Revenge

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Those patient Canadians have been silently stewing since we unsuccessfully invaded them first in 1775 and then in 1812-1813. Oh sure, they've confused us with round bacon, slammed us into the boards with ice hockey, and subjected us to Celine Dion, but the true, final measure of their payback arrived in the 21st century in the form of non-migratory Canadian geese.

Harris Glass, director of US Department of Agriculture Wildlife Services in Pennsylvania reports that about 295,000 Feathered Invaders from The Great White North now call the Keystone State home. New Jersey has about 82,000 bi-lingual, metric system loving birds from across the St Lawrence. If unchecked, the Canadian goose population increases by 20% every year, so typical of fertile illegal immigrants filling our schools, welfare rolls, and hospital emergency rooms. Why don't they stay in Canada if their socialized medicine is such hot stuff?

Most shocking, each goose can emit about one pound of feces each day. That is 100 million pounds of goose droppings on PA in 2009 and it's increasing by 20% every year into the next decade! Surely, this is enough e.coli to contaminate our water supplies and kill us off faster than the Swine Flu. Canadians, obviously immune to goose-borne disease, will swoop across Lake Erie and bloodlessly invade the Keystone and Garden States from the northwest.

The few remaining Americans with an immunity to this scourge will be trundled off to reservations. There they will be "re-educated" until they can be absorbed into Canadian culture. Colors will become colours. Dunkin Donuts will become Tim Horton's. The classic sentence ender "Y' Know? will become "Eh?"

It's time to cross the Mason-Dixon Line to safety, Keystoners. The Canadians are coming!