Gateway Crustacean

The descent into a life of crime begins with a simple gateway.


Shoplifting seems innocent enough. "Wal Mart will never miss this pack of gum and they made plenty of money off me in the past." Then the criminal seeks bigger thrills.


So it was for Charles Shumanis of Allentown last week. Charles walked out of a supermarket without paying for $350 worth of lobster. Confronted by store employees, he fled on foot to a nearby restaurant parking lot. He noticed a 79 year old man getting into his car, leaped into the passenger seat, and ordered the victim to drive. The septuagenarian was having none of it. He tried to exit the vehicle. Charles slid behind the wheel, dragged the poor old man 50 feet before he fell off, and led the police on a merry chase. Charles and his lobsters were quickly apprehended though.


In a statement, police noted that "Many people charged with stealing high end food and health products are doing so to sell the products for cash. That money is then used to support a drug habit." There you have it. Marijuana has long been noted as the "gateway drug" leading to crack, cocaine, and heroin abuse. Apparently, lobster is the "gateway crustacean" leading to carjacking, assault, and even more heinous crimes. Is it now time to criminalize lobster possession? Will shady characters approach innocent schoolchildren with a cup of melted butter saying, "You know what goes great with this? Lobster! Have a sample. All the cool kids are doing it." Was this how Charles began his life of crime?


Even the police are not immune to gateway drug corruption. There are well-documented incidents of drugs seized during arrests "disappearing" from police evidence storage. Surely, evidentiary lobster must also be held pending trial of the accused. Imagine the temptation to sneak just a few succulent crustaceans home for that anniversary dinner. "Charles will be convicted for $300 worth of lobster just as easily as for $350 worth, and I forgot to get a gift for the wife."


Enjoy your lobster while you can. Crustacean Prohibition may be just around the corner.