Money Back Guarantee

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
A MODERN FABLE

Scene - A typical suburban living room. Middle-aged Harry is watching football in front of a big screen TV with beer and snacks close at hand. His wife Louise enters carrying car keys and a large shopping bag.

HARRY - E - A - G - L - E - S, Iggles!!! That Andy Reid, what a genius! Of course, coaching the Iggles was his #2 career choice. He couldn't fit into the Jabba the Hutt costume for the road company of "Star Wars On Ice". It had only a 62 inch waist. Louise, are you going shopping or something? Can you bring back more beer and Cheetos?

LOUISE - You'd best slow down on the brewski consumption there, Big Guy. I've got a lot of stops to make on this trip. First, there's Wal-Mart to return this size 4 dress...

HARRY - You haven't been a size 4 since Grade 4

LOUISE - I know, but I really haven't worn it that much since 1958 and I saved the sales slip. Wal-Mart is really good about returning things. Money back guarantee, you know. Next stop will be McDonald's to return this Shamrock Shake...

HARRY - Come on, Louise. St Patty's Day was six months ago. Plus, you finished drinking it.

LOUISE - Yes, but I didn't enjoy it. McDonald's money back guarantee, here I come. Then, it's off to the Chevy dealer to return our new Cobalt...

HARRY - That will cost us a fortune! We just bought that car last month. We put 5,000 miles on it and the dog covered over the "new car smell" with an odor more to his liking. We'll never get our money back

LOUISE - Yes, we will. Look at that commercial on the TV...

PAN TO THE BIG SCREEN TV. THE CEO OF GENERAL MOTORS STRIDES PAST NEW GM CARS IN A SHOWROOM.

GM CEO - When I took over here at General Motors, I was surprised at how great GM cars really are. They are almost as good as the Rolls and Bentleys that I'm used to as a rich CEO. I decided to use a marketing ploy from my days as CEO of AT&T. GM offers a money-back guarantee! Bring back your new Chevy, Buick or Cadillac within 60 days and we'll refund the full purchase price, no questions asked. This worked out great when we offered it on those AT&T personal computers back in the 80s. That's why you see so many AT&T PCs out there today. I'm sure it will do just as well for cars. If not, I'll just cash in my stock options and leave. I'm sure that the government can find another new CEO for GM with zero car experience and zany ideas. How about that guy who sells the Sham Wow?

LOUISE - See, Harry? It's like Cash for Clunkers on steroids. While I'm there, I'll pick up a Corvette and put it on the old credit card. By the time payment is due, we can return the 'Vette and we'll have a month or two of free driving.

HARRY - Geez, Louise. You're a genius.