They're People Too

"Corporations are people, too", according to Mitt Romney. Just like us flesh and blood Americans, corporations have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of governmental largess by making unlimited, anonymous campaign contributions. Thank you, 2010 Supreme Court.

Let's compare a flesh and blood American like yours truly to an American corporation, say General Electric. In the second quarter of 2011, I "earned" about $10,000 between my pension and Social Security and paid about 25% of that in Federal taxes. In the same quarter, GE earned $3,7 billion and paid zero in Federal taxes. If corporations are "people, too", shouldn't they be paying at least something for the rights and privleges of being an American?

"Not so fast," reply the Republican candidates. "Corporations are Job Creators. They need every penny of those profits to drag the country out of this recession. It hasn't happened for three years now, but it will come. Look at all the jobs that GE has created for Tax Attorneys to make sure that they can take advantage of every loophole in the Tax Code. Surely, GE and other corporations will get around to creating jobs for you common folk soon."

"Until then, you people "people" will have to pick up the tab for:

National Defense - About 60 cents of every dollar you pay to Washington goes for the jets, tanks, and aircraft carriers that provide friendly foreign governments so that Exxon, Halliburton, GE and the like can haul in those off-shore profits. Your life might not be impacted if the Saudi people overthrew their King, but Dick Cheney's stock options from Halliburton would take a hit. You can't expect our corporate "people" to stand still for that. They shouldn't have to pay for it, though.

The State Department - You may never need our ambassador to Kazakhstan to pressure the locals for a zoning permit for that McDonald's in downtown Astana, but the Golden Arches won't be quite as golden if they can't spread the American Way there and haul in a few rubles in the process. Of course, Ronald McDonald shouldn't have to pay for the privilege.

The Agriculture Department - Those subsidies and price supports that keep our food prices high enough to support "the family farmer" mostly go to the corporate agribusinesses that put the family farmer out of business. You can't expect agribusiness to pay taxes on that. You people "people" have Food Stamps and $5 foot-longs. What else do you want?

The Justice Department - Your tax dollars are financing The War on Drugs. We can't have "hopheads" coming in late for work, spending their money on drugs instead of food for their families, beating their wives and children, and driving under the influence. Of course, it's OK for alcoholics to do the same. Alcohol is legal and, oh by the way, Anheuser Busch, Miller, and Coors sponsor race car teams and stadiums out of their profits. Kevin Harvick's #29 Budweiser racing car, and sponsorship of Miller Park in Milwaukee or Coors Field in Denver is a much better use for corporate money than alcohol awareness or even, heaven forbid, paying taxes to fund Federal prisons where abusers of their product reside.

So, you see, corporations are people, too. Except for the paying taxes part. That's up to you people "people"."

Homestyle

Food labels assault us with adjectives - "Natural", "Lite", "Organic", "Lo-Cal", "Free Range, Grass Fed, Humanely Slaughtered. This cow volunteered to be eaten!". We take these advertising claims with a grain of salt. Every now and then though, a food label goes beyond the pale.

Kibbles & Bits Dog Food is now "Homestyle With That Home-Cooked Taste". These words conjure the image of Mama Lassie wielding a spoon over a savory pot filled with all of Fido's favorite foods from puppyhood. So warm, so comforting. Wait a minute. We're talking kibble here - dried chunks of meat by-products. Mama Lassie was cooking up this crap? No wonder Fido left home.

How does Kibbles & Bits know that its product has "that home-cooked taste"? Unless K&B has a Pet Psychic on staff to translate doggie taste testers' tail-wagging and drooling into human language, how can they make this claim? There is a law requiring Truth in Advertising after all.

Kibbles & Bits must hire humans to determine whether their Homestyle product is truly that. Is it a coincidence that K&B dares make this claim at a time when people are desperately seeking employment of any kind? "Help Wanted - Taste Testers for an exciting new Homestyle product. Preferred applicants will have strong teeth and bitter childhood memories."

"This kibble tastes just like the Hamburger Helper that Mama forgot to put meat in and left on the stove overnight. It's Homestyle, all right."

What Makes Neutrino Run?

Hot Scientific News Flash! The speed of light has been broken!

Researchers at CERN that mammoth atom-smashing tunnel beneath the Alps clocked a neutrino at a speed exceeding Warp 1. Take that, Albert Einstein. You had postulated that the speed of light could not be exceeded, but we Star Trek fans know that the Enterprise could go to Warp 9 and we Star Wars fans know that the Millennium Falcon could achieve hyperspace when Han and Chewie got it all together. It just took a while for 21st century scientists to catch up to Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas.

By the way, isn't neutrino a cool name for a subatomic particle or anything else for that matter? When I first studied science all we had were boring protons, neutrons and electrons. You could never name a sports car "The Proton" and expect it to sell. But if Ferrari brought out the new 2011 "Neutrino", buyers would be lined up outside the dealership. The name just sounds funky and fast.

This is probably why modern parents with boring names like Mark and Carol name their offspring Connor and Tiffany. The names sound cool. No doubt the proton and neutron that gave birth to the speedy CERN subatomic particle last week shared Mark and Carol's thoughts. "We lived our lives with dull, common names. Let's give the little guy a name that folks will remember. We'll call him Neutrino."

But why is little Neutrino so fast and why did we just find out about it now? By definition, a neutrino looks just like an electron but carries no electrical charge. Normal "hetero" electrons carry a negative charge and are attracted to those sexy positively-charged protons. Neutrinos are the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered) of the subatomic world.

Until last week, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" might have been the law in subatomics as well as the US Military. When those closeted neutrinos saw American soldiers, sailors, and Marines publicly "coming out", they may have decided to do the same. Alas, protons, electrons, and neutrons were less broad-minded than the US military brass. Only the fastest neutrinos survived their wrath and exceeded the previously inviolable speed of light in their escape.

Don't feel bad, Albert Einstein. Hetero subatomic particles still can't exceed the speed of light.

What's In A Name?

"What is in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." True enough, Mr Shakespeare, but the wrong name can get you beaten like a rented mule.

I read every line of the newspaper sports section. Hope springs eternal that good (the Phillies, Eagles, Lafayette) will triumph over evil (the Yankees, Cowboys, Lehigh). The sports section also provides amusement. How many ways can high school field hockey players spell Kaylee, Kayleigh, Kylee? Why are high school boy soccer players either named something precious like Channing or Keegan or something foreign like Luis or Vladimir?

Then there is the name that just jumps off the page. Scoring a goal for Northampton HS yesterday was Romeo Gaye. Mr and Mrs Gaye had it in for you, Romeo. With a surname like that, you've got to have a Christian name like Marvin for the musically-inclined or Gordon for fans of alliteration or Mike or Jack or some other "k" name to up your macho quotient. Romeo exposes you to both first and family name mockery.

"Yo, Romeo, where's Juliet?"

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou? Losing this game, that's where."

"Don't ask. Don't tell. Romeo Gaye can go to..."

"My Gay-Dar picks up that kid from Glee and Romeo."

Of course, Mr and Mrs Gaye may have taken Johnny Cash's "Boy Named Sue" literally. Romeo must "grow up quick and grow up mean. His fists must "get hard and his wits get keen." Will mockery of Romeo land one "kickin' and a-gougin' in the mud and the blood and the beer"? By the way, "the mud and the blood and the beer" is almost Shakespearean.

Come to think of it, young Mr Gaye is better off as Romeo than as Channing or Keegan.

Acne Apps

I don't own a smart phone. I am therefore deprived of all those swell "apps" that would allow me to simultaneously read the Great Works of Western Literature on a tiny screen while ordering a pizza and texting to my friends while driving my car. How did humanity muddle through before smart phones?

Not all "apps" are what they appear to be. The Federal Trade Commission stopped "Acne App" and "Acne Power" from advertising their product last week. After downloading the "app" and paying $1.99, customers were told to hold their smart phone display screen near their skin for a few minutes each day while its colored lights treated their acne. Hey, it's cheaper than Clearasil and doesn't leave that greasy film. You may develop brain cancer from holding your smart phone near your head, but you'll have clear skin.

Those killjoys at the FTC found the acne-fighting claims "unsubstantiated". Typical of interfering, overregulating big government, they forced the acne apps from the marketplace no doubt causing many tax-paying Americans to lose their jobs. Do the Tea Partiers and the Republican presidential candidates know about this?

Nearly 15,000 people purchased the acne "app". "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door." Actually, provide a useless product, market it properly and people will buy it. I fondly remember Pet Rocks and Mood Rings from the '70s. These products helped push America out of the Carter "stagflation" and Oil Shocks. Would acne "apps" have provided the consumer spending binge that we need to get out of the current economic hard times? Thanks to the FTC, we will never know.

Macho Macho Man

Last Monday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arr-r-r and I missed it. Me one chance each year-r-r to sound salty and tough and have nary a landlubber lookin' funny at me.

Using language and tone to sound macho not only commands respect o'er the Seven Seas but in the political arena as well. Pundits credit Rick Perry's rise to the top of the polls in part to his twangy, down-home debate performances reinforcing his fearless cowboy image. Mitt Romney cannot adopt a manly West Texas drawl at this late date (Perry has that shtick sewn up), but he can upgrade his Macho Quotient by talking like a pirate.

"Guvner-r-r Perry, ye claim that if Ben Ber-r-rnanke keeps on printin' all that fool money ye Texans would know how to handle him. We Massachusetts Yankees would keelhaul that scurvy rat and hang 'im from the yard arm! Out-macho that!"

"Guvner-r-r, the only gun control ye believe in is to use both hands (pause for cheers and applause). Ye go a-joggin' in Texas carryin' yer pistol with holler-point bullets to shoot coyotes. When I set sail with me crew of hearties, we need both hands and both feet to aim our ship's cannon and we shoot at killer-r-r whales not bilge rat size coyotes. Who's more manly now?"

"Guvner-r-r, landlubbers like yer cowboy boots with "Liberty" stitched on 'em. Ar-r-r, look at me new pirate eye patch. It'll show up in every campaign photo not just full-body shots. And in case I ferget, the patch has "I'm anti-government health care and pro-life now" stitched inside."

Politics aside, since I missed National Talk Like a Pirate Day would someone please remind me when National Walk Like an Egyptian Day comes around?

Really Real Housewives

"The Real Housewives" franchise is inescapable. The "reality" TV series featuring wealthy, well-dressed, perfectly-coiffed women who depart their McMansions and gated communities to "do lunch" with their friends and complain about the vicissitudes of their lives has series set in New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, and Orange County. Alas, more program slots are available than there are wealthy gated communities in which to set them. Bravo considered "The Real Housewives of Macungie" wherein the ladies spend the morning making apple butter and "schnitz und knepp" then gather for lunch at Shankweilers for a hearty bowl of chicken and waffles, but it bombed with test audiences.

"Real Housewife" Taylor Armstrong really did have something to complain about last month. Her husband Russell committed suicide. This was Taylor's opportunity to guest on "Entertainment Tonight" and "Today". She tearfully revealed that Russell was abusive. He once "grabbed her by the neck, shoved her against a wall, and threatened to kill her if she ever again made pizza without vegetables for the family."

What a brute! How could he expect her to stop at Whole Foods for arugula and sun-dried bean sprouts when that was the Day of the Triple Whammy? The cook called in sick. It took forever for that new bartender to make mimosas at lunch and the plastic surgeon ran out of botox just before her appointment. Life isn't easy in Beverly Hills.

And they call "Real Housewives" reality TV.