Elvis vs. Calista

Successful TV infomercials immediately grab your attention. The camera pans to an adorable little old lady. "I had fallen and I couldn't get up. The neighbor's pet boa constrictor eyed my helpless body hungrily and began slithering over the fence. I screamed but no one heard me. Then I remembered my First Alert bracelet. EMTs were there in no time. They shot that pesky snake dead and soon had me speeding away in an ambulance. It's the best $19.99 I ever spent. If you have your credit card ready and call now, First Alert will add a set of Ginsu knives to your order!"

Successful newspaper ads use headlines and photos to grab your attention. "Don't End Up Like Elvis" appeared over a photo of the Las Vegas era "Fat Elvis". Doctor Lars Flotsam (as opposed to his partner Dr Jetsam) of the prestigious Gastroenterological Clinic in Elsinore, Denmark (where the ghosts of murdered Kings and melancholy Princes roam) revealed that, contrary to the urban myth, Elvis Presley did not have a 40 pound colon when he died.

"He had something much worse!" (A 60 pound semi-colon? A 70 pound exclamation point? Punctuation gone wild will get you every time.) "Elvis's colon was packed with old, decayed food particles. It was swollen to three times its normal diameter." Elvis was not alone in suffering from this. Out of 248 autopsies performed by the good Doctor Flotsam, only 28 colons were found to be free from hardened decay. (Bear in mind that these were Danish colons. A lifetime of breakfast pastries and Danish ham dinners might have something to do with it.)

Doctor Flotsam notes that those with plugged colons found their stomachs distended to twice their normal size. Even Elvis's best sequined jump suit couldn't disguise that.

Fortunately for us all, Doctor Flotsam re-discovered an ancient Danish remedy - a seed called Psyllium with plenty of soluble fiber. "It reduces constipation rate from 62% to 19%!" (Imagine a world where 62% of the populace is constipated, cranky, and irritable. Would you want to live in it?). "It reduces abdominal mass from a whopping 42% to just 17%!" (By comparison, Calista Flockhart comes in at 19% abdominal mass. Post Psyllium, she'd be considered a tad overweight.)

The newspaper ad ends with a "Special Opportunity." Readers of the ad can obtain a risk-free supply of this wonder product at a "priority discount price" if they hurry because, of course, "supplies are limited."

It's a tough choice. Do I want to end up a bloated wreck like Elvis or a wraith like Calista? Maybe I should take only half the recommended dosage.