The Cheese Fries Strategy

Pundits cited the usual reasons for Penn State's defeat in the Outback Bowl last week. The Lions threw five interceptions, one returned for a touchdown. Four other Big Ten teams went down to defeat on the same day. It was practically a home game for the University of Florida being played in Tampa. The Gators were inspired to send their retiring coach out with a victory.

Actually, the Lions' fate was sealed before the game at the Outback Bowl Banquet. Reports noted that the teams consumed 400 pounds of cheese fries at that bacchanal along with 600 pounds of various meats, etc. Imagine the scene at a Florida Gators coaches' meeting before the Banquet:

Coach A - That Penn State team is really good. I can't come up with defensive or offensive schemes that will work against them. How can we slow them down?

Coach B - If we can't beat them with the Wildcat Formation or the Safety Blitz, it's time for The Cheese Fries Strategy.

Coach A - The Cheese Fries Strategy? What in the name of "Bear" Bryant is that?

Coach B - Have you ever known a Pennsylvania kid to pass up anything fried and smothered in Velveeta? Philly kids will eat cheese steaks until they vomit and Pittsburgh kids will consume Primanti's sandwiches until they burst.

Coach A - But Joe Paterno has his players on a strict lean protein diet. He hasn't won 400 games by mistake.

Coach B - Yeah, but we are in control of the pre-game Banquet. We set out a buffet of "healthy" foods at first so the Penn State coaches don't know what is up. Then we move the coaches to a separate room with an open bar. When they are gone, we replace the garden salad with 400 pounds of cheese fries. We don't let our players touch it, so all 400 pounds are there for the 100 or so Penn State gridders. With 4 pounds of cholesterol in their gut, they couldn't beat The Little Sisters of the Poor in the game!

Coach A - That's brilliant! But in the spirit of sportsmanship and being good hosts, we should have EMT personnel on hand with respirators and oxygen. Four pounds of cheese fries would clog Lance Armstrong's arteries.

Did this really happen? Anyone who saw the game wouldn't doubt it.