Adding Insult to Injury

The TV commercials would lead us to believe that the biggest problem for revelers aboard a modern cruise ship is working off the calories from its endless buffet meals in its health spas, wave pools, climbing walls, and dance floors.

The 4,500 passengers aboard the Carnival Splendor are having a different experience. An engine fire knocked out the ship's power. According to reports, mealtime requires a two-hour wait for cold food. US Navy helicopters have flown in "Spam, Pop Tarts, canned crab meat, and other goods" to the famished passengers.

Isn't this adding insult to injury? How can one properly enjoy a soothing hot rock massage after a breakfast of Pop Tarts? Does a slice of cold Spam provide the energy to tackle that wave pool or to ascend that climbing wall? Who can do the Chicken Dance while digesting canned crab?

It's all a plot by the Navy. Their ships don't have casinos, jogging tracks, and stateroom balconies overlooking the sea. Clearly, sailor morale plummets when those poor swabbies look up from their harsh duties at sea to see civilian cruise ship passengers doing the Macarena and frolicking in the wave pool. Now the Navy can say to its sailors, "You may not get daily facials at the spa or be able to drive golf balls off the afterdeck, but we are sticking those civilians with Spam, Pop Tarts, and cold crabmeat while you get hot chow!"

Anchors aweigh.