Rush to Judgement

The classic movie "Twelve Angry Men" shows the American justice system at its finest. Eleven of twelve jurors are set to convict a hapless young man of murder. Juror #12, Henry Fonda, delays the rush to judgement, analyzes the evidence, and convinces the jury that the boy is, in fact, innocent.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission needs a Henry Fonda. The PGC accused Charles Olsen of illegally baiting an area near his home with pastries to attract bears prior to the recent hunting season. Chuck "harvested" a 707 pound bruin, the largest taken in PA this year. That honor is in question after neighbors reported the Chuckster "driving a truck loaded with pastries" into the area prior to hunting season and driving out empty. If convicted, Chuck faces fines and loss of hunting privileges for three years. Fine! Schmine! But three years without hunting is cruel and unusual punishment for any red-blooded Pennsylvania boy.

Henry Fonda would stand before that Game Commission and plead, "Couldn't it have happened another way? Haven't we all seen those TV commercials where Domino's offers home delivery of brownies along with their pizza? How about Poppa John's home delivery of cinnamon pastries? Anyone with a cell phone can have a truck-load of pastries delivered anywhere!"

"Who is to say that a "Mister Bear" didn't phone Domino's or Poppa John's and order that truck-load of pastry? What if Chuck Olsen just happened to be the driver that horrible night? Imagine his shock when the address proved false and he was stopped on the rural road by a 700 pound beast! How did he manage to drive out of the woods that night having witnessed the wanton destruction and consumption of a truck-load of his beloved pastry?"

"But Mister Bear wasn't as smart as he seemed. When hunting season began, Chuck simply followed the trail of pastry wrappings to his den and wreaked revenge for those poor, innocent pastries. Instead of convicting Chuck, we should be honoring him! It's men like Chuck who protect our Twinkies, Yoo-Hoos, and Tastykakes from the ravages of 700 pound bears! I vote him innocent of all charges!"