What Really Happened

News Item - "Lindsay Lohan sported a colorful manicure in court Tuesday that included obscene messages on each of her middle fingers. Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab by the judge. Lohan's lawyer later resigned from the case."

What really happened? Here's one scenario:

Lawyer: "Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Telling the judge to @#%^ off with your fingernails may not be the best way to get a lighter sentence."

LL: "But that alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet that she made me wear made me look like I had "cankles". Plus, it didn't come in designer colors."

Lawyer: "The judge was already pissed at you for traipsing off to Cannes instead of attending a mandatory hearing here in L.A."

LL: "Hey, I would have made it back for the hearing, but the dog really did eat my passport."

Lawyer: "The dog ate my (fill in the blank) excuse stops working by the 6th grade, Lindsay. Come on, what's the real reason for this self-destructive behavior? It's not like you married Kevin Federline, dropped two kids in rapid succession, and shaved your head. Are you trying to out-Britney Britney? Even after all that, her career is back on track."

LL: "You figured it out! This whole deal is part of a plan to get my career back to the top. What makes a successful movie in the summer of 2010? It's got to be a sequel. Twilight 2, Toy Story 3, and Shrek 3 are hauling in millions. How about "Mean Girls 2 - Ninety Days in the Hole"? I reprise my best-known role, but in a prison instead of a suburban high school. Initially rejected by the "cool" convict clique, I exploit their insecurities, cause them to accept me, catch the eye of the warden's hunky son, and go to the 'Jailhouse Rock'-themed Prom with him. We're thinking of Robert Pattinson for the role."

Lawyer: "Lindsay, I've visited clients in prison. It's not exactly a suburban high school."

LL: "That's why I flitted off to Cannes and did my nails this way! I have to go to prison to see what it's really like. All those drugs and alcohol were getting old anyway. By the way, now that you know my secret, I have to fire you. This way, if you reveal my true reason for going to prison, I can claim that it's all sour grapes."