Walk On!

You can get all those AARP discounts, read the obituaries before the sports page, wear your pants up around your rib cage, and complain about the "guvmint", but you truly achieve Old Fogey status when you become a mall walker.

It was raining this morning not to mention cold and windy. Yard work was out of the question, but I still felt the need to exercise. It was time for my initial foray into mall walking. I joined about thirty fellow walkers at Palmer Park Mall. I quickly learned Mall Walking Etiquette:

Walk counter-clockwise keeping the stores to your right. This is the direction that the horses run the Kentucky Derby after all.
Keep right. Pass left only. It works on the Interstate. It works here, too. Turn signals are optional.
Greet fellow walkers face-to-face only. Do not greet someone as you are passing them. It shows disrespect.
Look away from those poor, exhausted souls collapsed on mall benches. They are weak and unworthy of your sympathy.
I was surprised that the Mall sound system was spewing forth Muzak even with all the stores closed. I was more surprised at the music's effect. When the spritely rhythm of the Bee Gee's "More Than A Woman" played, we walkers sped up. When the slower, more mellow "Knights In White Satin" came on, we slowed accordingly. The music had this effect even though the majority of the walkers were sporting hearing aids and probably sensed rather than heard it. When it comes time to clear the Mall of walkers, I wonder if management doesn't play a polka to drive us to exhaustion.

Of course, we window-shop as we walk. One item drew my attention - a life-size, full-color, cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber for the low, low price of $35. Wouldn't that be the perfect gift for a 63 year old with a prostate condition? Imagine stumbling from bed, half-asleep at 2 AM and encountering Justin's image on the way to the bathroom. That would shock one's urinary tract into normalcy.