Bieber Fever Cured

Bieber Fever is about to become a thing of the past.

How can this be when that whole paternity thing was swept under the rug and when scores of pre-teens are camping out at Rockefeller Center in the cold and rain for the Canadian Heartthrob's appearance on tomorrow's "Today Show"? The NYPD can pepper-spray Occupy Wall Street protesters downtown, but they dare not risk the wrath of Bieber fans.

Alas, the very flower of maximum popularity holds the seeds of its own destruction. This morning, the Today Show's Al Roker interviewed a pair of ladies holding a sign declaring "Moms 4 Bieber". "He's so cute. I could just hug him to death."

No self-respecting teen can idolize someone also appreciated by her parents! Look at the history of Teen Idols. Donnie Osmond was the Justin Bieber of the early 80s until his fans' parents jumped on the bandwagon and he hasn't been heard from since. David Cassidy next ascended to the title of Boy Most Likley To Be Pictured On Middle School Trapper-Keepers until Moms across America decided he was "cute". Where has he been for the past thirty years? More recently, the Jonas Brothers were The Boys We Would Most Like To Crash Tiffany's 13th Birthday Sleepover. Then, Mom said, "I'm a fan, too. Those boys are so wholesome." Kevin, Joe, and Nick, we hardly knew ye.

Still, history provides hope for Justin Bieber. When the Beatles threatened to become cross-generational idols and descend into Dave Clark Five or Gerry and the Pacemakers anonymity, they put out "Sgt Pepper". Now perceived by parents as drug-addled, Mahareshi-worshipping wackos instead of cute guys with odd haircuts, they regained their popularity with rebellious youth. The Beatles have probably sold more records in the forty years since they broke up than anyone.

Of course, there is another path. Elvis went from the swivel-hipped, sideburned rebel feared by parents and beloved by teens to those horrible movies and eventually to Vegas headliner. It kept him in blue suede shoes for a lot of years.

Justin, if you want to be relevant in 2041, get grungy, get rebellious or maybe even develop a Vegas Revue. It's not too late.