Justin to the Rescue

PBS and NPR face a dilemma. With funding cuts from the Feds (Thanks, Tea Party!), public TV and radio need even more on-air fund raisers. For those, they need more and better "premiums" to inspire donations "from viewers (and listeners) like you." Tote bags, umbrellas, and CD sets have been done to death. What is a starving public information provider to do?

Look to Justin Bieber, that's what! Justin announced this week that he is getting a haircut and that those precious clippings "would be auctioned off for charity." Here's your chance, PBS. Get a few locks of that fabulous Bieber mane and let the creative juices flow.

"For a $1,000 platinum sponsorship, you get the complete CD set of Big Bird's Greatest Hits, Washington Week In Review broadcast from your living room, and our undying gratitude. But wait, there's more! For a $10,000 super platinum sponsorship, you get all that plus a lock of Justin Bieber's hair with the original dandruff still attached. Your little Tiffany will be the envy of the 5th grade when she brings "a little piece of Justin" in for Show and Tell. And you'll be supporting public broadcasting."

After PBS and NPR go off the governmental dole and are rolling in cash due to Justin's generosity, it's just a matter of time until other worthy entities get into the act. "Blood supplies are critically low in this Holiday season. The American Red Cross requests donors immediately. The first 100 through our doors tomorrow get a lock of Justin Bieber's hair." The line at Red Cross headquarters would resemble that at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Let's not think small. The root cause of PBS's problem is the Federal government's deficit. What if the Feds claim eminent domain, seize Justin Bieber's head, and shave its hair? Is there $1.3 trillion worth of Justin there? With the Federal budget balanced, PBS, NPR, and the Red Cross will get their funding and we will avoid on-air fund raisers. It's a win-win.

The only potential problem is that Justin is Canadian, but we deserve some recompense after putting up with Celine Dion for all these years.