St Luke's Hospital announced yesterday that beginning in May, new hires must be nicotine-free. Applicants will be subject to nicotine screening (presumably based on,yellow teeth, bad breath, and burn holes in their garments). Those who fail will have the opportunity to re-test within six months (with sparkling smiles, sweet breath, and an intact wardrobe).
Among the motivators for the new policy were findings that smokers spend 8% of their time at work smoking.
How times have changed! When I began at Air Products in 1972, I was issued a black plastic ashtray along with my stapler, tape dispenser, and other desk accessories. Conference Rooms featured large glass ashtrays. Rest rooms even included chrome ashtrays alongside the urinals much to the relief of the uncoordinated who couldn't safely smoke and pee simultaneously. Smoking was part of working life.
It had its downside, of course. There were several instances of wastebasket fires from hastily-dumped, still-smoldering ashtrays in the 5:00 race out the door. When an errant spark met the polyester clothing so popular in the late 70s, the results were not pretty.
On the other hand, with just the right concentration of smoke, Conference Room lighting became less harsh and almost soothing allowing a tobacco-fueled reverie that some translated into sleep and others into creativity.
This is where St Luke's may be missing the boat. In the later years, I was one of those employees puffing away in the designated outdoor smoking area. If smoking time was, in fact, 8% of my working day (and it probably was more than that), informal interaction with fellow nicotine addicts led to more guidance and good advice than all my Group Meetings and Quarterly Evaluations combined. There is something about shivering in the February wind with your feet in slush that brings a willingness to share one's work expertise with fellow smokers. What St Luke's gains in time at work, it may lose in job knowledge.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Strolling While Intoxicated
A police blotter item from last week struck my attention. "A woman pushing a stroller with her baby inside down a Slatington sidewalk Thursday afternoon was so drunk, police said, that she was charged with endangering the welfare of the child. A blood test found the 37 year old woman had a blood alcohol level of 0.399 percent."
The legal limit for intoxication while driving is 0.008 percent which supposedly corresponds to two drinks within the previous hour for an average-size adult. If true, the Slatington woman tossed down ten drinks in an hour (one every six minutes) and then decided to pack the baby up for some fresh air (or possibly to pick up more booze).
Unquestionably, this woman posed a hazard to the sober, law-abiding stroller pushing matrons of Slatington. The time has come for Slatington's Finest to establish DUI checkpoints on its sidewalks. "Please pull that stroller over ma'm. License, registration and proof of insurance please. I must ask you to push your stroller in a straight line one foot in front of the other. Pick up your baby's pacifier, close one eye, extend your arms, and insert the pacifier in your mouth. Sorry, m'am. You've failed the test. We have to impound your stroller and take you and the baby downtown."
While most of us are well past our stroller-pushing days and feel we can down ten drinks per hour with impunity, we still push carts down the aisles of our local supermarkets. Imagine the embarassment of being pulled over in the produce aisle and suffering through a sobriety test, not because you were drinking, but because you chose that damn cart with the wobbly wheel.
It started on the sidewalks of Slatington. Next thing you know, our intrusive government will be hassling law-abiding Americans at the Wal-Mart deli counter. I'm sure that Fox News will be all over this threat to our rights.
The legal limit for intoxication while driving is 0.008 percent which supposedly corresponds to two drinks within the previous hour for an average-size adult. If true, the Slatington woman tossed down ten drinks in an hour (one every six minutes) and then decided to pack the baby up for some fresh air (or possibly to pick up more booze).
Unquestionably, this woman posed a hazard to the sober, law-abiding stroller pushing matrons of Slatington. The time has come for Slatington's Finest to establish DUI checkpoints on its sidewalks. "Please pull that stroller over ma'm. License, registration and proof of insurance please. I must ask you to push your stroller in a straight line one foot in front of the other. Pick up your baby's pacifier, close one eye, extend your arms, and insert the pacifier in your mouth. Sorry, m'am. You've failed the test. We have to impound your stroller and take you and the baby downtown."
While most of us are well past our stroller-pushing days and feel we can down ten drinks per hour with impunity, we still push carts down the aisles of our local supermarkets. Imagine the embarassment of being pulled over in the produce aisle and suffering through a sobriety test, not because you were drinking, but because you chose that damn cart with the wobbly wheel.
It started on the sidewalks of Slatington. Next thing you know, our intrusive government will be hassling law-abiding Americans at the Wal-Mart deli counter. I'm sure that Fox News will be all over this threat to our rights.
Monday, March 29, 2010
High School Rodeo Musical
The Pennsylvania State High School Basketball Championships were televised this past weekend on the state cable network. The telecasts included a commercial offering a DVD of this year's Pennsylvania Farm Show.
What do I need with a DVD showing prize cattle, sheep, baked goods, and the World's Largest Butter Sculpture, you may ask. Well, there's a lot more to the PA Farm Show than that! The video featured the ever-popular "Sheep to Shawl" Contest wherein sheep are sheared, the wool is spun and treated, and nimble-fingered youth knit a shawl before our very eyes. The winner is chosen on the basis of speed and artistic impression, not unlike Olympic skating. Since the Farm Show takes place in January, one hopes that the shawl is returned to the now-naked sheep or we've got frozen lamb chops on the hoof.
A recent addition to the Farm Show line-up is the Tractor Square Dance. John Deeres, International Harvesters, and the like literally take to the enormous Arena floor and perform "dosey-dos" and "swing your partners" at the command of a caller. The short video clip did not show the tractors in those frilly skirts and sensible shoes favored by human square dancers, but they may be there anyway. If third-rate celebrities can arouse the public's interest on "Dancing With The Stars", imagine the "water cooler talk" after a Cub Cadet in a slinky outfit wows the judges.
The DVD also features the High School Rodeo wherein Pennsylvania youth ride bulls and rope calves just like their Western brethren. Disney struck gold with "High School Musical", but it is time for an update. Why not "High School Rodeo Musical"? It is the story of star-crossed lovers who meet at the PA Farm Show. He is a champion bull rider who secretly yearns to knit raw wool shawls. She has devoted her young life to her square-dancing tractor but the exhaust fumes cause a reverie in which she learns the secret to sheep shearing. He is thrown from his bull. Her tractor breaks down in the middle of a warm-up cha-cha. At this nadir, they find each other and after the requisite romantic duet, they steal a sheep from the rich, obnoxious kids, enter the Sheep to Shawl Contest, win, and join in the rousing finale wherein the rich, obnoxious kids see the error of their ways, the bull hoists the guy onto his back for a celebratory trot around the Arena floor, and the girl's tractor roars back to life.
Is that the perfect Disney movie, or what?
What do I need with a DVD showing prize cattle, sheep, baked goods, and the World's Largest Butter Sculpture, you may ask. Well, there's a lot more to the PA Farm Show than that! The video featured the ever-popular "Sheep to Shawl" Contest wherein sheep are sheared, the wool is spun and treated, and nimble-fingered youth knit a shawl before our very eyes. The winner is chosen on the basis of speed and artistic impression, not unlike Olympic skating. Since the Farm Show takes place in January, one hopes that the shawl is returned to the now-naked sheep or we've got frozen lamb chops on the hoof.
A recent addition to the Farm Show line-up is the Tractor Square Dance. John Deeres, International Harvesters, and the like literally take to the enormous Arena floor and perform "dosey-dos" and "swing your partners" at the command of a caller. The short video clip did not show the tractors in those frilly skirts and sensible shoes favored by human square dancers, but they may be there anyway. If third-rate celebrities can arouse the public's interest on "Dancing With The Stars", imagine the "water cooler talk" after a Cub Cadet in a slinky outfit wows the judges.
The DVD also features the High School Rodeo wherein Pennsylvania youth ride bulls and rope calves just like their Western brethren. Disney struck gold with "High School Musical", but it is time for an update. Why not "High School Rodeo Musical"? It is the story of star-crossed lovers who meet at the PA Farm Show. He is a champion bull rider who secretly yearns to knit raw wool shawls. She has devoted her young life to her square-dancing tractor but the exhaust fumes cause a reverie in which she learns the secret to sheep shearing. He is thrown from his bull. Her tractor breaks down in the middle of a warm-up cha-cha. At this nadir, they find each other and after the requisite romantic duet, they steal a sheep from the rich, obnoxious kids, enter the Sheep to Shawl Contest, win, and join in the rousing finale wherein the rich, obnoxious kids see the error of their ways, the bull hoists the guy onto his back for a celebratory trot around the Arena floor, and the girl's tractor roars back to life.
Is that the perfect Disney movie, or what?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Career Choices
There are certain career choices that your high school Guidance Counselor would recommend against that actually might result in fame and fortune:
Octo-Mom - No obvious talent, looks or intelligence required, but everyone knows of the Octo-Mom. Why not try for Deca-Mom?
Ryan Seacrest - Cue-card reading ability and good hair required, but that's about it. Take Advanced Phonics, invest in hair gel, be taller than your average 8 year old and you can be the next host of American Idol.
Rod Blagojevic - The tough part is not being elected governor of a major state. After all, who knows the name of the current Illinois governor? The trick is to request bribes with colorful obscenities and go on reality TV. How hard can that be?
Jesse James - For the mechanically-inclined, all you've got to do is build "choppers" on TV and fool around with a "tattoo model" / stripper while being married to an Academy Award - winning actress. The "outlaw" name is not an obstacle. There is no evidence that the 2010 Jesse James is actually related to the famed 19th century desperado. You could start going by John Dillinger or Robin Hood and no one would be the wiser.
While Guidance Counselors across America are pushing our youth into AP courses and extracurricular activities, the path to fame and fortune in 2010 may be that blazed by Octo, Ryan, Rod, and Jesse. You don't even have to take the SATs.
Octo-Mom - No obvious talent, looks or intelligence required, but everyone knows of the Octo-Mom. Why not try for Deca-Mom?
Ryan Seacrest - Cue-card reading ability and good hair required, but that's about it. Take Advanced Phonics, invest in hair gel, be taller than your average 8 year old and you can be the next host of American Idol.
Rod Blagojevic - The tough part is not being elected governor of a major state. After all, who knows the name of the current Illinois governor? The trick is to request bribes with colorful obscenities and go on reality TV. How hard can that be?
Jesse James - For the mechanically-inclined, all you've got to do is build "choppers" on TV and fool around with a "tattoo model" / stripper while being married to an Academy Award - winning actress. The "outlaw" name is not an obstacle. There is no evidence that the 2010 Jesse James is actually related to the famed 19th century desperado. You could start going by John Dillinger or Robin Hood and no one would be the wiser.
While Guidance Counselors across America are pushing our youth into AP courses and extracurricular activities, the path to fame and fortune in 2010 may be that blazed by Octo, Ryan, Rod, and Jesse. You don't even have to take the SATs.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The World's Largest
Reading billboards is a great way to combat boredom while driving across our fair Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Billboards also reveal much about the area being traversed (and whether it is entirely safe to stop there for a fueling, lunch or bathroom break). A rural section between Harrisburg and the Lehigh Valley must be the Sheepskin Capital of America. Billboards encourage motorists to pause for those sheepskin seat covers or sheepskin-lined jackets and slippers that we never before realized that we needed. It might not be a good place to let Fluffy, your pet bichon out for a walk though.
Between the tunnels west of Harrisburg was a billboard reading, "Where's The Birth Certificate?" One would not expect much roadside assistance on your elitist hybrid car with the Obama bumper sticker there.
Near Bedford, PA, a billboard shows George Washington in full uniform and states, "Washington slept here. Why don't you?" Presumably, accomodations are improved since 1756 when George passed through on his way to oust the French & Indians from Fort Duquesne, but why take the chance?
The most memorable billboard was near New Stanton. It showed a variety of McDonald's products and proclaimed, "Stop In and See the World's Largest Big Mac". I was sorely tempted. After all, how often does one get to see The World's Largest Anything?
How big was it? I envisioned a Big Mac large enough for children to climb on and bounce on the soft bun. How many gallons of Special Sauce adorned it? I imagined sauce cascading down its sides and children frolicking in sauce pools alongside. Were there mutant giant sesame seeds on the bun? Where can you get pickles the size of a mattress? Would I be allowed to nibble on the two all-beef patties? What joy to literally bury my head into cooked meat and munch away until I couldn't breathe!
Alas, by the time my reverie concluded and I removed the strands of drool from my shirt front, I had passed the exit. My encounter with the World's Largest was not to be. I'll be back, New Stanton!
Between the tunnels west of Harrisburg was a billboard reading, "Where's The Birth Certificate?" One would not expect much roadside assistance on your elitist hybrid car with the Obama bumper sticker there.
Near Bedford, PA, a billboard shows George Washington in full uniform and states, "Washington slept here. Why don't you?" Presumably, accomodations are improved since 1756 when George passed through on his way to oust the French & Indians from Fort Duquesne, but why take the chance?
The most memorable billboard was near New Stanton. It showed a variety of McDonald's products and proclaimed, "Stop In and See the World's Largest Big Mac". I was sorely tempted. After all, how often does one get to see The World's Largest Anything?
How big was it? I envisioned a Big Mac large enough for children to climb on and bounce on the soft bun. How many gallons of Special Sauce adorned it? I imagined sauce cascading down its sides and children frolicking in sauce pools alongside. Were there mutant giant sesame seeds on the bun? Where can you get pickles the size of a mattress? Would I be allowed to nibble on the two all-beef patties? What joy to literally bury my head into cooked meat and munch away until I couldn't breathe!
Alas, by the time my reverie concluded and I removed the strands of drool from my shirt front, I had passed the exit. My encounter with the World's Largest was not to be. I'll be back, New Stanton!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Segregated Studies?
As a dedicated sports fan, I was glued to the TV for the opening weekend of March Madness. Nothing fuels that feeling of inadequacy for Joe Fan who thinks that maybe he can still play basketball more than witnessing these tattooed young Adonises race up and down the court accomplishing incredibly athletic feats that I can only dream about. On the other hand, at least my shorts fit!
Two items struck my sense of the absurd:
In one of the games, a TV screen caption listed the class, hometown, and academic major of the players when they went to the free throw line. A common major for players at one school was "Integrated Studies". Now this is undeniably superior to "Segregated Studies" which was a common major before Brown v. Board of Education and no doubt goes hand-in-hand with "Differential Studies" for students who want the complete Calculus experience. To their credit, these Integrated Studies majors at least made a decision. Far and away, the most popular major was "Undeclared".
The radio broadcast of the Syracuse - Gonzaga game mentioned the unlikely derivation of 'Cuse guard "Scoop" Jardine's nickname. One would assume that the moniker resulted from Jardine's skill at driving "scoop" lay-ups. In fact, it dates back to his infancy when his grandmother noted that his head resembled an ice cream scoop. "Bring on that half-gallon of Tutti Fruiti, Grandma. We'll use the baby's head to fill our bowls."
One tends to grow a little crazy after 20 plus hours of basketball over four days.
Two items struck my sense of the absurd:
In one of the games, a TV screen caption listed the class, hometown, and academic major of the players when they went to the free throw line. A common major for players at one school was "Integrated Studies". Now this is undeniably superior to "Segregated Studies" which was a common major before Brown v. Board of Education and no doubt goes hand-in-hand with "Differential Studies" for students who want the complete Calculus experience. To their credit, these Integrated Studies majors at least made a decision. Far and away, the most popular major was "Undeclared".
The radio broadcast of the Syracuse - Gonzaga game mentioned the unlikely derivation of 'Cuse guard "Scoop" Jardine's nickname. One would assume that the moniker resulted from Jardine's skill at driving "scoop" lay-ups. In fact, it dates back to his infancy when his grandmother noted that his head resembled an ice cream scoop. "Bring on that half-gallon of Tutti Fruiti, Grandma. We'll use the baby's head to fill our bowls."
One tends to grow a little crazy after 20 plus hours of basketball over four days.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Geographically Challenged
March Madness is here. Once again, we marvel at the abilities of collegiate student-athletes on the basketball court. We eagerly note their trend-setting hairstyles and tattoos. We seek the answer to that vexing question - "Who thought that knee-length baggy shorts look good?"
There is a disturbing note to this year's March Madness. Once again, the Tournament has four geographical regions - East, South, Midwest, and West, but the geographical knowledge of the NCAA Committee is questionable. The first round of the East Regional is set for Buffalo, NY which is OK, but also in New Orleans, Jacksonville, and San Jose, CA. Now New Orleans and Jacksonville are at least east of the Mississippi, but San Jose is east of only Hawaii. Did some of our NCAA commissioners call in sick the day when the big map of the USA went on the board in Geography class?
The South Regional begins in Providence, RI and Spokane, WA along with New Orleans and Jacksonville. Try ordering hush puppies and grits in Providence and Spokane, Southerners. The West Regional opens in Buffalo which is a far cry from the sun, sand, and beaches that we associate with the Golden West. The Midwest Regional initially plays in Providence and Spokane as well which are about as far east and west as you can get from the Midwest and still be in North America.
Now, the Regional Finals take place in Syracuse (East), Houston (South), St Louis (Midwest), and Salt Lake City (West) and the Tournament is seeded 1 through 64 regardless of geography, so the whole East, South, Midwest, West thing doesn't matter. Still, what message are we sending to our youth when presumably educated college sports administrators imply that San Jose is East, Providence is South, and Buffalo is West?
There is a disturbing note to this year's March Madness. Once again, the Tournament has four geographical regions - East, South, Midwest, and West, but the geographical knowledge of the NCAA Committee is questionable. The first round of the East Regional is set for Buffalo, NY which is OK, but also in New Orleans, Jacksonville, and San Jose, CA. Now New Orleans and Jacksonville are at least east of the Mississippi, but San Jose is east of only Hawaii. Did some of our NCAA commissioners call in sick the day when the big map of the USA went on the board in Geography class?
The South Regional begins in Providence, RI and Spokane, WA along with New Orleans and Jacksonville. Try ordering hush puppies and grits in Providence and Spokane, Southerners. The West Regional opens in Buffalo which is a far cry from the sun, sand, and beaches that we associate with the Golden West. The Midwest Regional initially plays in Providence and Spokane as well which are about as far east and west as you can get from the Midwest and still be in North America.
Now, the Regional Finals take place in Syracuse (East), Houston (South), St Louis (Midwest), and Salt Lake City (West) and the Tournament is seeded 1 through 64 regardless of geography, so the whole East, South, Midwest, West thing doesn't matter. Still, what message are we sending to our youth when presumably educated college sports administrators imply that San Jose is East, Providence is South, and Buffalo is West?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Pay the Price
Yesterday's newspaper included this bit of Entertainment News - "Singer and sometimes actress Jessica Simpson has paid the price of beauty and now she's examining people's obsession with looking good. The 29 year old has decided to turn the tables on questions about how she looked. The result is a new show called "Jessica Simpson's Price of Beauty".
On the following page was a photo of two Army trainees at Fort Jackson pounding the crap out of each other in a close combat drill. Apparently, hand-to-hand techniques and "core strength" drills are now added to the daily 5 mile runs that we all so fondly recall.
Poor Jessica Simpson, She has paid that price of beauty, been insulted as "fat" by a snarky magazine cover, and is rewarded with a TV show. Meanwhile, those trainees at Fort Jackson are paying a price in sweat and pain, being insulted as "maggots" by a snarky drill sergeant, and are rewarded with a combat tour half-way around the world.
As we empathize with poor Jess paying the price of beauty and getting insulted for it, let's not forget those who pay a greater price and get shot at as a reward.
On the following page was a photo of two Army trainees at Fort Jackson pounding the crap out of each other in a close combat drill. Apparently, hand-to-hand techniques and "core strength" drills are now added to the daily 5 mile runs that we all so fondly recall.
Poor Jessica Simpson, She has paid that price of beauty, been insulted as "fat" by a snarky magazine cover, and is rewarded with a TV show. Meanwhile, those trainees at Fort Jackson are paying a price in sweat and pain, being insulted as "maggots" by a snarky drill sergeant, and are rewarded with a combat tour half-way around the world.
As we empathize with poor Jess paying the price of beauty and getting insulted for it, let's not forget those who pay a greater price and get shot at as a reward.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Man Pak
Jerry Seinfeld once noted that men continue washing and re-wearing their underwear until "it vaporizes into tiny invisible bubbles". I'm sure that if I looked hard enough in my underwear drawer, I'd find some articles still with my name tags sewn on from when I first went away to summer camp. Hey, nobody sees it and as long as it still fits, why not wear it?
An entrepreneur has taken advantage of this testosterone-fueled quirk and offers the "Man Pak". For a mere $33, he ships a sufficient quantity of underwear and socks to keep a man relatively clean and sanitary for three months. On second thought, the entrepreneur is undoubtedly female. Guys don't care about boxers with sagging waistbands, tee-shirts with stains from that barbecue back in '98, or socks washed to near transparency. Women, on the other hand, remember Mom's age-old advice - "Always wear clean (and intact) underwear. What if you're taken to the hospital?"
I heard of the "Man Pak" on Sports Radio. It is probably a marketing faux pas to advertise a product primarily purchased by women on male-dominated media. I would recommend a "Man Pak" commercial on a female-oriented TV show like "The View". The camera zooms in on a typically busy hospital Emergency Room. An ambulance pulls up and a man is brought in on a stretcher accompanied by his wife. The wife frantically seeks out a nurse. "You must help my husband. We were in a horrible accident!"
The nurse races over to the stretcher and removes the man's shirt. The camera zooms in on DIRTY UNDERWEAR. "Sorry, M'am. We are awfully busy right now and your husband is wearing dirty underwear. We must treat these people with head colds, hangnails AND CLEAN UNDERWEAR first. Just keep finger pressure on that spurting artery until we get to him."
The wife looks to the camera and states, "If only I'd gotten him a Man Pak."
An entrepreneur has taken advantage of this testosterone-fueled quirk and offers the "Man Pak". For a mere $33, he ships a sufficient quantity of underwear and socks to keep a man relatively clean and sanitary for three months. On second thought, the entrepreneur is undoubtedly female. Guys don't care about boxers with sagging waistbands, tee-shirts with stains from that barbecue back in '98, or socks washed to near transparency. Women, on the other hand, remember Mom's age-old advice - "Always wear clean (and intact) underwear. What if you're taken to the hospital?"
I heard of the "Man Pak" on Sports Radio. It is probably a marketing faux pas to advertise a product primarily purchased by women on male-dominated media. I would recommend a "Man Pak" commercial on a female-oriented TV show like "The View". The camera zooms in on a typically busy hospital Emergency Room. An ambulance pulls up and a man is brought in on a stretcher accompanied by his wife. The wife frantically seeks out a nurse. "You must help my husband. We were in a horrible accident!"
The nurse races over to the stretcher and removes the man's shirt. The camera zooms in on DIRTY UNDERWEAR. "Sorry, M'am. We are awfully busy right now and your husband is wearing dirty underwear. We must treat these people with head colds, hangnails AND CLEAN UNDERWEAR first. Just keep finger pressure on that spurting artery until we get to him."
The wife looks to the camera and states, "If only I'd gotten him a Man Pak."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Donut Center
The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, AKA March Madness, AKA American business slows to a crawl as cubicle dwellers fill out their brackets and dream of winning riches in the office pool, plays its games at "neutral sites" as opposed to the home campuses of the participants. Said "neutral sites" are not in Switzerland or Sweden and do not have eggshell white or gray as their dominant color scheme. They are arenas in big cities whose hotels and restaurants eagerly anticipate the arrivals of thousands of well-heeled fans of the participants.
The Tournament's first round will take place at the HP (as in Hewlett-Packard) Pavilion in San Jose, at HSBC (a big, no doubt too big to fail, bank) Arena in Buffalo, at the Ford Center in Oklahoma City and at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee among other sites. The common thread here is a big corporation paying big bucks for naming rights and a sort of macho cachet. "Today, you may be playing basketball at the Hewlett-Packard Pavilion, baggy shorts-wearing, tattooed, corn-rowed young athlete. Tomorrow, you'll be working for our wonderful corporation (assuming that you clean up your act)."
Destroying this concept is another Tournament site - The Dunkin' Donuts Center in Providence, RI. Dunkin' Donuts Center? Dunkin' Donuts have no centers! They all became munchkins! What donut centers exist are creme or jelly filling. At least, name the arena The Dunkin' Donuts Powdered Sugar Topping or Glaze, but never Center.
Actually, considering the academic achievement level of many collegiate hoopsters and the current job market, Dunkin' Donuts, more than H-P, HSBC, Ford, or Bradley might be the employment destination for many of these lads.
The Tournament's first round will take place at the HP (as in Hewlett-Packard) Pavilion in San Jose, at HSBC (a big, no doubt too big to fail, bank) Arena in Buffalo, at the Ford Center in Oklahoma City and at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee among other sites. The common thread here is a big corporation paying big bucks for naming rights and a sort of macho cachet. "Today, you may be playing basketball at the Hewlett-Packard Pavilion, baggy shorts-wearing, tattooed, corn-rowed young athlete. Tomorrow, you'll be working for our wonderful corporation (assuming that you clean up your act)."
Destroying this concept is another Tournament site - The Dunkin' Donuts Center in Providence, RI. Dunkin' Donuts Center? Dunkin' Donuts have no centers! They all became munchkins! What donut centers exist are creme or jelly filling. At least, name the arena The Dunkin' Donuts Powdered Sugar Topping or Glaze, but never Center.
Actually, considering the academic achievement level of many collegiate hoopsters and the current job market, Dunkin' Donuts, more than H-P, HSBC, Ford, or Bradley might be the employment destination for many of these lads.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Bread and Circuses
Sports Radio carried a commercial touting the advantages of workplace bonding by go-kart racing at a local indoor facility. "It's Joe from Accounting in the lead and here comes Barry from Shipping!" Nothing relieves those workplace frustrations like spraying the boss with dirt and exhaust fumes as you slingshot past him on the final straightway. That's got to beat Trust Exercises - "Just relax and fall backward. Surely the guy you screwed over to get your last promotion will catch you."
The kicker came when the location of the "massive indoor karting facility" was announced as "the former Mack Assembly Plant 5C in Allentown."
So now we have the site of what used to be the largest employer in Allentown as a go-kart racing track and the old Bethlehem Steel site, formerly the largest employer in Bethlehem as a casino. Who needs dump trucks and structural steel when we can have go-kart racing and slot machines? We will let Mexico and India actually make stuff while we keep ourselves entertained with racing and gambling.
Actually, it is a good thing that the Mack and Bethlehem Steel sites are being used for something rather than being allowed to rot. Although the days of Mack and Steel workers bringing home paychecks and benefits sufficient to support a family are long gone, the go-kart and casino workers are off the unemployment rolls. Still, it seems that "bread and circuses" are overtaking hard work and productivity.
The kicker came when the location of the "massive indoor karting facility" was announced as "the former Mack Assembly Plant 5C in Allentown."
So now we have the site of what used to be the largest employer in Allentown as a go-kart racing track and the old Bethlehem Steel site, formerly the largest employer in Bethlehem as a casino. Who needs dump trucks and structural steel when we can have go-kart racing and slot machines? We will let Mexico and India actually make stuff while we keep ourselves entertained with racing and gambling.
Actually, it is a good thing that the Mack and Bethlehem Steel sites are being used for something rather than being allowed to rot. Although the days of Mack and Steel workers bringing home paychecks and benefits sufficient to support a family are long gone, the go-kart and casino workers are off the unemployment rolls. Still, it seems that "bread and circuses" are overtaking hard work and productivity.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Live Table Games
A billboard along I-95 in Delaware caught my eye. It showed an attractive young lady peering over a hand of playing cards and was captioned "Live Table Games, Delaware Park".
Now, as a life-long speaker of good old American English, I understood this to mean that the poker, roulette, and blackjack games there are run, not electronically, but by human beings who may or may not be as cold-bloodedly effective at relieving gamblers of their money as a computer set for a certain "take". All the more reason to head south from PA when gambling fever strikes.
But what might a non-native English speaker take from this caption? If the definition of "life" is respiration, waste production, and potential to reproduce, what manner of table games are these that may suck the oxygen out of the room, poop all over my new shoes, and potentially outrage my sensibilities with shameless acts of sexuality? Would PETA require the disclaimer, "No tables were harmed in the spin of this roulette wheel"?
Or taking it another way, "Live Table" games implies sentient tables in athletic or mental contests. "Ps-s-st, Buddy. Put your money on the mahogany dining room table. That stained cherry dry bar was out last night boozing it up." Actually, "Live Table" games would be less exciting than Olympic Curling. I'm not traveling to The Diamond State for that.
Clearly, the term "Live Table Games" is intended to keep non-native English speakers out of Delaware Park's casino.
Now, as a life-long speaker of good old American English, I understood this to mean that the poker, roulette, and blackjack games there are run, not electronically, but by human beings who may or may not be as cold-bloodedly effective at relieving gamblers of their money as a computer set for a certain "take". All the more reason to head south from PA when gambling fever strikes.
But what might a non-native English speaker take from this caption? If the definition of "life" is respiration, waste production, and potential to reproduce, what manner of table games are these that may suck the oxygen out of the room, poop all over my new shoes, and potentially outrage my sensibilities with shameless acts of sexuality? Would PETA require the disclaimer, "No tables were harmed in the spin of this roulette wheel"?
Or taking it another way, "Live Table" games implies sentient tables in athletic or mental contests. "Ps-s-st, Buddy. Put your money on the mahogany dining room table. That stained cherry dry bar was out last night boozing it up." Actually, "Live Table" games would be less exciting than Olympic Curling. I'm not traveling to The Diamond State for that.
Clearly, the term "Live Table Games" is intended to keep non-native English speakers out of Delaware Park's casino.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Gremlins in the Wall
Those nasty gremlins in the bathroom wall were at it again last night. While I was innocently slumbering, they emerged from hiding and raised the medicine cabinet higher above the sink.
Imagine their evil chuckling as they watched me emerge this morning craning my neck to see my reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. "Look at the expression on his face! Bwah-ha-ha-ha. Tonight, we'll lower the toilet. That'll really get him."
Or maybe it wasn't gremlins. When I straightened my back (still in painfully twisted mode after a night's sleep), the mirror was at its familiar height.
There was a time when I would wake up refreshed after a solid sleep. Those aches and pains that accompanied me to bed magically disappeared. Now I arise feeling worse than when I retired. Why do old folks get up at the crack of dawn? Because it hurts to sleep! This logically results in Early Bird Dinners, off to bed shortly after "Wheel of Fortune", and "if you kids can't keep that damn ball in your own yard, I'm going to keep it!".
Or maybe it's those gremlins after all,
Imagine their evil chuckling as they watched me emerge this morning craning my neck to see my reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. "Look at the expression on his face! Bwah-ha-ha-ha. Tonight, we'll lower the toilet. That'll really get him."
Or maybe it wasn't gremlins. When I straightened my back (still in painfully twisted mode after a night's sleep), the mirror was at its familiar height.
There was a time when I would wake up refreshed after a solid sleep. Those aches and pains that accompanied me to bed magically disappeared. Now I arise feeling worse than when I retired. Why do old folks get up at the crack of dawn? Because it hurts to sleep! This logically results in Early Bird Dinners, off to bed shortly after "Wheel of Fortune", and "if you kids can't keep that damn ball in your own yard, I'm going to keep it!".
Or maybe it's those gremlins after all,
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Reality Bites
The Amazing Race won the Emmy as top reality show the last few years running. It features twelve pairs of contestants "in a race around the world". The pairs can be described in two-word-maximum subtitles. This year, the Race includes "Cowboy Brothers", "Lawyer Moms", and the ever-popular "Dating Models". Pretty much every race has included "Dating Models", a boy-girl pair straight from a jeans ad proving that looks conquer brains when TV ratings are at stake.
Sunday's episode found the contestants in Hamburg, Germany where they had to consume a heaping bowl of sauerkraut before a cavorting polka band completed a stirring rendition of the ever-popular "Sauerkraut Polka" followed by a mad dash to a tavern where they had to down a large quantity of beer. After that, they had to take a taxi to the check-in point. One guy found that the sauerkraut didn't agree with him and vomited copiously which was. of course, captured in all its glory on camera. Now there's a film clip to save for posterity.
Several teams experienced a different sort of gastric distress during the cab ride which led to the taxi's windows being quickly opened to eliminate noxious fumes. Again, this is just the sort of thing that one wishes to be broadcast on network prime time TV. Think of the children!
I had a similar experience though sadly not captured on camera. Just prior to completion of our stint at Fort Belvoir, my Engineer Officer Training class received funding for a picnic. The Army's Post Exchange Fund provided just enough money for a keg of beer and several pans of baked beans. We consumed the beer and beans in record time and found ourselves packed into the back of 2-1/2 ton trucks for the journey back to Ft Belvoir. We could handle the diesel exhaust fumes back there. After all we were used to it after 10 weeks. The flatulence was a different matter. It started as "boys will be boys" fun, but quickly degenerated into a "how long can I keep my lunch down?" ordeal.
We were not exactly "Dating Models", "Lawyer Moms" or "Cowboy Brothers" and Reality TV had not as yet been invented, but imagine the ratings for a truckload of young Army lieutenants gasping and retching. That's entertainment.
Sunday's episode found the contestants in Hamburg, Germany where they had to consume a heaping bowl of sauerkraut before a cavorting polka band completed a stirring rendition of the ever-popular "Sauerkraut Polka" followed by a mad dash to a tavern where they had to down a large quantity of beer. After that, they had to take a taxi to the check-in point. One guy found that the sauerkraut didn't agree with him and vomited copiously which was. of course, captured in all its glory on camera. Now there's a film clip to save for posterity.
Several teams experienced a different sort of gastric distress during the cab ride which led to the taxi's windows being quickly opened to eliminate noxious fumes. Again, this is just the sort of thing that one wishes to be broadcast on network prime time TV. Think of the children!
I had a similar experience though sadly not captured on camera. Just prior to completion of our stint at Fort Belvoir, my Engineer Officer Training class received funding for a picnic. The Army's Post Exchange Fund provided just enough money for a keg of beer and several pans of baked beans. We consumed the beer and beans in record time and found ourselves packed into the back of 2-1/2 ton trucks for the journey back to Ft Belvoir. We could handle the diesel exhaust fumes back there. After all we were used to it after 10 weeks. The flatulence was a different matter. It started as "boys will be boys" fun, but quickly degenerated into a "how long can I keep my lunch down?" ordeal.
We were not exactly "Dating Models", "Lawyer Moms" or "Cowboy Brothers" and Reality TV had not as yet been invented, but imagine the ratings for a truckload of young Army lieutenants gasping and retching. That's entertainment.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Smarter Than The Average Bear (Stearns)
A mere eighteen months ago, the Financial World was collapsing about our heads. We taxpayers ponied up hundreds of billions to prevent certain Financial Giants deemed "too big to fail" from doing just that. The alternative was "Another Great Depression", bread lines, Dust Bowls, the rise of fascism, and a return to starched collars and ties as corporate casual office wear. Well, we can't have that.
Not to worry, though. Its grantors claimed that the Great Bailout of 2008 was actually a loan from the government and those hundreds of billions will surely come back with interest. To which the American public replied, "As if."
Lo and behold (and just in time for the Christmas Bonus Season on Wall Street, coincidence?), those loans were repaid. In fact, Goldman Sachs and the remaining Financial Giants were making money hand over fist. (Sorry about that, Bear Stearns, Merill-Lynch, Wachovia and the rest of you guys who got acquired by the remaining Giants. Try to have your former CEO as Secretary of the Treasury when the next Financial Tsunami hits. Hank Poulsen made sure that Goldman was atop the "too big to fail list".)
But how did Goldman come up with those repayment billions so quickly? The World Economy is still in the crapper. It turns out that they had an ace in the hole. When Greece wanted to join the European Union, they went to Goldman to "cook their books" so that it appeared that they had a lot less debt than they actually did. Hey, Goldman convinced everyone that the sub-prime mortgage market would expand forever and look how well that turned out.
The EU admitted Greece and everything was hunky-dory until Goldman needed hundreds of billions quickly or Uncle Sam would send his knee cap - breakers to collect on those bail-out loans. So Goldman invested heavily on a Greek default, sold short on the Euro, and let the word out that maybe there are bigger problems in Athens than bad sour cream on the gyros. So what ifa few Greek pensioners go hungry. Goldman execs can collect their multi-million dollar bonuses without Congress bitching about unpaid loans.
In the words of Yogi Bear, Goldman is certainly "smarter than the average Bear (Stearns)." After all, Goldman is still here and Bear Stearns isn't. Still, it does seem that profiting from inside knowledge of what appears to be massive fraud is un-sporting if not illegal.
Not to worry, though. Its grantors claimed that the Great Bailout of 2008 was actually a loan from the government and those hundreds of billions will surely come back with interest. To which the American public replied, "As if."
Lo and behold (and just in time for the Christmas Bonus Season on Wall Street, coincidence?), those loans were repaid. In fact, Goldman Sachs and the remaining Financial Giants were making money hand over fist. (Sorry about that, Bear Stearns, Merill-Lynch, Wachovia and the rest of you guys who got acquired by the remaining Giants. Try to have your former CEO as Secretary of the Treasury when the next Financial Tsunami hits. Hank Poulsen made sure that Goldman was atop the "too big to fail list".)
But how did Goldman come up with those repayment billions so quickly? The World Economy is still in the crapper. It turns out that they had an ace in the hole. When Greece wanted to join the European Union, they went to Goldman to "cook their books" so that it appeared that they had a lot less debt than they actually did. Hey, Goldman convinced everyone that the sub-prime mortgage market would expand forever and look how well that turned out.
The EU admitted Greece and everything was hunky-dory until Goldman needed hundreds of billions quickly or Uncle Sam would send his knee cap - breakers to collect on those bail-out loans. So Goldman invested heavily on a Greek default, sold short on the Euro, and let the word out that maybe there are bigger problems in Athens than bad sour cream on the gyros. So what ifa few Greek pensioners go hungry. Goldman execs can collect their multi-million dollar bonuses without Congress bitching about unpaid loans.
In the words of Yogi Bear, Goldman is certainly "smarter than the average Bear (Stearns)." After all, Goldman is still here and Bear Stearns isn't. Still, it does seem that profiting from inside knowledge of what appears to be massive fraud is un-sporting if not illegal.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Name Game
I once had to study the Annual Reports of major corporations. I was struck by the fact that they all followed the same format beginning with a cheery Message From the CEO on pages 2 and 3 that painted a bright future for the company and noted in the second to last paragraph that "Our employees are our most valuable asset (next to all those stock options I've got squirreled away in that bank in the Cayman Islands)."
I also noted that CEOs were invariably middle-aged white guys with "executive" haircuts, rimless reading glasses, surnames that end in a consonant and striking monosyllabic first names like "Rick" or "Chuck". Now, we're all going to be middle-aged at some point. "Executive" haircuts and rimless reading glasses aren't hard to come by. Sadly. you're either a white guy or you're not though you can always become the token woman on the Board of Directors or the token black guy Executive Vice President. You won't be admitted to the Country Club to golf with the CEO and the rest of the Board, but you still get a decent bonus.
The remaining CEO candidates need merely change their surname to something Anglo-Saxon, come up with a catchy, macho first name and they are in the running.
The Name Game also applies to the World of Crime. Last week, Robert Twist went before a local judge for sentencing on a theft conviction. The "literary" judge asked Robert if he had any relatives named Oliver. When Robert showed some familiarity with the Dickens work, the judge assigned him to write a character description of Fagin as part of his sentence. With prison time served, Robert had only to make restitution and write the report.
Prospective criminals might be advised to change their name to something literary. What judge could sentence even the worst criminal to a lengthy prison stay if he were named Harry Potter. "Poor lad, orphaned and scarred. Everyone out to get you. Write me a report on that Quidditch match, send it to me by owl, and I'll let you go."
Those who choose to impress their peers by taking a less-likable literary nom-de-crime had best beware. What judge would fail to send a criminal named Voldemort to county prison or even to Azbakan?
I also noted that CEOs were invariably middle-aged white guys with "executive" haircuts, rimless reading glasses, surnames that end in a consonant and striking monosyllabic first names like "Rick" or "Chuck". Now, we're all going to be middle-aged at some point. "Executive" haircuts and rimless reading glasses aren't hard to come by. Sadly. you're either a white guy or you're not though you can always become the token woman on the Board of Directors or the token black guy Executive Vice President. You won't be admitted to the Country Club to golf with the CEO and the rest of the Board, but you still get a decent bonus.
The remaining CEO candidates need merely change their surname to something Anglo-Saxon, come up with a catchy, macho first name and they are in the running.
The Name Game also applies to the World of Crime. Last week, Robert Twist went before a local judge for sentencing on a theft conviction. The "literary" judge asked Robert if he had any relatives named Oliver. When Robert showed some familiarity with the Dickens work, the judge assigned him to write a character description of Fagin as part of his sentence. With prison time served, Robert had only to make restitution and write the report.
Prospective criminals might be advised to change their name to something literary. What judge could sentence even the worst criminal to a lengthy prison stay if he were named Harry Potter. "Poor lad, orphaned and scarred. Everyone out to get you. Write me a report on that Quidditch match, send it to me by owl, and I'll let you go."
Those who choose to impress their peers by taking a less-likable literary nom-de-crime had best beware. What judge would fail to send a criminal named Voldemort to county prison or even to Azbakan?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Think of the Children
We all await with bated breath certain nominations - the candidates for President, the Academy Award for Best Picture, Prom King and Queen. Prom King and Queen, you say? Most people can't remember who ran for President when they were in high school or which movie won the Oscar last year, but we all recall that skank Tiffany who stuffed the ballot box not to mention her bra to win Prom Queen when we were seniors..
Another nomination is rapidly approaching these in popularity and controversy. "Dancing With The Stars" announced its celebrity line-up for the upcoming season last week. Included is Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" fame. She is joined by Pamela Anderson (Baywatch was a while ago, wasn't it, Pam?) and one of The Pussycat Dolls (The arc of musical genius goes Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Beatles, Pussycat Dolls).
Kate is the most controversial choice. One might think that a now-single mom with eight kids whose TV show was just cancelled would have enough on her plate without submitting to hours of dance rehearsals. Even Sarah Palin had to give up her day job as governor and first line of defense against Russian bombers over the Bering Strait to devote her time to her children, grandchild, hunting, fishing, and Fox News commentary.
But not our girl Kate. She can do it all. As a blogger to the local newspaper said, ""It's time for her to have a bit of fun. I hope that she enjoys Dancing With The Stars and I truly hope that her eight children enjoy looking back at old videos in the future." Not so fast there, blogger. Videos of Mom in a skimpy outfit doing the rhumba with a guy half her age are not exactly what Jon & Kate's Eight want playing on the TV when they have a sleepover with their friends. Have fun, Kate, but, in the immortal phrase, "Think of the children." Pamela Anderson and Miss Pussycat have enough stuff on You Tube to embarrass their kids into drug addiction or a cult already. You still have a relatively clean slate.
Another nomination is rapidly approaching these in popularity and controversy. "Dancing With The Stars" announced its celebrity line-up for the upcoming season last week. Included is Kate Gosselin of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" fame. She is joined by Pamela Anderson (Baywatch was a while ago, wasn't it, Pam?) and one of The Pussycat Dolls (The arc of musical genius goes Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Beatles, Pussycat Dolls).
Kate is the most controversial choice. One might think that a now-single mom with eight kids whose TV show was just cancelled would have enough on her plate without submitting to hours of dance rehearsals. Even Sarah Palin had to give up her day job as governor and first line of defense against Russian bombers over the Bering Strait to devote her time to her children, grandchild, hunting, fishing, and Fox News commentary.
But not our girl Kate. She can do it all. As a blogger to the local newspaper said, ""It's time for her to have a bit of fun. I hope that she enjoys Dancing With The Stars and I truly hope that her eight children enjoy looking back at old videos in the future." Not so fast there, blogger. Videos of Mom in a skimpy outfit doing the rhumba with a guy half her age are not exactly what Jon & Kate's Eight want playing on the TV when they have a sleepover with their friends. Have fun, Kate, but, in the immortal phrase, "Think of the children." Pamela Anderson and Miss Pussycat have enough stuff on You Tube to embarrass their kids into drug addiction or a cult already. You still have a relatively clean slate.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Underweargate
Crusading journalist Upton Sinclair exposed unsanitary practices in the meat packing industry leading to the establishment of the Food and Drug Administration. Crusading journalists Woodward and Bernstein revealed shady political dealings during the Watergate Affair resulting in the resignation of a president. Following that fine tradition, the crusading journalists of the "Today Show" ripped the lid off Underweargate in a shocking report broadcast this morning.
It began with "Woman In The Street" interviews. Well-coiffed, smartly-dressed, sunglasses-wearing (in New York City in winter?) women were asked, "Would you wear second-hand, used underwear?" Responses ranged from "Ew-w-w" to "Excuse me while I vomit on the street."
"You may unknowingly be doing it right now!" stated the Voice of Doom.
The report then detailed how the intrepid Investigative Team purchased women's panties at "the stores where you like to shop" showing videoed purchases at Bloomingdales, Victoria's Secret, and Nordstroms. Remarkably, "Today Show" sponsor Walmart was not shown. I guess everyone, even poor people buy their underwear at high-end department stores.
The crew removed the tags, cleverly marked the new purchases and returned them the next day. In every case, they were accepted "with a full refund" while hidden cameras revealed them being re-tagged and put back on the rack, in one case before the returning purchaser even left the store.
A former Victoria's Secret employee noted, "If the returned goods smell bad, we air them out overnight before putting them back on the rack." Ew-w-w, indeed. A distinguished-looking doctor recounted the disease-bearing bacteria and fungi that may be transmitted by dirty underwear. Mom was right. You should always wear clean underwear. What if you're in an accident and they have to take you to the hospital or, even worse, what if a "Today Show" film crew is lurking.
To prevent a unruly mob of "Ladies Who Lunch" marching on high-end Manhattan stores with pitchforks aloft and torches ablaze, the report ended with this disclaimer - "All the underwear was re-purchased and is no longer available."
One hundred years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our food for the better. Forty years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our politics for the better. In 2010, crack investigative reporting reinforced what Mom always said, "Wash that underwear before you wear it unless, of course, you bought it at a store that advertises on the Today Show."
It began with "Woman In The Street" interviews. Well-coiffed, smartly-dressed, sunglasses-wearing (in New York City in winter?) women were asked, "Would you wear second-hand, used underwear?" Responses ranged from "Ew-w-w" to "Excuse me while I vomit on the street."
"You may unknowingly be doing it right now!" stated the Voice of Doom.
The report then detailed how the intrepid Investigative Team purchased women's panties at "the stores where you like to shop" showing videoed purchases at Bloomingdales, Victoria's Secret, and Nordstroms. Remarkably, "Today Show" sponsor Walmart was not shown. I guess everyone, even poor people buy their underwear at high-end department stores.
The crew removed the tags, cleverly marked the new purchases and returned them the next day. In every case, they were accepted "with a full refund" while hidden cameras revealed them being re-tagged and put back on the rack, in one case before the returning purchaser even left the store.
A former Victoria's Secret employee noted, "If the returned goods smell bad, we air them out overnight before putting them back on the rack." Ew-w-w, indeed. A distinguished-looking doctor recounted the disease-bearing bacteria and fungi that may be transmitted by dirty underwear. Mom was right. You should always wear clean underwear. What if you're in an accident and they have to take you to the hospital or, even worse, what if a "Today Show" film crew is lurking.
To prevent a unruly mob of "Ladies Who Lunch" marching on high-end Manhattan stores with pitchforks aloft and torches ablaze, the report ended with this disclaimer - "All the underwear was re-purchased and is no longer available."
One hundred years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our food for the better. Forty years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our politics for the better. In 2010, crack investigative reporting reinforced what Mom always said, "Wash that underwear before you wear it unless, of course, you bought it at a store that advertises on the Today Show."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Ahead of Their Time
Today's newspaper cites fake mustaches as a hot trend for 2010. An on-line marketplace features more than 1,800 items showcasing the 'stache. Hipsters are forming Fake Mustache Clubs. Playful wedding portraits feature group shots of the bridal party resembling a "Magnum PI" Convention. Young women are lining their forefingers in permanent ink, holding said fingers above their lip, and "giggling and laughing our heads off" according to the newspaper article.
They say that fashion is cyclical and the female mustache appears to be on a 60 year cycle. Apparently, the grandmothers of Scranton, PA were ahead of their time. Scranton back in the 1950s was, to put it mildly, ethnically diverse. Many of my friends' grandmothers had immigrated from "the old country" and found American ideals of female grooming somewhat less important than establishing a home, raising a family, and hauling their husbands home from the neighborhood bar on payday.
Once the estrogen stopped flowing, many "omas", "nanas", and "babushkas" developed mustaches and kept them. I fondly remember being tickled by my grandmother's mustache. If that failed to raise a giggle from her grandchildren, she also had a set of ill-fitting dentures. When she quickly opened her mouth, they would slip from her gums and clatter together. Top that for a means of amusing a baby, Fisher-Price!
My parents' generation was, of course, totally Americanized. No men other than Clark Gable sported a 'stache and young women in the 1940s and 50s even shaved their eyebrows. As grandmotherly mustaches disappeared from the American scene, ADHD and other juvenile disorders flourished. Coincidence? I think not. Give an infant a good belly tickle with nana's mustache and you can put away the Ritalin. The child will feel loved.
They say that fashion is cyclical and the female mustache appears to be on a 60 year cycle. Apparently, the grandmothers of Scranton, PA were ahead of their time. Scranton back in the 1950s was, to put it mildly, ethnically diverse. Many of my friends' grandmothers had immigrated from "the old country" and found American ideals of female grooming somewhat less important than establishing a home, raising a family, and hauling their husbands home from the neighborhood bar on payday.
Once the estrogen stopped flowing, many "omas", "nanas", and "babushkas" developed mustaches and kept them. I fondly remember being tickled by my grandmother's mustache. If that failed to raise a giggle from her grandchildren, she also had a set of ill-fitting dentures. When she quickly opened her mouth, they would slip from her gums and clatter together. Top that for a means of amusing a baby, Fisher-Price!
My parents' generation was, of course, totally Americanized. No men other than Clark Gable sported a 'stache and young women in the 1940s and 50s even shaved their eyebrows. As grandmotherly mustaches disappeared from the American scene, ADHD and other juvenile disorders flourished. Coincidence? I think not. Give an infant a good belly tickle with nana's mustache and you can put away the Ritalin. The child will feel loved.
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