Major Field of Study

ESPN's college football telecasts are putting the "student" back into "student-athlete". Its "screen in screen" player bios now include "major field of study" along with height, weight, hometown, police record, and cheerleaders dated.

Last night's titanic clash between South Carolina and North Carolina State showed the following majors:

"General Studies" - Much more far-ranging than "Specific Studies", this major no doubt prepares gridders for a fulfilling career as a top-ranking Army officer or possibly a lucrative spot at General Motors, General Electric, or General Foods. Mandatory courses include GS101 - The General Lee Car on "Dukes of Hazzard" - Why didn't its doors open? and GS103 - General Mills - Cereal manufacturer or victor at the Battle of Vicksburg?

"Exercise Science" - Among the more-demanding majors, this one requires lots of lab work. In ES101, students must simultaneously rub their stomachs and pat their heads or explain, using Newtonian physics, why this feat is impossible. Lab projects also include one that has raised the ire of animal rights activists. Students walk a dog until its tongue hangs out, obtain fluid from that tongue and determine if that fluid is sweat or slobber. Due to its academic rigor, Exercise Science majors are usually kickers or third stringers.

"Parks, Recreation, and Tourism" - For those anticipating an exciting career checking roller coaster safety harnesses and giving that jaunty "thumbs-up" upon completion, this is your major! It is so popular among undergrads that candidates must pass an aptitude test:

1. Where can you find a roller coaster?
a. Dorney Park
b. Yosemite National Park
c. Fenway Park
d. Bert Parks

2. In 2008, most Americans chose which form of recreation
a. Watching televised sports while consuming snacks, and drinking beer
b. Running with the bulls at Pamplona
c. Swimming the English Channel
d. Biking across the Alps

3. Typical American tourists can be identified by which of the following
a. "I'm With Stupid" tee-shirts
b. Running shoes that have never been used for running
c. Obesity
d. All of the above

Actually, these were the only three majors that were shown on the telecast. It's reassuring that the next generation of college grads will keep America as the world's leader in General Studies, Exercise Science, and Parks, Recreation & Tourism.