Visit Friendly Iran

The side page ads in The New Yorker offer Greek Fisherman's Caps for those into the Zorba look, umbrellas patterned with cats and dogs for those particularly bad rainstorms, and dress shirts with just the right collar spread. Not until a recent issue did a side page ad offer an opportunity for an indefinite prison stay.

"Visit Friendly Iran, Persian History and Culture, April 1 - 16, 2011" was the descriptor under a photo of three smiling girls in hijabs with the phone number and e-mail address for Serious Traveler, Inc. Unless Serious Traveler knows about some thaw in US - Iranian relations between now and April or the trip will be accompanied by the 101st Airborne Division, an American touring Iran nowadays makes about as much sense as Albert Einstein heading to Munich for Oktoberfest in 1938. "What's the worst that could happen? Get arrested, tortured, and tossed into a concentration camp for a few years? It's worth it for all that history and culture!"

There is one foolproof method to safely travel in even the most politically-charged areas of the globe - Be Canadian. Everyone loves Canadians. Canucks have been basking on Cuban beaches and freely importing Havana cigars for fifty years. Canada maintained an embassy in Hanoi at the height of the Viet Nam war. Serious Traveler probably plans to insure tourist safety in Iran by claiming that the entire tour group is straight from Toronto. Of course, this will require some indoctrination prior to departure:

"Seekers of Persian History and Culture, listen up! Here's how to convince even the most Islamic mullah that you are Canadian. Always ask for Tim Horton's and never ask for Dunkin' Donuts. Keep a photo of Justin Bieber or Celine Dion on your person at all times. Arbitrarily insert the letter "u" when spelling words. "Color" becomes "colour" for example. Bow your head reverently when Wayne Gretzky's name is invoked. It is polite, but not necessary, to do the same when Allah is mentioned. Remember these tips and you'll be as Canadian as a hockey puck and be able to travel safely, eh?"