Conservative commentators reject extension of long-term unemployment benefits on the basis that "There are jobs out there. You just have to relocate and accept a temporary position at lower wages." And who wouldn't uproot their family for a temp job at minimum wage and no benefits?
Actually, migrant workers and illegal aliens do exactly that. Replacing migrants and illegals in our lettuce fields with unemployed "real" Americans solves the Immigration Problem and keeps the Unemployment Compensation System solvent in one fell swoop. I'm surprised Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity haven't recommended it.
For those of us beyond our lettuce picking years, I submit a modest proposal fully in tune with the great spirit of American entrepreneurship that made this country great - Start your very own NCAA Division 1 basketball team. The NCAA's new TV contract is worth $10.3 billion over 14 years. There are currently 300 or so NCAA Division 1 basketball teams. Assuming that each draws an equal share of the TV revenues, that's roughly $2 million per team per year. Granted, your team will have to pay a coach, award scholarships to players, and find a place to play, but that has got to leave you $1 million per year free and clear.
Try clearing $1 million per year selling Avon or Amway. NCAA Division 1 basketball is the way to go!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
TheTwilight Election
The "Twilight" phenomenon has proven to be a bonanza for bookstores, movie theaters, and even Burger King. Now, politicians are climbing on the bandwagon.
The Pittsburgh area branch of Organizing for America descended on the long lines outside cineplexes showing the movie with voter registration materials. Nearly 300 eligible voters registered. There was no word on whether the new voters were predominantly vampire-loving members of Team Edward ("He's had 100 years to learn to love.") or werewolf fans from Team Jacob ("You can pet him.") It could have an effect on the upcoming Pennsylvania governor's race. Should Tom Corbett get even more pale and purchase those funky yellowish contact lenses to appeal to Team Edward fans? Should Dan Onerato appear bare-chested at campaign stops to energize the Team Jacob base?
This is the danger of universal suffrage. Candidates must appeal to all potential voters, even 18 year old girls pining for a "love that cannot be". This can lead to problematical questions from the floor during town meetings:
"Mr Corbett, how do you stand on table gaming in PA casinos, and, more important, as Attorney General, is Bella's promise to the Volturi to become a vampire legally binding?"
"Mr Onerato, as governor, would you support imposition of tolls on I-80 as a means to replenish the Highway Fund and, more important, would you promise not to criminally pursue the Cullen family since they limit themselves to animal blood?
The Pittsburgh area branch of Organizing for America descended on the long lines outside cineplexes showing the movie with voter registration materials. Nearly 300 eligible voters registered. There was no word on whether the new voters were predominantly vampire-loving members of Team Edward ("He's had 100 years to learn to love.") or werewolf fans from Team Jacob ("You can pet him.") It could have an effect on the upcoming Pennsylvania governor's race. Should Tom Corbett get even more pale and purchase those funky yellowish contact lenses to appeal to Team Edward fans? Should Dan Onerato appear bare-chested at campaign stops to energize the Team Jacob base?
This is the danger of universal suffrage. Candidates must appeal to all potential voters, even 18 year old girls pining for a "love that cannot be". This can lead to problematical questions from the floor during town meetings:
"Mr Corbett, how do you stand on table gaming in PA casinos, and, more important, as Attorney General, is Bella's promise to the Volturi to become a vampire legally binding?"
"Mr Onerato, as governor, would you support imposition of tolls on I-80 as a means to replenish the Highway Fund and, more important, would you promise not to criminally pursue the Cullen family since they limit themselves to animal blood?
Friday, July 9, 2010
What Really Happened
News Item - "Lindsay Lohan sported a colorful manicure in court Tuesday that included obscene messages on each of her middle fingers. Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab by the judge. Lohan's lawyer later resigned from the case."
What really happened? Here's one scenario:
Lawyer: "Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Telling the judge to @#%^ off with your fingernails may not be the best way to get a lighter sentence."
LL: "But that alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet that she made me wear made me look like I had "cankles". Plus, it didn't come in designer colors."
Lawyer: "The judge was already pissed at you for traipsing off to Cannes instead of attending a mandatory hearing here in L.A."
LL: "Hey, I would have made it back for the hearing, but the dog really did eat my passport."
Lawyer: "The dog ate my (fill in the blank) excuse stops working by the 6th grade, Lindsay. Come on, what's the real reason for this self-destructive behavior? It's not like you married Kevin Federline, dropped two kids in rapid succession, and shaved your head. Are you trying to out-Britney Britney? Even after all that, her career is back on track."
LL: "You figured it out! This whole deal is part of a plan to get my career back to the top. What makes a successful movie in the summer of 2010? It's got to be a sequel. Twilight 2, Toy Story 3, and Shrek 3 are hauling in millions. How about "Mean Girls 2 - Ninety Days in the Hole"? I reprise my best-known role, but in a prison instead of a suburban high school. Initially rejected by the "cool" convict clique, I exploit their insecurities, cause them to accept me, catch the eye of the warden's hunky son, and go to the 'Jailhouse Rock'-themed Prom with him. We're thinking of Robert Pattinson for the role."
Lawyer: "Lindsay, I've visited clients in prison. It's not exactly a suburban high school."
LL: "That's why I flitted off to Cannes and did my nails this way! I have to go to prison to see what it's really like. All those drugs and alcohol were getting old anyway. By the way, now that you know my secret, I have to fire you. This way, if you reveal my true reason for going to prison, I can claim that it's all sour grapes."
What really happened? Here's one scenario:
Lawyer: "Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Telling the judge to @#%^ off with your fingernails may not be the best way to get a lighter sentence."
LL: "But that alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet that she made me wear made me look like I had "cankles". Plus, it didn't come in designer colors."
Lawyer: "The judge was already pissed at you for traipsing off to Cannes instead of attending a mandatory hearing here in L.A."
LL: "Hey, I would have made it back for the hearing, but the dog really did eat my passport."
Lawyer: "The dog ate my (fill in the blank) excuse stops working by the 6th grade, Lindsay. Come on, what's the real reason for this self-destructive behavior? It's not like you married Kevin Federline, dropped two kids in rapid succession, and shaved your head. Are you trying to out-Britney Britney? Even after all that, her career is back on track."
LL: "You figured it out! This whole deal is part of a plan to get my career back to the top. What makes a successful movie in the summer of 2010? It's got to be a sequel. Twilight 2, Toy Story 3, and Shrek 3 are hauling in millions. How about "Mean Girls 2 - Ninety Days in the Hole"? I reprise my best-known role, but in a prison instead of a suburban high school. Initially rejected by the "cool" convict clique, I exploit their insecurities, cause them to accept me, catch the eye of the warden's hunky son, and go to the 'Jailhouse Rock'-themed Prom with him. We're thinking of Robert Pattinson for the role."
Lawyer: "Lindsay, I've visited clients in prison. It's not exactly a suburban high school."
LL: "That's why I flitted off to Cannes and did my nails this way! I have to go to prison to see what it's really like. All those drugs and alcohol were getting old anyway. By the way, now that you know my secret, I have to fire you. This way, if you reveal my true reason for going to prison, I can claim that it's all sour grapes."
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Lady GaGa for President
The foolishness of Our Founding Fathers is proven by, of all people, Lady GaGa.
Building the hype for the diva's upcoming appearance on the Today Show, Meredith Veiera informed us this morning that Lady Gaga is now #1 in Facebook "friends" having passed the former #1, some guy named Barack Obama. The American public would rather keep up with the comings and goings of a 24 year old "music and fashion icon" rather than the guy with the power to invade a country on the other side of the world based on a false pretext (not that that would ever happen).
The framers of the Constitution saw this coming. Rather than entrust the choice of the President to direct election by the people (I'm not sure what the equivalent of Lady Gaga fans was back in 1787, but they'd probably have picked some fife player in an exotic outfit over George Washington), they established the Electoral College, a sane and sober crew who'd choose the best landholding, wealthy white guy they could find for the highest office in the land.
Frankly, the Electoral College is not democratic. Modern technology allows us to choose our American Idol by popular vote. We should be able to follow Ryan Seacrest's instructions and text our choice for American President the same way! In fact, we should have Presidential Tryouts open to the public at sites across this great land of ours with hilarious videotaped outtakes. The Finalists could then give speeches and show their snappiest salute upon exiting Air Force One before Simon and the rest of the panel. They could be "mentored" by former Presidents. Imagine the tension as the Finalists are whittled down to the Final 3.
The "American Idol" process gave us Carrie Underwood. The Electoral College gave us Warren G. Harding. Which is better?
Of course, if the "American Idol" process were in place today, Lady GaGa would be President.
Building the hype for the diva's upcoming appearance on the Today Show, Meredith Veiera informed us this morning that Lady Gaga is now #1 in Facebook "friends" having passed the former #1, some guy named Barack Obama. The American public would rather keep up with the comings and goings of a 24 year old "music and fashion icon" rather than the guy with the power to invade a country on the other side of the world based on a false pretext (not that that would ever happen).
The framers of the Constitution saw this coming. Rather than entrust the choice of the President to direct election by the people (I'm not sure what the equivalent of Lady Gaga fans was back in 1787, but they'd probably have picked some fife player in an exotic outfit over George Washington), they established the Electoral College, a sane and sober crew who'd choose the best landholding, wealthy white guy they could find for the highest office in the land.
Frankly, the Electoral College is not democratic. Modern technology allows us to choose our American Idol by popular vote. We should be able to follow Ryan Seacrest's instructions and text our choice for American President the same way! In fact, we should have Presidential Tryouts open to the public at sites across this great land of ours with hilarious videotaped outtakes. The Finalists could then give speeches and show their snappiest salute upon exiting Air Force One before Simon and the rest of the panel. They could be "mentored" by former Presidents. Imagine the tension as the Finalists are whittled down to the Final 3.
The "American Idol" process gave us Carrie Underwood. The Electoral College gave us Warren G. Harding. Which is better?
Of course, if the "American Idol" process were in place today, Lady GaGa would be President.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Steel Cage Death Match
Summer sizzles in Bethlehem, PA. Philadelphia Eagles Training Camp draws thousands each day. Musik (with a k) Fest brings more than 500,000 visitors over its two week run. The Sands Casino regularly sets patronage and wagering records.
Now there is a "new for 2010" reason to visit the Christmas City. Pro wrestling's "WWE Smackdown Tour" is coming to Stabler Arena on 28 August. Why stand under the broiling sun at Eagles Camp watching 300 pound men beat on each other, when you can see the same action seated in air conditioned comfort at Stabler? (And some of the wrestlers wear cool masks). Why bake under a tent at Musik (with a k) Fest watching tattooed local amateurs do the Chicken Dance when you can witness superior choreography performed by tattooed professionals in tights? Why grapple with fellow gamblers for access to the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machine when you can trample fellow patrons in Section 101 to retrieve a wristband tossed into the crowd by WWE Superstar John Cena?
Best of all, the 28 August Smackdown features a Steel Cage Death Match between "The World's Largest Athlete", 7'2" tall, 500 lb The Big Show and "The All-American American" Jack Swagger with Special Guest Referee Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Only one man will leave the Steel Cage! The match must end in pin, fall, or submission (or possibly dismemberment). Try duplicating that excitement at a pre-season football camp, a music festival, or a casino!
Sorry to steal your thunder, Eagles, Fest and Sands. If I'm going to Bethlehem this summer, it is for the 'rasslin'.
Now there is a "new for 2010" reason to visit the Christmas City. Pro wrestling's "WWE Smackdown Tour" is coming to Stabler Arena on 28 August. Why stand under the broiling sun at Eagles Camp watching 300 pound men beat on each other, when you can see the same action seated in air conditioned comfort at Stabler? (And some of the wrestlers wear cool masks). Why bake under a tent at Musik (with a k) Fest watching tattooed local amateurs do the Chicken Dance when you can witness superior choreography performed by tattooed professionals in tights? Why grapple with fellow gamblers for access to the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machine when you can trample fellow patrons in Section 101 to retrieve a wristband tossed into the crowd by WWE Superstar John Cena?
Best of all, the 28 August Smackdown features a Steel Cage Death Match between "The World's Largest Athlete", 7'2" tall, 500 lb The Big Show and "The All-American American" Jack Swagger with Special Guest Referee Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Only one man will leave the Steel Cage! The match must end in pin, fall, or submission (or possibly dismemberment). Try duplicating that excitement at a pre-season football camp, a music festival, or a casino!
Sorry to steal your thunder, Eagles, Fest and Sands. If I'm going to Bethlehem this summer, it is for the 'rasslin'.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Hoagie Defense
Is the Twinkie Defense about to be extended to the Hoagie Defense? Public Defenders nationwide await the outcome.
A man left a Bethlehem bar recently and encountered two men who demanded money. When he refused, they beat him with a tree branch (When tree branches are criminalized, only criminals will have tree branches!) and stole his wallet. The perpetrators were apprehended after they used the victim's credit card to purchase two hoagies and a pack of cigarettes.
One imagines the scene at the Pubic Defenders' Office:
"You've got a tough one here, Perry Mason. Those two had tree bark under their fingernails and the scent of a $5 Foot-Long on their breath. The D.A. thinks he has an open and shut case."
"Not so fast, John Grisham. Remember the famed Twinkie Defense where the malefactor claimed that he committed the crime because he was hopped up on that golden sponge cake with creamy marshmallow filling? The sugar rush made him do it?"
"Sure. Perry. The Twinkie Defense along with the "If the glove won't fit, you can't convict" trick are taught on the first day of Shyster 101 in Law School."
"I'm going for the Hoagie Defense. I'll wait until just before lunch and start whistling that irritating Subway jingle. I'll bring in Defense Exhibit #1, several $5 foot longs.
"Mister Shop Owner, which of these delicious creations did my clients purchase? (At this point, I cleverly waft the aroma of that parmesan / oregano fresh-baked roll filled with chicken teriyaki and all those great toppings toward the jury box.) Was it this piping hot meatball marinara hoagie smothered in melted mozzarella, Mister Shop Owner? Could it have been this moist Italian BMT drenched in extra virgin olive oil? I'll place these delicious hoagies next to the jury box so they can get a good look at them. What a coincidence! I have one fresh and tasty sub for each of the twelve members of the jury. Oh, too bad! It's 30 minutes until lunch time. If this jury doesn't declare my clients innocent really quickly, these sandwiches will become a cold and soggy mess..."
"Brilliant, Perry! You're sure to get an immediate acquittal especially in the Lehigh Valley. Nothing can stand between a Bethlehemite and his junk food. Those guys eat deep-fried Oreos at Musik (with a k) fest.
A man left a Bethlehem bar recently and encountered two men who demanded money. When he refused, they beat him with a tree branch (When tree branches are criminalized, only criminals will have tree branches!) and stole his wallet. The perpetrators were apprehended after they used the victim's credit card to purchase two hoagies and a pack of cigarettes.
One imagines the scene at the Pubic Defenders' Office:
"You've got a tough one here, Perry Mason. Those two had tree bark under their fingernails and the scent of a $5 Foot-Long on their breath. The D.A. thinks he has an open and shut case."
"Not so fast, John Grisham. Remember the famed Twinkie Defense where the malefactor claimed that he committed the crime because he was hopped up on that golden sponge cake with creamy marshmallow filling? The sugar rush made him do it?"
"Sure. Perry. The Twinkie Defense along with the "If the glove won't fit, you can't convict" trick are taught on the first day of Shyster 101 in Law School."
"I'm going for the Hoagie Defense. I'll wait until just before lunch and start whistling that irritating Subway jingle. I'll bring in Defense Exhibit #1, several $5 foot longs.
"Mister Shop Owner, which of these delicious creations did my clients purchase? (At this point, I cleverly waft the aroma of that parmesan / oregano fresh-baked roll filled with chicken teriyaki and all those great toppings toward the jury box.) Was it this piping hot meatball marinara hoagie smothered in melted mozzarella, Mister Shop Owner? Could it have been this moist Italian BMT drenched in extra virgin olive oil? I'll place these delicious hoagies next to the jury box so they can get a good look at them. What a coincidence! I have one fresh and tasty sub for each of the twelve members of the jury. Oh, too bad! It's 30 minutes until lunch time. If this jury doesn't declare my clients innocent really quickly, these sandwiches will become a cold and soggy mess..."
"Brilliant, Perry! You're sure to get an immediate acquittal especially in the Lehigh Valley. Nothing can stand between a Bethlehemite and his junk food. Those guys eat deep-fried Oreos at Musik (with a k) fest.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sweet Mystery of Life
Among life's mysteries is this. In the days of my youth, bodily aches and pains were assuaged by a good night's rest. After a day spent "breaking rocks in the hot sun", I would arise the next morning refreshed and relatively supple. In my twilight years, I awake stiffer and worse for wear than when I went to bed.
The conundrum is that now I feel infinitely better after swimming 1,000 yards than I did before entering the water. Should I forego slumber for aquatics? Should I rely on 40 laps rather than 40 winks to recover after manual labor? Is a 25 yard long water bed the answer?
The conundrum is that now I feel infinitely better after swimming 1,000 yards than I did before entering the water. Should I forego slumber for aquatics? Should I rely on 40 laps rather than 40 winks to recover after manual labor? Is a 25 yard long water bed the answer?
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