Vampire Briefs

Those Brits! To make up for the BP oil spill, Our Friends Across the Pond have created a new line of men's underwear "inspired by Robert Pattinson", the Twilight Saga's dreamy teen vampire. According to the Manchester Guardian, UK clothier Marks and Spencer "designed the underwear to be worn under the tight, skinny jeans favo(u)red by Mr Pattinson."

But is this the sole selling point for this exciting new product? Just taking a wild stab here, but my guess is that the bulk of Mr Pattinson's fan base is tween girls and they are not major purchases of male underwear.

Let's take another tack. Vampires are immortal. It only makes sense that their briefs and tee shirts should be deathless as well. Jerry Seinfeld once noted that men never throw their underwear away. They continue to wear it until it becomes "tiny little underwear molecules that drift away in the breeze." In fact, I was still wearing the same undergarments that my mother so laboriously sewed name tags onto for Boy Scout Camp when I was in college, and I wasn't alone.

There you have it, men. Buy Robert Pattinson underwear. You will not only impress your tween daughter, but you can respond to your wife's pleas of, "When are you going to scrap that threadbare pair of briefs?" with "These are no ordinary briefs, my dear. They are vampire briefs! Bwah-ha-ha!"