Bieber Fever Cured

Bieber Fever is about to become a thing of the past.

How can this be when that whole paternity thing was swept under the rug and when scores of pre-teens are camping out at Rockefeller Center in the cold and rain for the Canadian Heartthrob's appearance on tomorrow's "Today Show"? The NYPD can pepper-spray Occupy Wall Street protesters downtown, but they dare not risk the wrath of Bieber fans.

Alas, the very flower of maximum popularity holds the seeds of its own destruction. This morning, the Today Show's Al Roker interviewed a pair of ladies holding a sign declaring "Moms 4 Bieber". "He's so cute. I could just hug him to death."

No self-respecting teen can idolize someone also appreciated by her parents! Look at the history of Teen Idols. Donnie Osmond was the Justin Bieber of the early 80s until his fans' parents jumped on the bandwagon and he hasn't been heard from since. David Cassidy next ascended to the title of Boy Most Likley To Be Pictured On Middle School Trapper-Keepers until Moms across America decided he was "cute". Where has he been for the past thirty years? More recently, the Jonas Brothers were The Boys We Would Most Like To Crash Tiffany's 13th Birthday Sleepover. Then, Mom said, "I'm a fan, too. Those boys are so wholesome." Kevin, Joe, and Nick, we hardly knew ye.

Still, history provides hope for Justin Bieber. When the Beatles threatened to become cross-generational idols and descend into Dave Clark Five or Gerry and the Pacemakers anonymity, they put out "Sgt Pepper". Now perceived by parents as drug-addled, Mahareshi-worshipping wackos instead of cute guys with odd haircuts, they regained their popularity with rebellious youth. The Beatles have probably sold more records in the forty years since they broke up than anyone.

Of course, there is another path. Elvis went from the swivel-hipped, sideburned rebel feared by parents and beloved by teens to those horrible movies and eventually to Vegas headliner. It kept him in blue suede shoes for a lot of years.

Justin, if you want to be relevant in 2041, get grungy, get rebellious or maybe even develop a Vegas Revue. It's not too late.

Justin to the Rescue

PBS and NPR face a dilemma. With funding cuts from the Feds (Thanks, Tea Party!), public TV and radio need even more on-air fund raisers. For those, they need more and better "premiums" to inspire donations "from viewers (and listeners) like you." Tote bags, umbrellas, and CD sets have been done to death. What is a starving public information provider to do?

Look to Justin Bieber, that's what! Justin announced this week that he is getting a haircut and that those precious clippings "would be auctioned off for charity." Here's your chance, PBS. Get a few locks of that fabulous Bieber mane and let the creative juices flow.

"For a $1,000 platinum sponsorship, you get the complete CD set of Big Bird's Greatest Hits, Washington Week In Review broadcast from your living room, and our undying gratitude. But wait, there's more! For a $10,000 super platinum sponsorship, you get all that plus a lock of Justin Bieber's hair with the original dandruff still attached. Your little Tiffany will be the envy of the 5th grade when she brings "a little piece of Justin" in for Show and Tell. And you'll be supporting public broadcasting."

After PBS and NPR go off the governmental dole and are rolling in cash due to Justin's generosity, it's just a matter of time until other worthy entities get into the act. "Blood supplies are critically low in this Holiday season. The American Red Cross requests donors immediately. The first 100 through our doors tomorrow get a lock of Justin Bieber's hair." The line at Red Cross headquarters would resemble that at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Let's not think small. The root cause of PBS's problem is the Federal government's deficit. What if the Feds claim eminent domain, seize Justin Bieber's head, and shave its hair? Is there $1.3 trillion worth of Justin there? With the Federal budget balanced, PBS, NPR, and the Red Cross will get their funding and we will avoid on-air fund raisers. It's a win-win.

The only potential problem is that Justin is Canadian, but we deserve some recompense after putting up with Celine Dion for all these years.

A Shortcut to Fame

They (whoever "they" are) say, "There is no shortcut to success."

American Idol appears to be a shortcut to fame as a recording artist. Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson made it big after stints on "Idol". On the other hand, Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard won the thing and are now performing before Kiwanis meetings in obscure Iowa Holiday Inns. Surviving the slings and arrows of Simon's criticism is no guarantee of success.

For those unwilling to suffer through weeks of uncertainty as an "Idol" contestant, there is a one-shot chance to make a mark in the musical world (and win swell prizes!). Tomorrow, at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philly, The Ultimate Fan Singing Challenge will take place. Singers will perform their favorite Justin Bieber hit and be judged on vocal ability plus "the most "Bieber Fever". (Symptoms include forehead-obscuring hair flops and constant repetition of "Baby, Baby, Baby".)

The Philly Area winner will be entered into a national on-line competition to win a trip for four to the Los Angeles premiere of Justin's biographical movie, "Never Say Never" plus a meet-and-greet with Bieber himself.

OMG! Justin got his start as a You Tube sensation. This is my chance! Millions will vote in the Justin Contest and check out my video. All that stands between me and fame is an intense case of "Bieber Fever".

But how to catch "Bieber Fever"? I can catch Dengue Fever or Yellow Fever by being bitten by the tropical Dengue or Yellow mosquito. Obviously, I can catch "Bieber Fever" by being bitten by someone named Bieber. Justin, himself, is out of the question with his travel schedule and upstanding moral character. (He would never show favoritism by biting one fan to give him an advantage over others). Fortunately, the Lehigh Valley abounds in Biebers. They have their own bus line for Heaven's sake.

All I have to do to get my video before millions and achieve fame is to board a Bieber Bus and ask the driver to bite me. That is a whole lot easier than trying out for American Idol.

There is a shortcut to fame if you're clever enough to find it!

Justin's Retirement Plan

As I understand it, "rap" music began as the anguished cry of the oppressed against "the man". Today, of course, it has evolved into a semi-obscene call for sexual favors. How, then, are we to interpret the mini-rap that recently set the Sports World on its ear.

A bit of background. Possibly resulting from a mid-life crisis, star NFL quarterback Tom Brady abandoned his previously nondescript hair style for the forehead-concealing side sweep favored by much of today's youth. The true progenitor of this hairdo, Justin Bieber, sent a mini-rap in protest:

"Sacked like a sacker (Note the football reference. Justin may be Canadian but he's very cosmopolitan.)
Call up Mr Brady.
Tell him to link his hair
To the guy who sings Baby. (Referring, of course, to Justin himself)"

Perhaps, this was all in fun. Still, when a multi-millionaire teen heartthrob calls out a multi-millionaire athlete, it is news on many fronts, not the least of which are our outmoded copyright and trademark laws. Authors and music composers can copyright their work and demand royalties when others use it. Why can't Justin Bieber copyright his hairdo? Before Justin, only vain, balding men (Yes, I mean you, Donald Trump.) went with the side sweep. Now, it is everywhere, even on the head of an All-Pro quarterback. Doesn't Justin deserve something for his courageous pioneering effort?

The pop culture landscape is littered with the shattered dreams of former teen idols. Hansen is playing at Holiday Inns nowadays. Leif Garrett has been in and out of jail. Ten years from now, the Jonas Brothers will be appearing at a Church of the Nazarene near you. Although it is possible that "Baby" will become a royalty-generating classic like "White Christmas", Justin Bieber's best bet for a steady cash flow in his dotage is not his music, but his copyrighted hair style. As the years go by, male pattern baldness among today's youth will cause them to retain the Justin look and those royalties will just keep on coming. Justin can sit back and count his money.