Disclaimers are interesting. The classic, of course, is "Seek medical attention if your erection lasts four hours or more" for Cialis. How do you explain that one to your child? "Well, Timmy, those people not wearing shirts and holding hands while sitting in adjacent bathtubs located outdoors for no apparent reason may catch a cold after four hours and need a doctor."
The disclaimer for protein-booster Muscle Milk states, "Contains no milk". Actually, this disclaimer might be a ploy to enter the lactose-intolerant market. "Tired of being picked on by those milk-swigging bullies in the cafeteria? Get on the Muscle Milk regimen. You'll be a Schwarzenegger in no time and free of gastric distress in the bargain."
Then there is the print advertisement lauding Panama as a tourist destination. To allay fears of disease while in-country, Panama offers free 30-day medical insurance to visitors. Clever tourists might take advantage of this. "My rheumatism is acting up again, Clara, and our HMO doesn't cover it anymore. Let's go to Panama. I'll get treatment and you can frolic in the Canal."
"Wait a minute. Here's a disclaimer. (The medical insurance) doesn't cover injuries as a result of foreign enemy invasion (war being declared or not), civil war, revolution, rebellion, insurrection, or other incidents or offenses against the country's internal security. In other words, come to Panama to relax and to get healthy unless there's a revolution in which case, you are out of luck. Darned lawyers and their disclaimers."
Muscle Milk's disclaimer probably will increase their business. Panama's will likely scare people away. Cialis's is just odd.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Secret Santa
I dreaded the Secret Santa Gift Exchange back in my working days. Invariably, I received a gift I had no use for but would have to display at least through January. "Oh wow! A paper weight with a jolly winter scene inside! Thanks a lot."
Secret Santa visited the Department of Homeland Security last week bearing three new surveillance drones. The problem is that DHS doesn't have operators or satellite band width for the seven drones that they already possess. In fact, the existing drones can only fly five days per week, so if you're planning to smuggle drugs or enter the country illegally, you really want to do it on weekends. Car rental and border hotel rates are cheaper then, too.
An anonymous Homeland Security official stated, "We didn't ask for these drones." How, then, in this time of burgeoning Federal deficits and threats to shut down the government if the debt ceiling is not raised. did DHS receive $32 million worth of aircraft that they can't operate anyway? Was $32 million the Secret Santa Gift Limit between Washington departments this year? "Darn, I drew Justice in Secret Santa, where can I find $32 million worth of gavels? Those things never wear out, but our judges will need them eventually, won't they?"
Actually, Homeland Security's Secret Santa is the Congressional Unmanned Systems Caucus. These fifty congressmen all have drone manufacturers or suppliers in their districts and those manufacturers expect some return for their $1.6 million in campaign contributions. Apparently, the $240 million spent for drones since 2005 isn't enough.
Homeland Security can always do what I did with my unwanted Secret Santa gifts. Hide them away for a few years and re-gift them. I can imagine the scene at the Department of Agriculture just before Christmas, 2015. "Oh wow! Three surveillance drones! Thanks so much, Homeland Security. We can use them as tiny, tiny grain silos until we figure out how to operate them."
Secret Santa visited the Department of Homeland Security last week bearing three new surveillance drones. The problem is that DHS doesn't have operators or satellite band width for the seven drones that they already possess. In fact, the existing drones can only fly five days per week, so if you're planning to smuggle drugs or enter the country illegally, you really want to do it on weekends. Car rental and border hotel rates are cheaper then, too.
An anonymous Homeland Security official stated, "We didn't ask for these drones." How, then, in this time of burgeoning Federal deficits and threats to shut down the government if the debt ceiling is not raised. did DHS receive $32 million worth of aircraft that they can't operate anyway? Was $32 million the Secret Santa Gift Limit between Washington departments this year? "Darn, I drew Justice in Secret Santa, where can I find $32 million worth of gavels? Those things never wear out, but our judges will need them eventually, won't they?"
Actually, Homeland Security's Secret Santa is the Congressional Unmanned Systems Caucus. These fifty congressmen all have drone manufacturers or suppliers in their districts and those manufacturers expect some return for their $1.6 million in campaign contributions. Apparently, the $240 million spent for drones since 2005 isn't enough.
Homeland Security can always do what I did with my unwanted Secret Santa gifts. Hide them away for a few years and re-gift them. I can imagine the scene at the Department of Agriculture just before Christmas, 2015. "Oh wow! Three surveillance drones! Thanks so much, Homeland Security. We can use them as tiny, tiny grain silos until we figure out how to operate them."
Monday, November 7, 2011
Brown Shoe Army Blues
7-Eleven is saying thanks this Veteran's Day with free Slurpees. Active duty, retired, and veteran GIs with proof of service get a frosty treat at no charge. In fact, Slurpee trailers will visit US military bases across the country this week. "All right, Private. You will consume that Slurpee by the numbers. 1 - Insert straw; 2 - Suck deep; 3 - Freeze that pea brain of yours."
From time immemorial, veteran soldiers have informed recruits that the Army was much tougher back in the day. Those of us who served in the 60s constantly heard about "the brown shoe Army" of the 40s. "You think that crawling through mud under barbed wire with live machine gun fire over your head is tough? In the brown shoe Army, that mud had hungry alligators in it." "You complain about running a mile in combat boots with your weapon held over your head? In the brown shoe Army, you ran that mile barefoot over broken glass holding a cinder block in each hand."
Actually, today's Army does seem like a kinder, gentler organization than I remember. Drill Instructors are no longer allowed to physically or verbally abuse recruits. In my first day of Basic Training, I stopped counting after 300 push-ups assessed for such infractions as "not standing close enough to my razor" and a loose thread on a buttonhole. Verbal abuse was actually educational. I never knew that four letter words could be strung together like that.
The Army has abolished KP. Recruits no longer rise at 0330 hrs and spend 18 hours washing and scrubbing the mess hall and its appurtenances with scalding hot water and bleach. To this day, my fingers are wrinkled and ghostly white.
And now, thanks to 7-Eleven, soldiers can sidle up to the Slurpee Mobile after a tough day for a frosty treat. Our brave lads (and lasses) in uniform deserve it, but back in my day, we didn't have anything like that. We drank warm tap water with salt tablets and were happy to have it.
Brown shoe Army guys, I know what you meant. They have it too easy nowadays.
From time immemorial, veteran soldiers have informed recruits that the Army was much tougher back in the day. Those of us who served in the 60s constantly heard about "the brown shoe Army" of the 40s. "You think that crawling through mud under barbed wire with live machine gun fire over your head is tough? In the brown shoe Army, that mud had hungry alligators in it." "You complain about running a mile in combat boots with your weapon held over your head? In the brown shoe Army, you ran that mile barefoot over broken glass holding a cinder block in each hand."
Actually, today's Army does seem like a kinder, gentler organization than I remember. Drill Instructors are no longer allowed to physically or verbally abuse recruits. In my first day of Basic Training, I stopped counting after 300 push-ups assessed for such infractions as "not standing close enough to my razor" and a loose thread on a buttonhole. Verbal abuse was actually educational. I never knew that four letter words could be strung together like that.
The Army has abolished KP. Recruits no longer rise at 0330 hrs and spend 18 hours washing and scrubbing the mess hall and its appurtenances with scalding hot water and bleach. To this day, my fingers are wrinkled and ghostly white.
And now, thanks to 7-Eleven, soldiers can sidle up to the Slurpee Mobile after a tough day for a frosty treat. Our brave lads (and lasses) in uniform deserve it, but back in my day, we didn't have anything like that. We drank warm tap water with salt tablets and were happy to have it.
Brown shoe Army guys, I know what you meant. They have it too easy nowadays.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Bang for the Buck
The debate rages on regarding tax rates. From the left, we hear, "The wealthiest 1% has a lower tax rate now than at any time in history." "Warren Buffet's secretary pays more to the IRS than he does." "General Electric paid zero taxes last year." From the right, we hear, "This is class warfare." "Increased tax rates will stifle job creation." "Higher taxes will limit the genius of a Steve Jobs or a Bill Gates and all the ensuing economic progress." "A 9-9-9 Plan or a 20% flat tax will solve all our problems."
But what does all this sound and fury mean to the common American? I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my father back in 1964. I had just learned how to fill out a Federal Income Tax form in Problems of Democracy class at school. The family Form 1040 that year showed that we owed the IRS a few bucks (and that on a whopping income of less than $5,000). When I gave my Dad the bad news, he said, "We will pay it because we have to. It is too bad, though. My tax dollars help to build an aircraft carrier or buy a bomb that will keep those Russkies on their side of the ocean and you know what? If Khruschev was in the White House, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to me. I'd still be spending ten hours a day loading and unloading sides of beef. Maybe my boss would be speaking Russian, but that's it."
Putting it in the simplest of terms, who gets more bang for his tax buck - the common man or the wealthiest 1%? Who benefits more when we spend $1 trillion to "stabilize" Iraq - the guy loading sides of beef or the executives at Exxon? Who loses more money if billions of tax dollars do not rescue those banks that are "too big to fail" - the guy living from paycheck to paycheck or the bankers who will miss out on their bonuses? Who gets richer when the government builds a "bridge to nowhere" in Alaska - the Walmart greeter in Cleveland whose tax dollars paid for it or the contractors whose political donations made it happen?
Fox News repeatedly informs us that 50% of taxpayers pay no tax at all (and a lot of them have cable TV and dishwashers!). Maybe that is at it should be. Updating my Dad's argument, if the Chinese call in their IOUs and take over, Dick Cheney and his Halliburton buddies have a lot more to lose than I do. Maybe they should pay to maintain the status quo.
But what does all this sound and fury mean to the common American? I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my father back in 1964. I had just learned how to fill out a Federal Income Tax form in Problems of Democracy class at school. The family Form 1040 that year showed that we owed the IRS a few bucks (and that on a whopping income of less than $5,000). When I gave my Dad the bad news, he said, "We will pay it because we have to. It is too bad, though. My tax dollars help to build an aircraft carrier or buy a bomb that will keep those Russkies on their side of the ocean and you know what? If Khruschev was in the White House, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to me. I'd still be spending ten hours a day loading and unloading sides of beef. Maybe my boss would be speaking Russian, but that's it."
Putting it in the simplest of terms, who gets more bang for his tax buck - the common man or the wealthiest 1%? Who benefits more when we spend $1 trillion to "stabilize" Iraq - the guy loading sides of beef or the executives at Exxon? Who loses more money if billions of tax dollars do not rescue those banks that are "too big to fail" - the guy living from paycheck to paycheck or the bankers who will miss out on their bonuses? Who gets richer when the government builds a "bridge to nowhere" in Alaska - the Walmart greeter in Cleveland whose tax dollars paid for it or the contractors whose political donations made it happen?
Fox News repeatedly informs us that 50% of taxpayers pay no tax at all (and a lot of them have cable TV and dishwashers!). Maybe that is at it should be. Updating my Dad's argument, if the Chinese call in their IOUs and take over, Dick Cheney and his Halliburton buddies have a lot more to lose than I do. Maybe they should pay to maintain the status quo.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Bladder's Revenge
During my working life, November was the cruelest month. Mornings involved crawling from a warm bed to a chilly bathroom, hopping into a shower that ranged from cold to hot in a heartbeat and the dreaded scraping frost from the windshield. Still, the worst part was waking up when it was still dark outside. The birds aren't even up yet, why should I be? When I'm retired, I will sleep until dawn at least. My diurnal clock insists on it.
Now I'm retired and guess what? I'm still fumbling around in the pre-dawn November darkness. Oh, I don't want to and I don't have to, but my aged lower back has other ideas. "There's no comfortable position for you in this nice warm bed. I will ache until you must arise and walk off the stiffness. By then, you will be properly chilled and totally awake. Bwahh-Ha-Ha!"
Then my bladder chimes in, "Even if you go back to bed just to warm up, I will magically re-fill and you will be popping up for a bathroom break in 5 minutes. Resistance is futile."
My brain cries out in anguish, "Why have I done to deserve this, lower back and bladder?"
They reply in unison, "You may not remember guzzling beer all night long then sleeping past noon on a lumpy couch or the bare, hard floor back in your college days, but we do. Do you have any idea how much stress that put on us? Now is the Time of Our Revenge"
Truly, "What goes around, comes around", not only in human-to-human interactions but also in the intra-human conflict.
Now I'm retired and guess what? I'm still fumbling around in the pre-dawn November darkness. Oh, I don't want to and I don't have to, but my aged lower back has other ideas. "There's no comfortable position for you in this nice warm bed. I will ache until you must arise and walk off the stiffness. By then, you will be properly chilled and totally awake. Bwahh-Ha-Ha!"
Then my bladder chimes in, "Even if you go back to bed just to warm up, I will magically re-fill and you will be popping up for a bathroom break in 5 minutes. Resistance is futile."
My brain cries out in anguish, "Why have I done to deserve this, lower back and bladder?"
They reply in unison, "You may not remember guzzling beer all night long then sleeping past noon on a lumpy couch or the bare, hard floor back in your college days, but we do. Do you have any idea how much stress that put on us? Now is the Time of Our Revenge"
Truly, "What goes around, comes around", not only in human-to-human interactions but also in the intra-human conflict.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Career Counseling
It's not too soon for high school seniors to begin pondering career choices. Straight to the work force or to college is just part of the decision More relevant is the Ultimate Goal. Wall Street or Occupy Wall Street? Athletics or Reality TV?
Recent news reports give some direction:
Obama's Jobs Bill appears to be dead in the water. All those "Job Creators" on Wall Street can pocket their multi-million dollar holiday bonuses without fear that Uncle Sam will take a larger chunk in taxes. Let's say that the average Wall Street top executive salary with bonuses comes in at about $2 million. That's about $5,000 per day. The average Occupy Wall Street remuneration is about $0 per day. It's a tough choice, but I'll take an office on Wall Street over a spot on the pavement outside it. The pay is better.
CC Sabathia signed a contract extension with the NY Yankees granting him a $30 million average annual paycheck over the next several years. There are about 200 days in the baseball season, so CC hauls in a cool $150,000 per day. The financially-astute among us should turn in that Wall Street pinstripe suit for Yankee pinstripes. And you don't have to wear a tie to work. That makes the decision even easier.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries split up after 72 days of marriage. Reportedly, they were paid $12 million for the televised ceremony plus $2.5 million for exclusive photos. Rounding off, Kim and Kris averaged $200,000 per day of Reality TV wedded bliss. Take that, CC Sabathia!
So there are your career choices, Youth of America, along with the training you will need:
Occupy Wall Street - $0 per day. Prerequisites - Ability to sleep on cold pavement and forage for food. Recommended Training - Army Ranger Survival School.
Wall Street Executive - $5,000 per day. Prerequisites - Lack of conscience and overwhelming greed. Recommended Training - Top-ranked business school or viewing Michael Douglas' "Wall Street" until memorized.
NY Yankee - $150,000 per day. Prerequisites - Outstanding athletic ability or a friendly pharamacist. Recommended Training - If the guys pick a girl for their team before they pick you in grade school Dodgeball, you had best become acquainted with a Dominican pharmacist. Those muscles will get you to the big leagues and "steroid rage" will be a good legal defense when you are arrested after pulverizing those grade school bullies.
Reality TV Star - $200,000 per day. Prerequisites - None really. Significant cosmetic surgery helps and a viral You Tube sex video can't hurt. Recommended Training - Are you serious?
There you have it, Youth of America. Kim Kardashian is available now as is one of her sisters. Can you put up with her for $200,000 per day?
Recent news reports give some direction:
Obama's Jobs Bill appears to be dead in the water. All those "Job Creators" on Wall Street can pocket their multi-million dollar holiday bonuses without fear that Uncle Sam will take a larger chunk in taxes. Let's say that the average Wall Street top executive salary with bonuses comes in at about $2 million. That's about $5,000 per day. The average Occupy Wall Street remuneration is about $0 per day. It's a tough choice, but I'll take an office on Wall Street over a spot on the pavement outside it. The pay is better.
CC Sabathia signed a contract extension with the NY Yankees granting him a $30 million average annual paycheck over the next several years. There are about 200 days in the baseball season, so CC hauls in a cool $150,000 per day. The financially-astute among us should turn in that Wall Street pinstripe suit for Yankee pinstripes. And you don't have to wear a tie to work. That makes the decision even easier.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries split up after 72 days of marriage. Reportedly, they were paid $12 million for the televised ceremony plus $2.5 million for exclusive photos. Rounding off, Kim and Kris averaged $200,000 per day of Reality TV wedded bliss. Take that, CC Sabathia!
So there are your career choices, Youth of America, along with the training you will need:
Occupy Wall Street - $0 per day. Prerequisites - Ability to sleep on cold pavement and forage for food. Recommended Training - Army Ranger Survival School.
Wall Street Executive - $5,000 per day. Prerequisites - Lack of conscience and overwhelming greed. Recommended Training - Top-ranked business school or viewing Michael Douglas' "Wall Street" until memorized.
NY Yankee - $150,000 per day. Prerequisites - Outstanding athletic ability or a friendly pharamacist. Recommended Training - If the guys pick a girl for their team before they pick you in grade school Dodgeball, you had best become acquainted with a Dominican pharmacist. Those muscles will get you to the big leagues and "steroid rage" will be a good legal defense when you are arrested after pulverizing those grade school bullies.
Reality TV Star - $200,000 per day. Prerequisites - None really. Significant cosmetic surgery helps and a viral You Tube sex video can't hurt. Recommended Training - Are you serious?
There you have it, Youth of America. Kim Kardashian is available now as is one of her sisters. Can you put up with her for $200,000 per day?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The (British) Empire Strikes Back
Fox News created a great brouhaha a couple of years ago when national retailers instructed their salespeople to wish customers "Happy Holidays". "They're taking the 'Christ' out of Christmas! This is another sign of America's decline!" Apparently, Fox News remembers when the Schuylkill Expressway was jammed with traffic on a Sunday morning headed for church instead of to the Eagles game. Ah, the good old days. They didn't actually exist, but they were terrific anyway.
Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity have a new bone to pick this year. Macy's announced yesterday that it will open all its stores at midnight on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. It will be offering Black Friday Specials starting at that time.
Macy's plan is actually more insidious than it appears on the surface. Its prime Black Friday Special, sure to draw families from fellowship over pumpkin pie, is a $65 Justin Bieber limited-edition fragrance gift set including a 3.4 ounce eau de parfum spray and the singer's new holiday CD. This is totally un-American! "3.4 ounces" is 500 grams. It's a blatant attempt to indoctrinate American youth into the metric system. "Eau de Parfum" sounds French to me. What ever happened to good old Americanized "Toilet Water"? Lastly, Justin Bieber is Canadian. What sort of holidays from The Great White North is he singing about? "We Wish You a Merry Boxing Day"? "Joy to the World. Victoria Day Is Come"? "Good King Wenceslas Looked Down on the Feast of Canada Day"?
I can hear Bill O'Reilly now. "First, they secularized Christmas. Now they're going after Thanksgiving. We kicked those Canadians' behinds in the War of 1812 and this is their revenge. Wake up, America!"
Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity have a new bone to pick this year. Macy's announced yesterday that it will open all its stores at midnight on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. It will be offering Black Friday Specials starting at that time.
Macy's plan is actually more insidious than it appears on the surface. Its prime Black Friday Special, sure to draw families from fellowship over pumpkin pie, is a $65 Justin Bieber limited-edition fragrance gift set including a 3.4 ounce eau de parfum spray and the singer's new holiday CD. This is totally un-American! "3.4 ounces" is 500 grams. It's a blatant attempt to indoctrinate American youth into the metric system. "Eau de Parfum" sounds French to me. What ever happened to good old Americanized "Toilet Water"? Lastly, Justin Bieber is Canadian. What sort of holidays from The Great White North is he singing about? "We Wish You a Merry Boxing Day"? "Joy to the World. Victoria Day Is Come"? "Good King Wenceslas Looked Down on the Feast of Canada Day"?
I can hear Bill O'Reilly now. "First, they secularized Christmas. Now they're going after Thanksgiving. We kicked those Canadians' behinds in the War of 1812 and this is their revenge. Wake up, America!"
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