Queen of the Universe

Athletic team nicknames are a never-ending source of amusement.

The conventional Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh my!) strike fear into opponents' hearts, but fail to tickle the funny bone. Give me the Port LaVaca Sand Crabs (sounds like a parasite that one would pick up on the beach), the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (not what you want to find on your morning Chiquita), or the Boiling Springs Bubblers (whose mascot might be a gurgling infant).

To pass the time while the school closings scroll slowly across the TV screen, I assign appropriate athletic team nicknames. With the advent of charter schools, some wild nicknames come to mind. Philadelphia's School of Engineering and Science teams would obviously be the Geeks with a mascot sporting coke bottom glasses, a bad haircut, and zero social graces. Come to think of it, they don't need a costume. They can just hire me.

Philly's Imhotep Charter wants to be the Fightin' Mummies, trailing dusty body wrapping as they trudge down the basketball court. Opponents beware! You may be ahead 100 - 0, but the Mummies never die!

The plenitude of Christian schools poses a problem. Not every team can be known as the Crusaders. How about the Faith Christian School Church Ladies? Their mascot would be clad in sensible shoes and feature pursed lips and a disapproving glare that would certainly intimidate those heathens across the court.

One school on this morning's closing list nearly threw me for a loop. Somewhere in the Philly area is the modestly-named Queen of the Universe High School. What mascot would be appropriate to rule not just our planet, our solar system, or even our galaxy, but the entire universe? After considerable thought, I realized that the only possibility was the man who already owns the Miss Universe Pageant. I give you the Queen of the Universe High School Donald Trumps!

With his busy schedule, the Donald will be unavailable for sideline mascot duty, but surely there is a blustery guy with a bad comb-over somewhere in the Philly Area willing to lead the QOTU faithful in chants of "You're Fired!" at basketball games.