The Hoagie Defense

Is the Twinkie Defense about to be extended to the Hoagie Defense? Public Defenders nationwide await the outcome.

A man left a Bethlehem bar recently and encountered two men who demanded money. When he refused, they beat him with a tree branch (When tree branches are criminalized, only criminals will have tree branches!) and stole his wallet. The perpetrators were apprehended after they used the victim's credit card to purchase two hoagies and a pack of cigarettes.

One imagines the scene at the Pubic Defenders' Office:

"You've got a tough one here, Perry Mason. Those two had tree bark under their fingernails and the scent of a $5 Foot-Long on their breath. The D.A. thinks he has an open and shut case."

"Not so fast, John Grisham. Remember the famed Twinkie Defense where the malefactor claimed that he committed the crime because he was hopped up on that golden sponge cake with creamy marshmallow filling? The sugar rush made him do it?"

"Sure. Perry. The Twinkie Defense along with the "If the glove won't fit, you can't convict" trick are taught on the first day of Shyster 101 in Law School."

"I'm going for the Hoagie Defense. I'll wait until just before lunch and start whistling that irritating Subway jingle. I'll bring in Defense Exhibit #1, several $5 foot longs.

"Mister Shop Owner, which of these delicious creations did my clients purchase? (At this point, I cleverly waft the aroma of that parmesan / oregano fresh-baked roll filled with chicken teriyaki and all those great toppings toward the jury box.) Was it this piping hot meatball marinara hoagie smothered in melted mozzarella, Mister Shop Owner? Could it have been this moist Italian BMT drenched in extra virgin olive oil? I'll place these delicious hoagies next to the jury box so they can get a good look at them. What a coincidence! I have one fresh and tasty sub for each of the twelve members of the jury. Oh, too bad! It's 30 minutes until lunch time. If this jury doesn't declare my clients innocent really quickly, these sandwiches will become a cold and soggy mess..."

"Brilliant, Perry! You're sure to get an immediate acquittal especially in the Lehigh Valley. Nothing can stand between a Bethlehemite and his junk food. Those guys eat deep-fried Oreos at Musik (with a k) fest.