Underweargate

Crusading journalist Upton Sinclair exposed unsanitary practices in the meat packing industry leading to the establishment of the Food and Drug Administration. Crusading journalists Woodward and Bernstein revealed shady political dealings during the Watergate Affair resulting in the resignation of a president. Following that fine tradition, the crusading journalists of the "Today Show" ripped the lid off Underweargate in a shocking report broadcast this morning.

It began with "Woman In The Street" interviews. Well-coiffed, smartly-dressed, sunglasses-wearing (in New York City in winter?) women were asked, "Would you wear second-hand, used underwear?" Responses ranged from "Ew-w-w" to "Excuse me while I vomit on the street."

"You may unknowingly be doing it right now!" stated the Voice of Doom.

The report then detailed how the intrepid Investigative Team purchased women's panties at "the stores where you like to shop" showing videoed purchases at Bloomingdales, Victoria's Secret, and Nordstroms. Remarkably, "Today Show" sponsor Walmart was not shown. I guess everyone, even poor people buy their underwear at high-end department stores.

The crew removed the tags, cleverly marked the new purchases and returned them the next day. In every case, they were accepted "with a full refund" while hidden cameras revealed them being re-tagged and put back on the rack, in one case before the returning purchaser even left the store.

A former Victoria's Secret employee noted, "If the returned goods smell bad, we air them out overnight before putting them back on the rack." Ew-w-w, indeed. A distinguished-looking doctor recounted the disease-bearing bacteria and fungi that may be transmitted by dirty underwear. Mom was right. You should always wear clean underwear. What if you're in an accident and they have to take you to the hospital or, even worse, what if a "Today Show" film crew is lurking.

To prevent a unruly mob of "Ladies Who Lunch" marching on high-end Manhattan stores with pitchforks aloft and torches ablaze, the report ended with this disclaimer - "All the underwear was re-purchased and is no longer available."

One hundred years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our food for the better. Forty years ago, crack investigative reporting changed our politics for the better. In 2010, crack investigative reporting reinforced what Mom always said, "Wash that underwear before you wear it unless, of course, you bought it at a store that advertises on the Today Show."