The Name Game

I once had to study the Annual Reports of major corporations. I was struck by the fact that they all followed the same format beginning with a cheery Message From the CEO on pages 2 and 3 that painted a bright future for the company and noted in the second to last paragraph that "Our employees are our most valuable asset (next to all those stock options I've got squirreled away in that bank in the Cayman Islands)."

I also noted that CEOs were invariably middle-aged white guys with "executive" haircuts, rimless reading glasses, surnames that end in a consonant and striking monosyllabic first names like "Rick" or "Chuck". Now, we're all going to be middle-aged at some point. "Executive" haircuts and rimless reading glasses aren't hard to come by. Sadly. you're either a white guy or you're not though you can always become the token woman on the Board of Directors or the token black guy Executive Vice President. You won't be admitted to the Country Club to golf with the CEO and the rest of the Board, but you still get a decent bonus.

The remaining CEO candidates need merely change their surname to something Anglo-Saxon, come up with a catchy, macho first name and they are in the running.

The Name Game also applies to the World of Crime. Last week, Robert Twist went before a local judge for sentencing on a theft conviction. The "literary" judge asked Robert if he had any relatives named Oliver. When Robert showed some familiarity with the Dickens work, the judge assigned him to write a character description of Fagin as part of his sentence. With prison time served, Robert had only to make restitution and write the report.

Prospective criminals might be advised to change their name to something literary. What judge could sentence even the worst criminal to a lengthy prison stay if he were named Harry Potter. "Poor lad, orphaned and scarred. Everyone out to get you. Write me a report on that Quidditch match, send it to me by owl, and I'll let you go."

Those who choose to impress their peers by taking a less-likable literary nom-de-crime had best beware. What judge would fail to send a criminal named Voldemort to county prison or even to Azbakan?