The tragic shooting in Tucson had two curious aftereffects according to yesterday's "USA Today". Gunshops are selling out of "extended magazines" that allow Glock pistols (like the one used by Jared Loughner) to fire extra rounds. Also, Shooting Ranges have been busier than usual. Owners report that "Young people are shooting and seeing how fast they can change clips."
Veterans of the Viet Nam era have one piece of advice to those young people at the shooting range - Duct Tape. If you lined up two M-16 magazines just right and duct taped them together, switching magazines was a cinch. Empty the first magazine in a hail of lead, release, invert, insert the second magazine and resume fire. It would take two seconds tops.
Extended magazine? You don't need no stinkin' extended magazine. A penny's worth of duct tape and you have a double magazine!
That's the problem with psychotic serial killer imitators nowadays. They rely on extended magazines and practice at the shooting range when a penny's worth of duct tape gives better results.
Actually, the problem is that there may very well be psychotic serial killer imitators out there.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Weather Slang
The English language is constantly evolving.
Old words gain new meanings. The 1944 film "In Our Time" accompanied my morning exercise today. As Paul Henried romanced Ida Lupino amidst the splendor of a glamorous dinner club, Ida said, "This place is so gay." A 1944 compliment has become a 2011 insult.
Newly-minted words come from technology (iPhone, Blu-Ray), music (hip-hop), and politics (Obamacare). Even the weatherman is expanding our vocabulary. Our crack meteorologists labeled the two most recent snow storms as a "nor'easter" and a "clipper". To properly announce the imminent arrival of a "nor'easter", the weatherman should dress in New England fisherman rain togs, clench a pipe in his teeth, and say, "Theah's a real nor'easter comin' up the coast. Batten down the hatches." That would add some authenticity to the Accu-Weaher forecast!
Similarly, the weatherman should wear a white smock and brandish barbering tools when forecasting a "clipper". "Our roads will be trimmed with snow by a clipper on its way in from Canada."
Today's forecast features a new piece of weather slang. The storm coming later this week will provide "plowable" snow. "Better grab the seed and hitch up the team, Farmer John. We are getting some plowable snow on the south 40. Let's get those crops planted!" Clearly, this calls for a costume of bib overalls and a straw hat on the weatherman.
Can it be that meteorologists are developing these swell new terms not to increase our vocabulary but to gain higher ratings with costumes and entertainment value? If they dress in cat and dog costumes to forecast a heavy rainstorm, they will have gone too far.
Old words gain new meanings. The 1944 film "In Our Time" accompanied my morning exercise today. As Paul Henried romanced Ida Lupino amidst the splendor of a glamorous dinner club, Ida said, "This place is so gay." A 1944 compliment has become a 2011 insult.
Newly-minted words come from technology (iPhone, Blu-Ray), music (hip-hop), and politics (Obamacare). Even the weatherman is expanding our vocabulary. Our crack meteorologists labeled the two most recent snow storms as a "nor'easter" and a "clipper". To properly announce the imminent arrival of a "nor'easter", the weatherman should dress in New England fisherman rain togs, clench a pipe in his teeth, and say, "Theah's a real nor'easter comin' up the coast. Batten down the hatches." That would add some authenticity to the Accu-Weaher forecast!
Similarly, the weatherman should wear a white smock and brandish barbering tools when forecasting a "clipper". "Our roads will be trimmed with snow by a clipper on its way in from Canada."
Today's forecast features a new piece of weather slang. The storm coming later this week will provide "plowable" snow. "Better grab the seed and hitch up the team, Farmer John. We are getting some plowable snow on the south 40. Let's get those crops planted!" Clearly, this calls for a costume of bib overalls and a straw hat on the weatherman.
Can it be that meteorologists are developing these swell new terms not to increase our vocabulary but to gain higher ratings with costumes and entertainment value? If they dress in cat and dog costumes to forecast a heavy rainstorm, they will have gone too far.
Friday, January 7, 2011
A Shortcut to Fame
They (whoever "they" are) say, "There is no shortcut to success."
American Idol appears to be a shortcut to fame as a recording artist. Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson made it big after stints on "Idol". On the other hand, Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard won the thing and are now performing before Kiwanis meetings in obscure Iowa Holiday Inns. Surviving the slings and arrows of Simon's criticism is no guarantee of success.
For those unwilling to suffer through weeks of uncertainty as an "Idol" contestant, there is a one-shot chance to make a mark in the musical world (and win swell prizes!). Tomorrow, at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philly, The Ultimate Fan Singing Challenge will take place. Singers will perform their favorite Justin Bieber hit and be judged on vocal ability plus "the most "Bieber Fever". (Symptoms include forehead-obscuring hair flops and constant repetition of "Baby, Baby, Baby".)
The Philly Area winner will be entered into a national on-line competition to win a trip for four to the Los Angeles premiere of Justin's biographical movie, "Never Say Never" plus a meet-and-greet with Bieber himself.
OMG! Justin got his start as a You Tube sensation. This is my chance! Millions will vote in the Justin Contest and check out my video. All that stands between me and fame is an intense case of "Bieber Fever".
But how to catch "Bieber Fever"? I can catch Dengue Fever or Yellow Fever by being bitten by the tropical Dengue or Yellow mosquito. Obviously, I can catch "Bieber Fever" by being bitten by someone named Bieber. Justin, himself, is out of the question with his travel schedule and upstanding moral character. (He would never show favoritism by biting one fan to give him an advantage over others). Fortunately, the Lehigh Valley abounds in Biebers. They have their own bus line for Heaven's sake.
All I have to do to get my video before millions and achieve fame is to board a Bieber Bus and ask the driver to bite me. That is a whole lot easier than trying out for American Idol.
There is a shortcut to fame if you're clever enough to find it!
American Idol appears to be a shortcut to fame as a recording artist. Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson made it big after stints on "Idol". On the other hand, Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard won the thing and are now performing before Kiwanis meetings in obscure Iowa Holiday Inns. Surviving the slings and arrows of Simon's criticism is no guarantee of success.
For those unwilling to suffer through weeks of uncertainty as an "Idol" contestant, there is a one-shot chance to make a mark in the musical world (and win swell prizes!). Tomorrow, at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philly, The Ultimate Fan Singing Challenge will take place. Singers will perform their favorite Justin Bieber hit and be judged on vocal ability plus "the most "Bieber Fever". (Symptoms include forehead-obscuring hair flops and constant repetition of "Baby, Baby, Baby".)
The Philly Area winner will be entered into a national on-line competition to win a trip for four to the Los Angeles premiere of Justin's biographical movie, "Never Say Never" plus a meet-and-greet with Bieber himself.
OMG! Justin got his start as a You Tube sensation. This is my chance! Millions will vote in the Justin Contest and check out my video. All that stands between me and fame is an intense case of "Bieber Fever".
But how to catch "Bieber Fever"? I can catch Dengue Fever or Yellow Fever by being bitten by the tropical Dengue or Yellow mosquito. Obviously, I can catch "Bieber Fever" by being bitten by someone named Bieber. Justin, himself, is out of the question with his travel schedule and upstanding moral character. (He would never show favoritism by biting one fan to give him an advantage over others). Fortunately, the Lehigh Valley abounds in Biebers. They have their own bus line for Heaven's sake.
All I have to do to get my video before millions and achieve fame is to board a Bieber Bus and ask the driver to bite me. That is a whole lot easier than trying out for American Idol.
There is a shortcut to fame if you're clever enough to find it!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Golden Age of Bert
Bert Blyleven was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday.
Enjoy this shining moment all you Berts (and Burts) out there. The Golden Age of Berts is over, because there are no new Berts (or Burts) to replace you. Not that long ago, Burt Reynolds was selected "The Sexiest Man Alive". Burt Lancaster was the guy smooching Deborah Kerr awash in the Hawaiian surf in "From Here to Eternity". Bert Parks was singing "There She Is, Miss America" every year. And Bert Blyleven was winning twenty games for the Minnesota Twins. It was a great time to be a Bert.
Then "Sesame Street" came along. No parent would name their child Bert for fear of the inevitable playground taunt of "Hey, Bert, where's Ernie?" Parents feared that their little Bert would grow a unibrow, become a bottle cap collector, and adore pigeons. "Oh sure, there's a chance that my little one will become Movie Star Burt and race across America with Sally Field in tow in "Cannonball Run", but I can't risk his becoming TV Show Bert. All those pigeon droppings and scummy bottle caps would gross me out."
Now there are no Berts (or Burts) under the age of 40.
But is the Golden Age of Bert really over? It isn't Sesame Street Kyle, Josh, or Jared hauling in all those royalties from dolls, books, games, etc. Mock his unibrow, turtleneck, and vertically-striped sweater all you will, American parents. Bert is laughing all the way to the bank!
Enjoy this shining moment all you Berts (and Burts) out there. The Golden Age of Berts is over, because there are no new Berts (or Burts) to replace you. Not that long ago, Burt Reynolds was selected "The Sexiest Man Alive". Burt Lancaster was the guy smooching Deborah Kerr awash in the Hawaiian surf in "From Here to Eternity". Bert Parks was singing "There She Is, Miss America" every year. And Bert Blyleven was winning twenty games for the Minnesota Twins. It was a great time to be a Bert.
Then "Sesame Street" came along. No parent would name their child Bert for fear of the inevitable playground taunt of "Hey, Bert, where's Ernie?" Parents feared that their little Bert would grow a unibrow, become a bottle cap collector, and adore pigeons. "Oh sure, there's a chance that my little one will become Movie Star Burt and race across America with Sally Field in tow in "Cannonball Run", but I can't risk his becoming TV Show Bert. All those pigeon droppings and scummy bottle caps would gross me out."
Now there are no Berts (or Burts) under the age of 40.
But is the Golden Age of Bert really over? It isn't Sesame Street Kyle, Josh, or Jared hauling in all those royalties from dolls, books, games, etc. Mock his unibrow, turtleneck, and vertically-striped sweater all you will, American parents. Bert is laughing all the way to the bank!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Cheese Fries Strategy
Pundits cited the usual reasons for Penn State's defeat in the Outback Bowl last week. The Lions threw five interceptions, one returned for a touchdown. Four other Big Ten teams went down to defeat on the same day. It was practically a home game for the University of Florida being played in Tampa. The Gators were inspired to send their retiring coach out with a victory.
Actually, the Lions' fate was sealed before the game at the Outback Bowl Banquet. Reports noted that the teams consumed 400 pounds of cheese fries at that bacchanal along with 600 pounds of various meats, etc. Imagine the scene at a Florida Gators coaches' meeting before the Banquet:
Coach A - That Penn State team is really good. I can't come up with defensive or offensive schemes that will work against them. How can we slow them down?
Coach B - If we can't beat them with the Wildcat Formation or the Safety Blitz, it's time for The Cheese Fries Strategy.
Coach A - The Cheese Fries Strategy? What in the name of "Bear" Bryant is that?
Coach B - Have you ever known a Pennsylvania kid to pass up anything fried and smothered in Velveeta? Philly kids will eat cheese steaks until they vomit and Pittsburgh kids will consume Primanti's sandwiches until they burst.
Coach A - But Joe Paterno has his players on a strict lean protein diet. He hasn't won 400 games by mistake.
Coach B - Yeah, but we are in control of the pre-game Banquet. We set out a buffet of "healthy" foods at first so the Penn State coaches don't know what is up. Then we move the coaches to a separate room with an open bar. When they are gone, we replace the garden salad with 400 pounds of cheese fries. We don't let our players touch it, so all 400 pounds are there for the 100 or so Penn State gridders. With 4 pounds of cholesterol in their gut, they couldn't beat The Little Sisters of the Poor in the game!
Coach A - That's brilliant! But in the spirit of sportsmanship and being good hosts, we should have EMT personnel on hand with respirators and oxygen. Four pounds of cheese fries would clog Lance Armstrong's arteries.
Did this really happen? Anyone who saw the game wouldn't doubt it.
Actually, the Lions' fate was sealed before the game at the Outback Bowl Banquet. Reports noted that the teams consumed 400 pounds of cheese fries at that bacchanal along with 600 pounds of various meats, etc. Imagine the scene at a Florida Gators coaches' meeting before the Banquet:
Coach A - That Penn State team is really good. I can't come up with defensive or offensive schemes that will work against them. How can we slow them down?
Coach B - If we can't beat them with the Wildcat Formation or the Safety Blitz, it's time for The Cheese Fries Strategy.
Coach A - The Cheese Fries Strategy? What in the name of "Bear" Bryant is that?
Coach B - Have you ever known a Pennsylvania kid to pass up anything fried and smothered in Velveeta? Philly kids will eat cheese steaks until they vomit and Pittsburgh kids will consume Primanti's sandwiches until they burst.
Coach A - But Joe Paterno has his players on a strict lean protein diet. He hasn't won 400 games by mistake.
Coach B - Yeah, but we are in control of the pre-game Banquet. We set out a buffet of "healthy" foods at first so the Penn State coaches don't know what is up. Then we move the coaches to a separate room with an open bar. When they are gone, we replace the garden salad with 400 pounds of cheese fries. We don't let our players touch it, so all 400 pounds are there for the 100 or so Penn State gridders. With 4 pounds of cholesterol in their gut, they couldn't beat The Little Sisters of the Poor in the game!
Coach A - That's brilliant! But in the spirit of sportsmanship and being good hosts, we should have EMT personnel on hand with respirators and oxygen. Four pounds of cheese fries would clog Lance Armstrong's arteries.
Did this really happen? Anyone who saw the game wouldn't doubt it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Heated Rhetoric
The incoming Congress may very well gut Health Care (No Death Panel for Granny!) and reduce Wall Street regulation (Bernie Madoff wasn't really a bad guy), but we can be sure that the Bush tax cuts will remain in place for the wealthiest among us. After all, it's not as if taxing an additional 3% off the $100 billion paid out in Wall Street bonuses this year will make a real dent in the deficit. That $3 billion will no doubt be used by The Rich to create jobs for the rest of us.
Or maybe not. It took all of three minutes for Nieman Marcus to sell all 100 of its limited edition Chevy Camaros priced at $75K just before Christmas. A Manhattan dealership is sold out of $225K Ferraris and another is fresh out of $170K Audi R8s. There is also a shortage of those giant red ribbons that thoughtful gift givers place on the roof of a brand new luxury car before driving it under the Christmas tree.
In a recent column, Kathleen Parker supported extension of tax cuts for high earners by criticizing "the heated rhetoric that stokes class warfare and demonizes the doers who create jobs for others." Few Americans would deny a "doer" like Henry Ford or Thomas Edison all the tax breaks (and $225K Ferraris) he wants if a Ford Motor Company or a General Electric which actually produces something tangible while providing thousands of employment opportunities Unfortunately, the guys getting the tax breaks today (and $170K Audis) are producing nothing tangible other than market manipulation and precious few employment opportunities.
Perhaps a little more "heated rhetoric" would have been advisable. As a side benefit, if "class warfare" resulted in street barricades and a rousing musical score, we would have a modern update of "Les Miserables".
Or maybe not. It took all of three minutes for Nieman Marcus to sell all 100 of its limited edition Chevy Camaros priced at $75K just before Christmas. A Manhattan dealership is sold out of $225K Ferraris and another is fresh out of $170K Audi R8s. There is also a shortage of those giant red ribbons that thoughtful gift givers place on the roof of a brand new luxury car before driving it under the Christmas tree.
In a recent column, Kathleen Parker supported extension of tax cuts for high earners by criticizing "the heated rhetoric that stokes class warfare and demonizes the doers who create jobs for others." Few Americans would deny a "doer" like Henry Ford or Thomas Edison all the tax breaks (and $225K Ferraris) he wants if a Ford Motor Company or a General Electric which actually produces something tangible while providing thousands of employment opportunities Unfortunately, the guys getting the tax breaks today (and $170K Audis) are producing nothing tangible other than market manipulation and precious few employment opportunities.
Perhaps a little more "heated rhetoric" would have been advisable. As a side benefit, if "class warfare" resulted in street barricades and a rousing musical score, we would have a modern update of "Les Miserables".
Monday, January 3, 2011
More Wikileaks
Dave Barry's Year In Review appeared in yesterday's newspaper. As always, I guffawed repeatedly while reading it.
Dave wrote "International tensions continued to mount in December with the release by Wikileaks of classified cables from the State Department which apparently has the same level of data security as an Etch-a-Sketch. The cables reveal a number of embarrassing secrets such as:
The last three rounds of Middle East peace talks have consisted entirely of delegates playing Twister.
The Republics of Tajikistan and Uzbekistan frequently, as a prank, exchange places in the United Nations and no one has ever noticed.
High-ranking officials of Scotland speaking in private admit that they don't understand what in hell they are saying either."
Not that I could ever top Dave Barry, but I would add the following startling revelations from Wikileaks:
The government of Zimbabwe revealed that "Zimbabwe" is not a Swahili term meaning "Land of Freedom", but is derived from the background chorus of a doo-wop song that President Mugabe always liked.
When you suddenly wake a Brit in the middle of the night, they actually speak just like the Beatles sing - in normal unaccented American English. That whole British accent thing is a put-on to make their former colonies feel inferior.
The Republic of Kyrgyzstan is not seeking nuclear armaments from Iran, but vowels.
Though officially titled "Mahatma" meaning "Great Spirit", Gandhi was actually referred to in diplomatic circles as "Bob", a name that he preferred.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a strongly worded statement to Canada as Justin Bieber Mania swept across America. "Hockey, round bacon, all those geese and Celine Dion, we can live with, but unless you Canucks explain the meaning of 'Baby, Baby, Baby', it's war." Conflict was averted when the Canadian Prime Minister explained that he didn't understand what Beiber's hit song meant either.
There really isn't a country named Liechtenstein. Diplomats made it up because it's fun to say.
When I grow up, I want to be as clever a writer as Dave Barry.
Dave wrote "International tensions continued to mount in December with the release by Wikileaks of classified cables from the State Department which apparently has the same level of data security as an Etch-a-Sketch. The cables reveal a number of embarrassing secrets such as:
The last three rounds of Middle East peace talks have consisted entirely of delegates playing Twister.
The Republics of Tajikistan and Uzbekistan frequently, as a prank, exchange places in the United Nations and no one has ever noticed.
High-ranking officials of Scotland speaking in private admit that they don't understand what in hell they are saying either."
Not that I could ever top Dave Barry, but I would add the following startling revelations from Wikileaks:
The government of Zimbabwe revealed that "Zimbabwe" is not a Swahili term meaning "Land of Freedom", but is derived from the background chorus of a doo-wop song that President Mugabe always liked.
When you suddenly wake a Brit in the middle of the night, they actually speak just like the Beatles sing - in normal unaccented American English. That whole British accent thing is a put-on to make their former colonies feel inferior.
The Republic of Kyrgyzstan is not seeking nuclear armaments from Iran, but vowels.
Though officially titled "Mahatma" meaning "Great Spirit", Gandhi was actually referred to in diplomatic circles as "Bob", a name that he preferred.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issued a strongly worded statement to Canada as Justin Bieber Mania swept across America. "Hockey, round bacon, all those geese and Celine Dion, we can live with, but unless you Canucks explain the meaning of 'Baby, Baby, Baby', it's war." Conflict was averted when the Canadian Prime Minister explained that he didn't understand what Beiber's hit song meant either.
There really isn't a country named Liechtenstein. Diplomats made it up because it's fun to say.
When I grow up, I want to be as clever a writer as Dave Barry.
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