Corporate Speak

Corporate Speak is a unique language, not unlike certain Chinese dialects wherein tone of voice and inflection rising or descending bring totally different meanings to the same words.

Foster Wheeler announced Friday that its CEO was departing after five months on the job "to pursue other interests." Note the absence of the modifier "regretfully" announce. In Corporate Speak, "regretfully" means "Not that we're really sorry to see the Old Man go since the rest of us get to move up a rung on the corporate ladder, but he was OK when he was sober." Deleting the "regretfully" means "It will take months to undo the damage that this clown did."

"To pursue other interests" raises the question, "What can those other interests possibly be for a former CEO?" Here's a guy who devoted thirty plus years of his working life to reaching the corner office and the reserved parking spot. Now, all of a sudden, has he has decided he will build miniature sailing ships in a bottle rather than collect lucrative stock options and go on company-sponsored junkets to Tahiti. The proper inflection for this announcement can either mean, "He's crazy" or "We all wish we could do the same thing."

The other classic Corporate Speak fate for former CEOs is "to spend more time with his family." Here, the tone of voice and inflection indicates "Maybe if he had spent more time with his wife earlier, she wouldn't be in the Betty Ford Clinic today." or "We would like to spend more time with that hot babe he ditched his first wife for, too."

Regardless of the true meaning of the announcement, the former CEO's "golden parachute" no doubt includes sufficient severance pay, stock options, and continuing health and other benefits that it is unlikely that we will see him in his blue vest greeting us at Wal-Mart any time soon.