The Day of the Zombie Bambi

For kids, the 1950s were a simpler, but occasionally horrifying time. We walked to school (uphill, both ways!) and crossed busy streets under the sole supervision of 6th graders serving as crossing guards. What motorist wouldn't be intimidated by a 12 year old in a reflective (safety was paramount) white belt and shoulder strap with a hand-held stop sign?

The whole street crossing thing didn't scare me (even as a 1st grader when those mean 5th graders thought it great sport to jostle the littler kids onto busy Pittston Avenue while waiting for the light to change). I was however traumatized by The Day of the Zombie Bambi.

We 5th graders were divided into groups of ten, assigned an adult chaperon, handed bus tokens and directed to to go the Scranton School Administration building in Center City for fluoride treatment. In return for sitting in a dentist's chair and having our teeth swabbed, we got a bus ride and half a day off from school. It was better than Christmas morning.

Our route from the bus stop to the Admin Building took us past the YMCA. In those days, there weren't Holiday Inns at every highway interchange. In fact, the most economical lodging for single guys was the local YMCA. The Village People's immortal song has a historical basis. The week after Thanksgiving, then as now, was deer season in Pennsylvania and the Scranton YMCA was packed with hunters who ventured into the nearby Poconos by day and sampled the temptations of the city by night. The YMCA had no parking so the downtown streets were lined with out-of-state cars. Some of those cars had a dead deer tied to their fenders.

Every group of 5th graders has a clown. Ours was Bobby Greco. Bobby decided to scare the girls in our group by grasping Bambi's head and making scary noises. Bambi responded by gurgling and vomiting on Bobby's pants. The entire group screamed. Frankly, Bobby's pants weren't the only ones accidentally stained at that moment.

Our chaperon calmed us down and pointed out that "those clowns from Jersey didn't field dress that deer" and proved that it was very dead by pummelling it with no effect. "There was still air in its lungs and some juice in its stomach. Don't worry, kids."

The remainder of the trip was uneventful, but, to this day, I swear that Bambi smiled a vengeful smile after vomiting on Bobby's pants.

Investment Advice

What can Justin Bieber do for an encore after conquering the music world, establishing the hair style for a generation, and wriiting an autobiography?

Why, star in a movie, of course! And not just any movie, but a 3-D extravaganza. And not just your average concert movie. Even Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers did that. According to Justin himself, "It's a story of how my family, friends, and fans helped me get here and every day are helping me live an impossible dream." In other words, Justin's movie lacks plot, conflict, tension, and resolution. If you want that stuff in a movie, rent "Citizen Kane".

Tickets go on sale today (just in time for the holidays!) for a special sneak preview of Justin's film on February 9. For a mere $30, the ticket package includes limited edition purple 3-D glasses, a souvenir VIP event lanyard, and an Official Justin Bieber Glow Stick and Bracelet. Imagine the squeals of delight as little Tiffany discovers this under the tree on Christmas morn.

Try to keep Tiff (or bratty little brother Josh) from prematurely activating the glow stick though. In fact, wise parents might consider keeping the entire Justin package in its original wrappings. Over the past decade, the stock market has gone up a whopping 2%. That's not going to cover Josh and Tiff's future tuition at Harvard. The only investments that skyrocketed were gold (up 400%) and celebrity memoribilia (Beatles lunchboxes sell for thousands today).

Come to think about it, Justin Bieber might be the Beatles of the 21st century. Domination of the music world? Check. Hair style progenitors? Check. Movies? Check (and Justin gets an advantage because his is in 3-D). Surely Justin memorabilia will be worth a fortune in a decade or so (and just in time to finance college for Tiff and Josh).

Parents! Withdraw Josh and Tiffany's college fund from the stock market. Invest it in Justin Bieber memorabilia. While Mr Dow and Mr Jones have to send their kids to community college because their investments tanked, your offspring will be traipsing through ivy-covered halls.

Baby Shower Boom-Boom

Like most guys, I've never attended a Baby Shower. Like most guys, I figured that I wasn't missing much. Well, Sarah Palin set me straight. On Sunday's episode of "Sarah Palin's Alaska", the former governor was shattering clay pigeons on a firing range and commented. "I had a Baby Shower right here. That gets those liberals pee-peed off."

Sign me up for your next Baby Shower, Sarah! In the slack time between opening the gifts and pounding down the mimosas, there's nothing I'd like better than firing off the old 12 gauge. What better way to welcome a new Alaskan into the world than in a hail of buckshot.

But seriously folks...As a liberal, I have no problem with Ms Palin or anyone else celebrating a momentous occasion with firearms. What gets me "pee-peed off" is the NRA's intransigence regarding assault weapons and hollow point ammunition. I spent three years in the Army with an M-16. An assault weapon is very good for killing people at short range and nothing else. Hollow point ammo is good for penetrating body armor and nothing else. The NRA asks, "How can we defend our homes without assault weapons and hollow point ammo?" Liberals respond, "What if Sarah's guests bring their own AK-47s to the shower, the "auto" switch gets stuck on the upswing, and hollow point ammo is sprayed over the gift table? It would make a mess."

Sarah, I'm not "pee-peed off" about your firing range Baby Showers and since I'm out of range, your guests could use AK-47s and hollow point ammo for all I care. I just think that we should be a little careful with weapons and ammo that are only good for killing people.

4 AM Blues

4 AM is an ugly hour.

Most of my 4 AM experiences were in the Army. Whether rising for KP duty or to make the last rounds of the sentry posts in Korea, 4 AM, particularly in the winter, is wretched. The warmth of sunrise is still two or three hours away. I felt utterly alone in a cold, dead world. I have avoided 4 AM ever since.

That may all change this year. Target Stores is showing a TV commercial wherein a sprightly young lady does stretches and shopping bag arm curls in eager anticipation of the store's 4 AM opening on Nov 26. Apparently, there will be bargains galore for those who storm Target's doors at an hour when the rest of the world (even our brave military) is blissfully abed.

I'm willing to give 4 AM another shot. My previous experiences with that hour have been miserable but those were in a foul-smelling mess hall or a muddy, barbed wire perimeter. Now, I'll be in a bright, cheerful store jam-packed with merchandise and surrounded by happy (and well-conditioned if the commercial is correct) shoppers.

Still, I wonder if the poor souls tapped by Target for 4 AM duty will be as enthusiastic as the shoppers. In years to come, they may look back on their pre-dawn experience with the same distaste that I do.

Reality Bites (or Spits)

Sports Radio is the preferred advertising medium for all things manly. I heard a commercial this morning for "Brewmasters", a new reality TV show on the Discovery Channel. Not content with showing conventional brewing processes, "Brewmasters" will demonstrate the use of the exotic and incredibly macho items like surfboard shavings and even human saliva in making beer. Move over, "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race". This is true reality TV.

Or is it? The radio commercial noted that human saliva is a critical component in making a particular Peruvian beer and we will just have to tune in to "Brewmasters" to get the full low-down. That sounds almost educational. Gross and disgusting, but educational. Educational doesn't get ratings, though. To get eyeballs on your show, you need competition, and I know just how to inject some life into "Brewmasters".

Back in my college days, a fraternity brother was so cheap that he would spit in his beer before traipsing off to the mens' room for fear that one of us would take a quick, free sip in his absence. Of course, we would respond by adding our own saliva to his and chortling uncontrollably when he came back and drank it down. But that trick only works once and leads to non-fraternal harsh words and possibly fisticuffs. We soon advanced to other bar-available additives like salt, pepper, and pickled egg juice. Alas, those added detectable flavor and led to the same unbrotherly result. A Chemistry major finally settled on the ultimate beer additive - phenolphthalein. It was tasteless and a strong laxative. Our cheap brother learned his lesson, and subsequent beers were one for all and all for one.

"Brewmasters" should do the same. After we see how the beer is made with surfboard shavings or Peruvian saliva, each episode should end with competitors choosing among the genuine exotic brew and conventional beers adulterated with preferably disgusting additives. Shavings from the neighborhood dogs' favorite telephone pole could substitute for surfboard shavings. Non-Peruvian saliva could be used. It will be a TV ratings bonanza.

Back in the 60s, the chairman of the FCC called TV "a vast wasteland". Imagine what he would say about today's Reality TV.

The Prince Who Saved Christmas

The truest measure of parental devotion is to stand in line for hours to purchase that "must have" Christmas gift for your child. How many cases of frostbite and/or the flu resulted from the vigil outside Toys R Us seeking hard-to-get Cabbage Patch Kids or Tickle Me Elmo back in the day? Even the long-forgotten Teddy Ruxpin (a talking caterpillar) was quite the craze back in the 80s though Teddy and his accompanying cassette now gather dust in innumerable attics. "Dad won't be with us on Christmas morning. He's recuperating from hypothermia in the hospital, but he got that Atari for the kids. We'll visit him after this game of Pong is over."

There hasn't been a real "must have" Christmas gift for several years, and we really need one to spark the economy in 2010. Of all people, the British Royal family came through. The morning news shows reported today that replicas of the engagement ring that Prince William gave to Kate Middleton (the same one that Prince Charles gave to Lady Diana) are literally flying off the shelves. The housing market may not lead us out of the current recession, but the jewelry industry has a shot.

Of course, this means that sapphire and diamond rings are now in incredibly short supply. Soon we will see lines of eager shoppers camped out in the cold outside jewelry stores on the rumored availability there of Kate Middleton / Princess Di rings. It will be an arduous and possibly fruitless ordeal, but acquiring that precious ring will make 2010 "the best Christmas ever".

Better yet, what with the bull market for scrap jewelry ("Trade in those old class rings for tons of cold, hard cash!), the Kate/Princess Di ring will not end up in the attic alongside those Cabbage Patch Kids. You will get at least some of your money back when its allure fades.

Thanks for saving Christmas, Prince William!

Viewing With Alarm

A great way for a politician to get on the nightly news and not coincidentally, to make a name for himself is to "view with alarm". It is not necessary to propose a solution. All that is required is to frighten the people.

With the advent of full-body scanners at New Jersey airports, the Garden State Legislature passed a resolution urging Congress to review the program. The resolution claims the scanners are "a gross violation of the fourth amendment right against unreasonable search and seizure" and that they pose a health risk with radiation exposure to pregnant women and small children. Those are reasonable arguments, but reasonable arguments don't get you on Action News or give you a good video clip for your next campaign.

A legislator expanded on the argument. If a passenger declines to go through the scanner, he/she is subject to a pat-down "that involves touching of the genital areas. If this occurred in another setting, someone would be going to jail!" First, the government refuses Grandma her Social Security COLA. Now they are fondling her as she passes through the airport.

Grandma is not the only one in danger. Those scanner images of little Josh and Tiffany before they boarded the plane to Disney World "can be transferred to a server where they could be viewed by many people!" The government is stopping miniature terrorists, but is providing a bonanza for pedophiles.

But I'm not a Grandma, a pregnant woman, or a small child, what do you have to frighten me? "What's to stop them (the government) from doing this kind of thing (full body scanners) on buses, or trains, or at shopping malls? Where does it end?" OMG, I will be scanned when I walk into Wal-Mart and, if I refuse, that kindly retiree in the blue vest will grope my genitals!

With the "viewing with alarm" and political posturing out of the way, New Jersey can address this problem in typical Garden State fashion. The Legislature can require that attractive members of the opposite gender be available for those pat-downs. Sales will boom at NJ malls. Thrill-seeking New Yorkers and Pennsylvanians will flock to the Garden State for shopping. Hey, it already works for out-of-state motorists who don't want to pump their own gasoline.