Regis Philbin announced that this will be his final season as co-host of "Live With Regis and Kelly". The search is on for Regis' replacement with Larry King, Conan O'Brien, Howie Mandel, and Kelly's real-life husband leading the list of candidates.
Allow me to throw my hat into the proverbial ring for this "plum" job. I can play the cantankerous, out-of-touch curmudgeon at least as well as Regis has for the past 25 years. I can mispronounce guest names with the best of them. I can change my hair color as often as I change my socks. The only thing I lack is a colorful and unusual moniker. Kelly's standard eye-roll and "Oh, Re-e-e-eg" just won't be as effective with ""Oh, Ed". How about "Live With Percy and Kelly"? She could affectionately call ne "Perse".
Like the guy fleeing from the hungry bear, I don't have to be faster than the bear. I just have to be faster than the other guys that the bear is chasing. I am clearly more camera-friendly than Larry King. The Keeper in "Tales From the Crypt" is less scary on camera than Larry King. Conan O'Brien has wit, youth, and good looks. But those are also Kelly's strong points and she will certainly prefer me to someone who might outshine her. Unlike Howie Mandel, I'm not so germophobic that I'd refuse to shake hands with guests. That's got to be a point in my favor.
Then there's Kelly's real-life husband. Apparently, he is male-model handsome, witty, and urbane. My only hope to sabotage him is to slip into Kelly's house and raise all the toilet seats. Nothing infuriates a woman more than a raised toilet seat. That anger will show during his audition and the job will be mine!
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