Viewing With Alarm

A great way for a politician to get on the nightly news and not coincidentally, to make a name for himself is to "view with alarm". It is not necessary to propose a solution. All that is required is to frighten the people.

With the advent of full-body scanners at New Jersey airports, the Garden State Legislature passed a resolution urging Congress to review the program. The resolution claims the scanners are "a gross violation of the fourth amendment right against unreasonable search and seizure" and that they pose a health risk with radiation exposure to pregnant women and small children. Those are reasonable arguments, but reasonable arguments don't get you on Action News or give you a good video clip for your next campaign.

A legislator expanded on the argument. If a passenger declines to go through the scanner, he/she is subject to a pat-down "that involves touching of the genital areas. If this occurred in another setting, someone would be going to jail!" First, the government refuses Grandma her Social Security COLA. Now they are fondling her as she passes through the airport.

Grandma is not the only one in danger. Those scanner images of little Josh and Tiffany before they boarded the plane to Disney World "can be transferred to a server where they could be viewed by many people!" The government is stopping miniature terrorists, but is providing a bonanza for pedophiles.

But I'm not a Grandma, a pregnant woman, or a small child, what do you have to frighten me? "What's to stop them (the government) from doing this kind of thing (full body scanners) on buses, or trains, or at shopping malls? Where does it end?" OMG, I will be scanned when I walk into Wal-Mart and, if I refuse, that kindly retiree in the blue vest will grope my genitals!

With the "viewing with alarm" and political posturing out of the way, New Jersey can address this problem in typical Garden State fashion. The Legislature can require that attractive members of the opposite gender be available for those pat-downs. Sales will boom at NJ malls. Thrill-seeking New Yorkers and Pennsylvanians will flock to the Garden State for shopping. Hey, it already works for out-of-state motorists who don't want to pump their own gasoline.

The Garden State!

New Jersey has been the butt of jokes forever. "You're from Jersey? What exit?" "It smells like New Jersey in here." "I got dis wudder ice down da Showah. Youse gotta problem wid dat?"

It turns out that Jerseyites should be laughing at the rest of pump-your-own-gas America. The Wall Street Journal reported that Asian Americans living in the Garden State live better than any other ethnic group in any other state based on overall health, education, and income. "New Jersey Asian Americans live, on average, an astonishing 26 years longer, are 11 times more likely to have a graduate degree, and earn $35K more annually than South Dakota Native Americans."

Now, there's an argument for the Ramapo Indians to require documentation for "suspicious-looking" immigrants invading their Jersey homeland.

Latinos also fared best in the Garden State, living longer and making $7 K more annually then their brethren in Alabama which ranked lowest. Apparently, Asian-Americans and Latinos get the hang of traffic circles and "jug handles" a lot quicker than other ethnic groups.

Washington, DC gets highest grades for white folk while West Virginia brings up the rear. "Almost Heaven?", "Wild and Wonderful?" Perhaps not.

African-Americans prosper in Maryland and do worst in Louisiana. Thank you very much, Katrina and now British Petroleum.

Maybe all those negative jokes are subterfuge and New Jersey actually is the best place to live in these United States. I never really enjoyed pumping my own gas anyway.