Reality Bites (or Spits)

Sports Radio is the preferred advertising medium for all things manly. I heard a commercial this morning for "Brewmasters", a new reality TV show on the Discovery Channel. Not content with showing conventional brewing processes, "Brewmasters" will demonstrate the use of the exotic and incredibly macho items like surfboard shavings and even human saliva in making beer. Move over, "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race". This is true reality TV.

Or is it? The radio commercial noted that human saliva is a critical component in making a particular Peruvian beer and we will just have to tune in to "Brewmasters" to get the full low-down. That sounds almost educational. Gross and disgusting, but educational. Educational doesn't get ratings, though. To get eyeballs on your show, you need competition, and I know just how to inject some life into "Brewmasters".

Back in my college days, a fraternity brother was so cheap that he would spit in his beer before traipsing off to the mens' room for fear that one of us would take a quick, free sip in his absence. Of course, we would respond by adding our own saliva to his and chortling uncontrollably when he came back and drank it down. But that trick only works once and leads to non-fraternal harsh words and possibly fisticuffs. We soon advanced to other bar-available additives like salt, pepper, and pickled egg juice. Alas, those added detectable flavor and led to the same unbrotherly result. A Chemistry major finally settled on the ultimate beer additive - phenolphthalein. It was tasteless and a strong laxative. Our cheap brother learned his lesson, and subsequent beers were one for all and all for one.

"Brewmasters" should do the same. After we see how the beer is made with surfboard shavings or Peruvian saliva, each episode should end with competitors choosing among the genuine exotic brew and conventional beers adulterated with preferably disgusting additives. Shavings from the neighborhood dogs' favorite telephone pole could substitute for surfboard shavings. Non-Peruvian saliva could be used. It will be a TV ratings bonanza.

Back in the 60s, the chairman of the FCC called TV "a vast wasteland". Imagine what he would say about today's Reality TV.