The late 80s TV series ALF was one of my favorites. The zany Alien Life Form from the planet Melmac had many idiosyncrasies - eating cats and, best of all, an affinity for "genuine imitation Naugahyde". Since Naugahyde is itself imitation leather, imitation Naugahyde might very well be real leather to ALF. Oh, those confusing double negatives.
Equally confusing is a toy store advertising circular in yesterday's mail. It recommended the Perfect Christmas Gifts - an authentic replica of Harry Potter's wand for the little boys on your list and genuine faux pearls for that little princess who is so hard to buy for. Since a replica is by definition non-authentic, an authentic replica of a fictional object like Harry's wand could be the very device (phoenix feather included) to keep Voldemort at bay. Similarly, faux pearls come from some sweatshop in China, but genuine faux pearls are either guaranteed to be fake or come from good old American oysters.
ALF, help us resolve these confusing double negatives.
Should the authentic replica wand and the genuine faux pearls prove to be of the same quality as Skee Ball prizes at Chuck E Cheese, Christmas can still be salvaged. The circular also lists the "M-forcer Marshmallow Launcher" (marshmallows not included). What kid wouldn't want to pepper his kitchen walls or a sibling with soft white sugary treats? How long would it take for the more scientifically-minded tyke to figure out that the marshmallow projectiles stick a lot better if they are heated to a semi-gooey mass?
Maybe the authentic replica wand and the genuine faux pearls really are the Perfect Christmas Gifts.
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