for a return voyage back to England, its holds would not have been filled with Leonardo DiCaprio and other immigrants, but with chicken parts exported to Europe.

Unfortunately, Foghorn Leghorn never mounted the bow of the Titanic to crow, "I'm the King of the World". Perhaps, it's all for the best. Even Celine Dion would struggle singing a romantic song to that image.

The Childhood Ideal

Culture was not a big part of my formative years. Our sainted mother attempted to remedy that by sitting my sister and me in front of the TV for Leonard Bernstein's "Young Peoples' Concerts". While the whole "The oboe is Peter. The bassoon is the Wolf, and they are talking to each other" never really superseded Elvis as my concept of great music, the thing I remember is my mother's admonishment, "See those kids in the audience. See how they pay attention and don't fidget, unlike you in church. You should be like that."

Had my mother been familiar with "Catcher in the Rye" or "Gossip Girl", she might not have presented Trust Fund Babies as my Childhood Ideal. Still, every generation has that Ideal toward which parents strive and children rebel.

Sadly, the current generation has set the bar impossibly high. A Jif peanut butter commercial shows a grade school boy heading for the door, backpack in place and lunch bag in hand, as his Mom appears, dressed corporate casual and running late for work herself. The lad had obviously arisen, made his bed, bathed, dressed, prepared his breakfast, packed his lunch, and gathered his books all by himself. I didn't do all that without prodding until I was in my 30s.

Mom inquires, "Do you have your lunch?" The boy proudly displays a brown paper bag and replies, "I left a surprise for you, Mom!"

She turns and finds an identical bag on the counter clearly labeled "Mom". Heart-warming music crescendos and the announcer intones something about how Jif is the peanut butter of love.

If this is the Childhood Ideal for the 21st century, today's youth will surely rebel in a horrific manner. After all, my generation rebelled with the excesses of the 60s when we failed to achieve non-fidgeting status in the concert hall and chose "Hound Dog" over "Peter and the Wolf". If today's parents demand self-sufficient kids who will make Mom's lunch because she's having a bad hair day, the current generation will develop frustrations that will have cataclysmic consequences.

We must lower our standards!

Why We Fight

Lehigh University hosted a teleconference with soldiers in Iraq last Friday to commemorate 9/11. The student organizer stated, "The more I learn about the war, the more I think it's important to hear about it from direct sources. The most important place to hear it from is directly from the soldiers."

Well-spoken! Forty years ago, I was one of those soldiers and I would have loved to tell the folks back home that contrary to what General Westmoreland and Secretary McNamara were telling them that "light at the end of the tunnel" was an oncoming train and the "corner" we were turning just led to another corner. The people didn't particularly care who was in power in Saigon or Hanoi for that matter. They wanted to be left alone. If they had to pick a side though, they'd go with the guys from the north who spoke their language and shared their customs.

Of course, the long. sad story of military failure is that we fight the current war using the strategy of the previous one. Colin Powell's post Viet Nam theory of establishing militarily-achievable objectives, applying overwhelming force, declaring victory, and getting the hell out has not been applied to either Iraq or Afghanistan.

Two comments by the soldiers disturbed me:

"This all started because of 9/11. We're not here because of oil or the other reasons that people hear. It's because we're Americans and we don't back down from anything. And we also want to make Iraq better."

I love the "don't back down" thing, but you are in Iraq because of Saddam's invisible "weapons of mass destruction" or so I remember from 2003. Later, it was because Saddam was a bad guy who paid off the families of suicide bombers. Of course, so did Iran and all those Saudi "charities". Maybe we should invade them, too.

"We love our commander-in-chief, but he apologizes too much for what we have to do over here."

Civilian casualties ("collateral damage") is sadly a part of war. Not to go all Viet Nam era lingo, but when the object is to "win the hearts and minds of the people", an apology after wiping out people trying to get free fuel from a disabled truck isn't a bad idea.

Being a soldier in a combat zone requires that you believe in what you're fighting for. It's best when that rationale is fact-based.

Team Names

The fall semester is in its second week and the #1 question in the mind of college students is, "Do I have to go to class if I can get the final research paper on-line?". Also, "What would be a cool name for my intramural team?"

Sadly, top-of-the-food chain carnivore-type names are already taken by the varsity at major universities. There are Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh My!) clashing before tens of thousands every Saturday. Whimsical names are claimed by hipper schools looking not to intimidate opponents but to sell logo-ed merchandise. What hipster doesn't want a Banana Slugs or Anteaters shirt? Then there are the inexplicable though politically correct Red Storm or Pride teams.

Back in the day, we Chemistry guys chose Bunsen Burners or Thermo-Dynamics as team names thus revealing our geekiness to the world. In this Era of Irony, popular intramural team names include:

Vandelay Industries - An homage to Seinfeld and appropriate for Broadcasting or Communications majors.

Let Us Buy Your Beer - A naked attempt at seeking mercy from superior teams and appropriate for Psychology majors

It's Not Pretty Being Easy - A clever play on words for those English majors

No Game This Week - The cleverest of all! Used by the weakest of the weak Computer Science majors in the hope that those dense Phys Ed majors on the opposing team will mis-read the schedule, assume the game is cancelled, not show up, and lose by forfeit.

What is in a name, indeed.

Dra-a-a-go!

An inappropriate name can be a terrible burden to those in the public eye.

Would moviegoers snicker if it was Marion Morrison (The Duke's real name) single-handedly defeating the Japanese in WWII instead of "John Wayne"? Would we go "over the rainbow" with Frances Gumm (her real name) in place of "Judy Garland"? Would anyone vote for Barack Hussein Obama post 9/11?

This summer, Seattle Councilwoman Jan Drago ran for mayor of that fair city and was soundly defeated despite sterling qualifications and a well-financed campaign. The only possible explanation was backlash from fans of the "Rocky" movie franchise. Ivan Drago was the consummate Rocky villain. His "atomic punch" caused the death of Apollo Creed in "Rocky IV". He boasted "I will destroy you" before his match with Rocky and very nearly did so. Fortunately, Rocky was in tip-top physical condition having chopped down half the trees in Russia and run up Siberia's tallest mountain dragging a truck tire behind him screaming a defiant "Dra-a-a-go!" Take that, "Evil Empire"! This was true patriotism in 1985. Movie fans ate it up and "Rocky IV" was the highest-grossing of the series.

Fast forward to a Seattle voting booth twenty-four years later. We voters ignore issues and candidate's qualifications. Our vote is determined by "attack ads", those "robo-calls" that disturbed our dinner last night, and the candidate's name. We read "Drago" on the ballot and the image of a muscle-bound agent of atheistic, monolithic Communism leaps to mind. To vote for Drago would be like a citizen of London in 1814 voting for a guy named Napoleon. You just can't do it.

Hopefully, Ms Drago is undeterred by her electoral defeat this summer. All she has to do is change her name to something heroic and truly American, like Sylvestra Stallone. She will obtain that crucial Rocky vote and sweep into office.

After all, Cary Grant didn't become Cary Grant until he changed his name from Archibald Leach.

Creeping Socialism

Before even reading President Obama's First Day of School broadcast, the prescient Chairman of the Florida Republican Party stated that the speech would use taxpayer dollars to spread Obama's socialist ideology. Glenn Beck warned that Obama is trying to capture our kids. A Lehigh Valley School Director said that Obama is setting a dangerous precedent and is attempting the indoctrination of our students. And all that was last week before the speech was released. Nostradmaus has nothing on these guys. Perhaps they can tell me whether the Eagles will cover the spread next Sunday so I can get a bet down.

The White House released the text of the speech and it appeared in today's newspapers. It is chilling stuff!

Sure, there's the standard boilerplate - Set educational goals. Your country is depending on you. Don't give up on yourself - , but. typical of those insidious socialists, Obama throws in a subtle boost for National Health Care. He states, "I hope you'll wash your hands a lot and stay home from school when you don't feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter." What he really means is, "Kids, if you want to stay home from school this winter (and what kid doesn't?), sneeze all over your hands and spread those germs. That way, your friends will be out of school,too, and you can have video game tournaments like you wouldn't believe until Mom and Dad come home none the wiser. It will get boring after a while, but if you're covered under National Health Care, you'll get to see a doctor and get out of the house."

We cannot allow our children to be exposed to this!

But seriously folks...Every American kid is told that he/she can grow up to be President. Sadly, cynicism sets in as we study history. It turns out that wealth, political deals, or a successful military career get you to the White House rather than hard work and perseverance. It doesn't hurt to be a photogenic white male, either.

Now we have a President who grew up poor, mixed race, and fatherless. Maybe my first grade teacher was right after all and anyone can truly grow up to be President.

Football vs. Soccer

High school and college football blessedly resumed this weekend. The rest of the world marvels at America's infatuation with a sport that in its full-blown tackle form:

Requires over $500 worth of equipment per player
Takes up to three hours to provide sixty minutes of actual playing time
Allows only seven of eleven offensive players to touch the ball, barring fumbles or interceptions
Features committee meetings (huddles) before every play

Soccer, of course, requires only a ball and a pair of shorts, provides ninety consecutive minutes of action, allows any and everyone to touch the ball, and huddles only at halftime.

Why, then is football the top-rated televised sporting event while soccer ranks down there with re-runs of "According to Jim"?

It's all in the lingo. Football features "bombs", "Hail Marys", "Sweeps", and "Blitzes". After all, violence and words that describe it are as American as apple pie. The most exciting call in soccer is that irritating "Go-o-o-al!".

I thrill to Brent Musberger (I haven't had a good Musberger in years. It's hard to get good, fresh Mus to place on my burger nowadays) calling, "There's a completion to the big, tight end." Are there any small loose ends out there? Maybe in soccer. Football also has "split ends" which probably refers to players using shampoo without conditioner. The whole concept of a big tight end is unique to American football probably resulting from our lack of nationalized health care. Those soccer-loving countries can't match our dominance in aesthetic and restorative surgery!

Football is American and soccer is not. It's as simple as that.

Major Field of Study

ESPN's college football telecasts are putting the "student" back into "student-athlete". Its "screen in screen" player bios now include "major field of study" along with height, weight, hometown, police record, and cheerleaders dated.

Last night's titanic clash between South Carolina and North Carolina State showed the following majors:

"General Studies" - Much more far-ranging than "Specific Studies", this major no doubt prepares gridders for a fulfilling career as a top-ranking Army officer or possibly a lucrative spot at General Motors, General Electric, or General Foods. Mandatory courses include GS101 - The General Lee Car on "Dukes of Hazzard" - Why didn't its doors open? and GS103 - General Mills - Cereal manufacturer or victor at the Battle of Vicksburg?

"Exercise Science" - Among the more-demanding majors, this one requires lots of lab work. In ES101, students must simultaneously rub their stomachs and pat their heads or explain, using Newtonian physics, why this feat is impossible. Lab projects also include one that has raised the ire of animal rights activists. Students walk a dog until its tongue hangs out, obtain fluid from that tongue and determine if that fluid is sweat or slobber. Due to its academic rigor, Exercise Science majors are usually kickers or third stringers.

"Parks, Recreation, and Tourism" - For those anticipating an exciting career checking roller coaster safety harnesses and giving that jaunty "thumbs-up" upon completion, this is your major! It is so popular among undergrads that candidates must pass an aptitude test:

1. Where can you find a roller coaster?
a. Dorney Park
b. Yosemite National Park
c. Fenway Park
d. Bert Parks

2. In 2008, most Americans chose which form of recreation
a. Watching televised sports while consuming snacks, and drinking beer
b. Running with the bulls at Pamplona
c. Swimming the English Channel
d. Biking across the Alps

3. Typical American tourists can be identified by which of the following
a. "I'm With Stupid" tee-shirts
b. Running shoes that have never been used for running
c. Obesity
d. All of the above

Actually, these were the only three majors that were shown on the telecast. It's reassuring that the next generation of college grads will keep America as the world's leader in General Studies, Exercise Science, and Parks, Recreation & Tourism.

Labor Day

Labor Day is nearly upon us, but what does it really mean? It has no religious, patriotic, gift-giving or card-sending significance. Of course, to an old humbug like me, that is a good thing.

Labor Day had a lot of meaning for my father. When he was 14 years old in 1930, he quit school and went to work in the anthracite mines near Scranton. The mines weren't unionized then and he worked 12 hour days six days per week. He was paid the princely sum of 50 cents per ton of coal that he blasted, dug, and loaded. On a good day, he'd do 12 tons and receive all of $6.

Well, not exactly all of $6. He had to buy his own dynamite form the coal company, pay for his miner's hat and the batteries for its light, and cough up big bucks for his tools. After his first week of work, after loading 60 tons or so of coal, he broke even. He always remembered the let-down of receiving an empty pay envelope.

After the mines were unionized, the work didn't get any easier, cleaner, or healthier, but the work day was reduced to eight hours and the coal companies had to provide workers with the tools of the trade.

Today, many people blame the unions for the ills of the American steel, auto and other industries. "How can those teachers strike for more money when I can barely pay my taxes?"

My father would reply that if it wasn't for labor unions as an opposing force to management, no one would have the eight hour work day, paid holidays, vacations, and company-paid insurances. Granted, unions have overstepped their bounds, become corrupt, and short-sightedly ruined some industries. Also, it's not 1930 and we're not in the midst of a Great Depression. Still, management is as greedy today as it was then and labor is a great target for exploitation.

Perhaps the meaning of Labor Day is that those who established it insured that today's first pay envelope will not be empty.

Revenge

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Those patient Canadians have been silently stewing since we unsuccessfully invaded them first in 1775 and then in 1812-1813. Oh sure, they've confused us with round bacon, slammed us into the boards with ice hockey, and subjected us to Celine Dion, but the true, final measure of their payback arrived in the 21st century in the form of non-migratory Canadian geese.

Harris Glass, director of US Department of Agriculture Wildlife Services in Pennsylvania reports that about 295,000 Feathered Invaders from The Great White North now call the Keystone State home. New Jersey has about 82,000 bi-lingual, metric system loving birds from across the St Lawrence. If unchecked, the Canadian goose population increases by 20% every year, so typical of fertile illegal immigrants filling our schools, welfare rolls, and hospital emergency rooms. Why don't they stay in Canada if their socialized medicine is such hot stuff?

Most shocking, each goose can emit about one pound of feces each day. That is 100 million pounds of goose droppings on PA in 2009 and it's increasing by 20% every year into the next decade! Surely, this is enough e.coli to contaminate our water supplies and kill us off faster than the Swine Flu. Canadians, obviously immune to goose-borne disease, will swoop across Lake Erie and bloodlessly invade the Keystone and Garden States from the northwest.

The few remaining Americans with an immunity to this scourge will be trundled off to reservations. There they will be "re-educated" until they can be absorbed into Canadian culture. Colors will become colours. Dunkin Donuts will become Tim Horton's. The classic sentence ender "Y' Know? will become "Eh?"

It's time to cross the Mason-Dixon Line to safety, Keystoners. The Canadians are coming!

Metaphysical Traffic Signs

Metaphysics attempts to explain the fundamental nature of being and of the world. "Why are we here? and "Where is here anyway?" are metaphysical questions that have been pondered since primitive man first gathered around a campfire and most recently as I drove up from Maryland yesterday.

Nearly every bridge on the road was preceded by a sign stating "CAUTION, Bridge May Freeze". How metaphysical would it be to follow that sign with another reading, "But Then Again It May Not". There, Little Grasshopper, is the very definition of the duality of existence. If a bridge freezes and no one is there to skid across it, does it make a sound? What is the sound of one bridge abutment freezing?

We can and must bring metaphysical discussion to our automobiles by erecting metaphysical-response signs along our roadways:

"STOP" "But Do We Exist Without Motion To Define Us" (or "In The Name of Love" for non-metaphysical Oldies fans)

"YIELD" "By Yielding Do We Prove Ourselves Inferior or Superior?"

"SPEED LIMIT 65" "Are There Limits to Love? To Other Emotions? How Then Can We Limit Physical Things Like Speed?"

If nothing else, the metaphysical response signs will form a basis for discussion when the State Trooper pulls you over for a traffic violation.