Myths Debunked

I now feel qualified to debunk a trio of childhood myths. If one achieves adulthood at thirteen (Jewish kids get a great party and an end to those Hebrew lessons. Christian kids get their own offering envelopes. Big whoop.), eighteen (Pennsylvania kids get an unrestricted driver's license and a draft card), or twenty-one (American kids can burn that fake ID), I have been an official adult now for 50, 45, or 42 years.

Some parental admonitions ("Don't talk to strangers." "Look both ways before crossing." and "Don't wear stripes with plaids") have proven true. Others have not:

"Step on a (sidewalk) crack. Break your mothers back." - My Kindergarten class at James Monroe School tested this one. back in 1952. During recess one day, we all purposely stepped on the biggest crack we could find, then raced home to find our Moms disappointingly hale and hearty. When we reported this to Herbie Schuler, ring leader of the Kindergarten crack-steppers, he confidently stated that the Curse of the Sidewalk Crack takes a while to come into effect. Herbie, it's been 59 years and now I'm the one with the bad back. Why didn't you tell us that the Curse skips a generation?

"If you wear overshoes indoors, you'll go blind." - Back in the day, every kid wore rubber overshoes that slipped over our oh-so-fragile leather shoes in wet weather. Most of the time, you needed no reminder to take them off when you went indoors. The overshoes were either so large that you walked like Bozo the Clown or so small that you walked like a Chinese concubine with bound feet. Just once, in 4th grade, did my overshoes fit perfectly. I forgot that I had them on that day in school and naturally that was the day we had our vision test which I failed and I've been wearing glasses ever since. Coincidence? I immediately removed the overshoes which is probably the only reason why I'm not carrying a white cane and being led around by a service dog today. Several years later, I noted the preponderance of eyeglasses at a family reunion and credited my myopia to genetics instead of properly-fitted overshoes.

"Don't swim for a half-hour after eating. You will cramp up and drown." - This admonition explains why the bottom of pools with snack bars are littered with the decomposing corpses of well-fed children. The beach with its countless Boardwalk food vendors would be even worse except the crabs eat the dead kids. According to our parents, anyway. Trust me on this one, modern youth. This is a parental plot to get you to clean up your lunch mess before you go back in the water. Parents would love to say, "Don't watch TV for a half hour after eating. Your eyes will cramp up and fall out." That way you would have to help with the dishes. But no kid would fall for that one.

Sorry about spilling the beans, fellow parents, but youth must be served.