It has been a long time since Pennsylvania sent one of its native sons to the White House. James Buchanan was the last back in 1856. Jimbo presided over the Dred Scott Decision, the secession of six states, and the beginning of the siege of Fort Sumter. And this guy isn't on Mount Rushmore with a record like that?
Former Senator Rick Santorum looks to end the Keystone State's record of presidential futility. The Rickster called a New Hampshire radio station this week with a brilliant plan to save Social Security. Simply outlaw abortion. "One third of young people are not in America today because of abortion. We are depopulating this country. About 1.2 million abortions are performed in the US every year. If those people lived and each earned $60K per year, almost $10 billion would flow into the Social Security System every year."
That sounds great, Rick! By the time those 2.1 million new Americans are ready to cash in on their Social Security, all those 2012 New Hampshire voters will have gotten theirs and your two terms will be up. Let whoever is in charge in 2076 worry about it!
Not to confuse you with the facts (or spoil a great campaign sound bite), but Social Security paid out nearly $700 billion in benefits in 2010. $10 billion is a drop in the bucket. Also, it's unlikely that those unaborted folk will be earning $60K per year while in diapers. The effect on Social Security may be a few years down the road. Of course, we could also repeal those Child Labor Laws that hamstring US competitiveness in the global economy. Nike would make their running shoes right here in the US if we allow American kids to work for a dollar per day like they do in Bangladesh. And we would be saving Social Security at the same time.
Actually, child labor under sweatshop conditions is probably a non-starter. Those pesky Democrats would probably make a big campaign issue over the first thousand or so kids that die from inhaling sneaker glue fumes. So, the abortion abolition thing won't save Social Security for twenty years or more.
Here's a better idea sure to catapult you to the top of the GOP polls, Rick. Save Social Security by collecting it from illegal aliens. They are working here right now. Don't make them citizens or grant them work permits, of course. Keep them illegal. That way they can never collect benefits, but we sure can live high on the hog with what they pay in. There's a win - win.
I can see it now. A Pennsylvanian in the White House and the sweet smell of scrapple and funnel cake wafting along (appropraitely-named) Pennsylvania Avenue.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Oscar Redux
Deadline.com reports that Oscar-winning director Tom Hooper is in talks to follow up "The King's Speech" with a musical adaptation of "Les Miserables".
Imagine the scene when Tom approaches a Producer with this concept:
Tom: "If I can win an Oscar with a movie about a stuttering King that has no sex, violence or car chases, the only career challenge left for me is to make a musical based on a 150 year old novel about a failed French student uprising. Either that or Rocky VII. All those steroids finally kick in and Stallone's head expands to the size of a watermelon. He head-butts the current heavyweight champ and regains the title after 35 years."
Producer: "Tom, I don't know how to break this to you, but "Les Miserables" has been the most popular stage musical in the world for decades. Every PBS donor has at least one DVD of the stage presentation. Any other ideas?"
Tom: "In the 150 year old literary vein, there's always G.B. Shaw's "Pygmalion". How about we make a musical of it and call it "My Fair Lady"?"
Producer: "What rock have you been living under, Tom? It was done 50 years ago."
Tom: "I've always liked "Oliver Twist". We could make a musical out of that!"
Producer: "Tom, you really need to get out more. Any other ideas?"
Tom: "If Victor Hugo, G.B. Shaw, or Dickens were alive today, they would be writing comic books instead of novels. Let's take the most popular superhero of this era, Spiderman, and make a musical about him! If we put it on Broadway first and amp up the publicity by having accidents that break a few actor's bones, people will flock to the movie."
Producer: "Great concept, Tom! I smell Oscar all over again.
Imagine the scene when Tom approaches a Producer with this concept:
Tom: "If I can win an Oscar with a movie about a stuttering King that has no sex, violence or car chases, the only career challenge left for me is to make a musical based on a 150 year old novel about a failed French student uprising. Either that or Rocky VII. All those steroids finally kick in and Stallone's head expands to the size of a watermelon. He head-butts the current heavyweight champ and regains the title after 35 years."
Producer: "Tom, I don't know how to break this to you, but "Les Miserables" has been the most popular stage musical in the world for decades. Every PBS donor has at least one DVD of the stage presentation. Any other ideas?"
Tom: "In the 150 year old literary vein, there's always G.B. Shaw's "Pygmalion". How about we make a musical of it and call it "My Fair Lady"?"
Producer: "What rock have you been living under, Tom? It was done 50 years ago."
Tom: "I've always liked "Oliver Twist". We could make a musical out of that!"
Producer: "Tom, you really need to get out more. Any other ideas?"
Tom: "If Victor Hugo, G.B. Shaw, or Dickens were alive today, they would be writing comic books instead of novels. Let's take the most popular superhero of this era, Spiderman, and make a musical about him! If we put it on Broadway first and amp up the publicity by having accidents that break a few actor's bones, people will flock to the movie."
Producer: "Great concept, Tom! I smell Oscar all over again.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Path to Success - 2011
The latest and greatest smartphone "app" is "Color". "Color" enables us to transmit our photos, videos, and clever comments not just to Facebook friends or those on our e-mail distribution lists, but to any fellow "Color" app-holder within a 150 ft. radius. That photo of underage Timmy doing a keg stand can be seen not only by his friends but by law enforcement. Your snarky comments on Tiffany's slutty behavior can be read by any pervert within range. That video of you barfing on Mr Wilson's lawn can be seen in real time by Mr Wilson himself. Clearly, this is the extension of social networking that we've all been anticipating.
"Color" is the brainchild of Bill Nguyen, a "seasoned entrepreneur" from Palo Alto, CA who is also a "self-described recluse" who says that the service "drew him out of his shell". And what a shell it is. According to a newspaper article, Bill "works from a white porcelain bathtub in the window of his company's headquarters to the amusement of passersby". Tom Edison and Henry Ford never did that. Disdaining the "corporate suit" culture, he pads around the office and town "in a sleeping bag suit". The Snuggie rises from the family TV Room to the Corporate Boardroom.
Of course, Bill's idiosyncratic ways did not prevent Sequoia Capital, the same firm that originally backed Apple and Google from handing Bill a cool $40 million to develop "Color".
The Path to Success, 2011 update, appears to involve sitting in a bathtub as opposed to sitting at a desk, wearing a Snuggie instead of a three-piece suit, and coming up with a web-based "app" that is likely to get its purchasers arrested. The times, they are a-changing.
"Color" is the brainchild of Bill Nguyen, a "seasoned entrepreneur" from Palo Alto, CA who is also a "self-described recluse" who says that the service "drew him out of his shell". And what a shell it is. According to a newspaper article, Bill "works from a white porcelain bathtub in the window of his company's headquarters to the amusement of passersby". Tom Edison and Henry Ford never did that. Disdaining the "corporate suit" culture, he pads around the office and town "in a sleeping bag suit". The Snuggie rises from the family TV Room to the Corporate Boardroom.
Of course, Bill's idiosyncratic ways did not prevent Sequoia Capital, the same firm that originally backed Apple and Google from handing Bill a cool $40 million to develop "Color".
The Path to Success, 2011 update, appears to involve sitting in a bathtub as opposed to sitting at a desk, wearing a Snuggie instead of a three-piece suit, and coming up with a web-based "app" that is likely to get its purchasers arrested. The times, they are a-changing.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Lindsay!
Dina Lohan revealed last week that daughter Lindsay is dropping the Lohan moniker and will be going by simply "Lindsay".
Going by one name is the very summit of the Pyramid of Egocentrism, steps above naming all your buildings and casinos after yourself (like Donald Trump), naming all your children after yourself (like George Foreman with his boys George, George, and George), or referring to yourself in the third person (like many athletes). But is there more to this story than rampant egocentrism? Is "Lindsay" considering a career change? Will she follow Gwyneth Paltrow into music?
After all, there are numerous musical celebrities with one name. Cher, Madonna, Sting. and Bono come immediately to mind. But there hasn't been a movie star with one name since Lassie, Benji, and Rin Tin Tin. Also, a "Bad Girl" image helps a musical career (witness Joan Jett) and as a musician you can write a best-selling book about your years of drug use (like Keith Richards).
Of course, no one knows if "Lindsay" can sing, but, thanks to modern technology, she need only "mouth" the words and the computer will make her sound like Maria Callas. If the computer is on the blink, though, she should know enough to immediately scamper off-stage unlike Ashlee Simpson on that memorable "Saturday Night Live" incident.
Once "Lindsay" has conquered the musical world, she could use that fame to obtain even greater riches. She need merely copyright the name "Lindsay". Madonna, Sting, and Bono are uncommon names and not worth the expense to trademark, but there are thousands of Lindsays out there. "Sorry, Miss. We can't accept that personal check signed "Lindsay Levine" unless you pay a fee to the famous musician and copyright holder "Lindsay".
On the other hand, maybe "Lindsay" is just incredibly egocentric after all.
Going by one name is the very summit of the Pyramid of Egocentrism, steps above naming all your buildings and casinos after yourself (like Donald Trump), naming all your children after yourself (like George Foreman with his boys George, George, and George), or referring to yourself in the third person (like many athletes). But is there more to this story than rampant egocentrism? Is "Lindsay" considering a career change? Will she follow Gwyneth Paltrow into music?
After all, there are numerous musical celebrities with one name. Cher, Madonna, Sting. and Bono come immediately to mind. But there hasn't been a movie star with one name since Lassie, Benji, and Rin Tin Tin. Also, a "Bad Girl" image helps a musical career (witness Joan Jett) and as a musician you can write a best-selling book about your years of drug use (like Keith Richards).
Of course, no one knows if "Lindsay" can sing, but, thanks to modern technology, she need only "mouth" the words and the computer will make her sound like Maria Callas. If the computer is on the blink, though, she should know enough to immediately scamper off-stage unlike Ashlee Simpson on that memorable "Saturday Night Live" incident.
Once "Lindsay" has conquered the musical world, she could use that fame to obtain even greater riches. She need merely copyright the name "Lindsay". Madonna, Sting, and Bono are uncommon names and not worth the expense to trademark, but there are thousands of Lindsays out there. "Sorry, Miss. We can't accept that personal check signed "Lindsay Levine" unless you pay a fee to the famous musician and copyright holder "Lindsay".
On the other hand, maybe "Lindsay" is just incredibly egocentric after all.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Authentic Accents
"The Office" almost convinces me that it is truly set in Scranton. "Froggy 101" stickers adorn cubicle walls. The break room cold drink machine advertises not Coke or Pepsi, but good old Crystal Club. Cooper's Seafood Restaurant is mentioned reverently. The characters have bad haircuts.
But the show falls short whenever the word "Scranton" is spoken. Michael, Jim, and Pam pronounce every single letter even the "nt" in the middle. Real natives pronounce it "Scra-uh" just like our neighbors down the Wyoming Valley pronounce their home town's name as "Wills Barrah".
If "The Office" had been set in Bethlehem, Lehigh Valley natives would expect it to be authentically pronounced "Bethlum". If set across the mighty Delaware, it would be Dunder-Mifflin Fulpsburg Branch. In either case, we would see Z-95 or possibly Cat Country 96 stickers, A-Treat soda machines, and still (Are there no hairstylists in Pennsylvania?) bad haircuts.
The point is that non-native script writers are unfamiliar with our tendency to ignore those pesky mid-name syllables. Only here do Christmas carolers sing, "Oh, little town of Beth (hold for a note) lum."
This will be Steve Carrel's last season on "The Office". Steve should insist on authentic accents before he departs. "I bounced the bahl against the wahl in Scra-uh Steamtown Mahll". I am available as a dialog coach to get that flat "Ah" sound just right.
But the show falls short whenever the word "Scranton" is spoken. Michael, Jim, and Pam pronounce every single letter even the "nt" in the middle. Real natives pronounce it "Scra-uh" just like our neighbors down the Wyoming Valley pronounce their home town's name as "Wills Barrah".
If "The Office" had been set in Bethlehem, Lehigh Valley natives would expect it to be authentically pronounced "Bethlum". If set across the mighty Delaware, it would be Dunder-Mifflin Fulpsburg Branch. In either case, we would see Z-95 or possibly Cat Country 96 stickers, A-Treat soda machines, and still (Are there no hairstylists in Pennsylvania?) bad haircuts.
The point is that non-native script writers are unfamiliar with our tendency to ignore those pesky mid-name syllables. Only here do Christmas carolers sing, "Oh, little town of Beth (hold for a note) lum."
This will be Steve Carrel's last season on "The Office". Steve should insist on authentic accents before he departs. "I bounced the bahl against the wahl in Scra-uh Steamtown Mahll". I am available as a dialog coach to get that flat "Ah" sound just right.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Modern Digital Age
Studies show that the Modern Digital Age is making us smarter. Now that we can play games on our laptops, iPads, and Smart Phones, we can exercise our brains anywhere, any time. Rather than putting our gray cells in neutral by watching the movie or daydreaming on that long flight, we turbocharge our cerebellums with the challenge of Tetris or Donkey Kong. It takes effort to go to the gym so our bodies get flabby, but our Smart Phone is right at hand to fight boredom and keep those neurons sparking.
Unfortunately, there's also a downside. Back in the Dark Ages before cell phones and their programmable Contacts List, we primitive people had to memorize important phone numbers. I still remember the numbers for old girlfriends, my father's workplace, my high school ("Can't come to school today (cough / cough)), and the local beer distributor. Yesterday, Lowe's asked for my home phone number and I couldn't remember it. Why would I call myself? I had to whip out the cell phone and look it up under Contacts. Am I getting dumber? I play lots of games on my cell phone. I should be getting smarter.
Of course, phone numbers are getting more difficult to memorize. Instead of seven digits, we now have to enter the area code and there are area codes within area codes (like the dreaded 484 within our venerable 610 that used to be 215). Ah, for the good old days of five digit phone numbers preceded by a cool code word. Growing up in Scranton, all our phone numbers began with DIamondx-xxxx dialed 34x-xxxx. Allentown was HEmlockx-xxxx dialed 43x-xxxx.
Maybe the Modern Digital Age is making us smarter after all. We have progressed from Code Word plus five digits to seven digits to area code plus seven digits to changable area code plus seven digits. Humanity can handle it! After a few more rounds of games on my cell phone, even an old-timer like me can enter the Modern Digital Age.
Unfortunately, there's also a downside. Back in the Dark Ages before cell phones and their programmable Contacts List, we primitive people had to memorize important phone numbers. I still remember the numbers for old girlfriends, my father's workplace, my high school ("Can't come to school today (cough / cough)), and the local beer distributor. Yesterday, Lowe's asked for my home phone number and I couldn't remember it. Why would I call myself? I had to whip out the cell phone and look it up under Contacts. Am I getting dumber? I play lots of games on my cell phone. I should be getting smarter.
Of course, phone numbers are getting more difficult to memorize. Instead of seven digits, we now have to enter the area code and there are area codes within area codes (like the dreaded 484 within our venerable 610 that used to be 215). Ah, for the good old days of five digit phone numbers preceded by a cool code word. Growing up in Scranton, all our phone numbers began with DIamondx-xxxx dialed 34x-xxxx. Allentown was HEmlockx-xxxx dialed 43x-xxxx.
Maybe the Modern Digital Age is making us smarter after all. We have progressed from Code Word plus five digits to seven digits to area code plus seven digits to changable area code plus seven digits. Humanity can handle it! After a few more rounds of games on my cell phone, even an old-timer like me can enter the Modern Digital Age.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Motivation
Sometimes, a pithy quote explains motivation better than an hour-long speech
After "Big Daddy D" David Lattin helped Texas Western University win the NCAA basketball championship back in 1966, the Newark, NJ native was asked how he ended up playing hoops in El Paso, TX. He replied, "They made me the best offer, man."
After choosing East Stroudsburg University to continue his football career, a local gridder spouted the standard lines of "The coaches and players made me feel welcome. It's close to home", etc. When asked about his proposed academic major, he revealed that football might be his top priority when he said, "I'm debating between Criminal Justice and something to do with cars." Introduction to Fuel Injection 101 may not be on the course list at ESU.
A local young lady began a correspondence with a man awaiting trial for murder. Asked why she writes to prisoners, she replied that exchanging letters with them isn't new to her. Usually, she said, she chooses based on the face and not the crimes alleged. "It just so happens that I'm drawn to murderers." That explains it all.
It worked out for "Big Daddy D". He got a national championship and was in the NBA for a while. It remains to be seen whether the football player will achieve his dream of working on hot police cars and whether the prison correspondent will find the murderer of her dreams. It's great that they could express their motivation in a pithy sentence though.
After "Big Daddy D" David Lattin helped Texas Western University win the NCAA basketball championship back in 1966, the Newark, NJ native was asked how he ended up playing hoops in El Paso, TX. He replied, "They made me the best offer, man."
After choosing East Stroudsburg University to continue his football career, a local gridder spouted the standard lines of "The coaches and players made me feel welcome. It's close to home", etc. When asked about his proposed academic major, he revealed that football might be his top priority when he said, "I'm debating between Criminal Justice and something to do with cars." Introduction to Fuel Injection 101 may not be on the course list at ESU.
A local young lady began a correspondence with a man awaiting trial for murder. Asked why she writes to prisoners, she replied that exchanging letters with them isn't new to her. Usually, she said, she chooses based on the face and not the crimes alleged. "It just so happens that I'm drawn to murderers." That explains it all.
It worked out for "Big Daddy D". He got a national championship and was in the NBA for a while. It remains to be seen whether the football player will achieve his dream of working on hot police cars and whether the prison correspondent will find the murderer of her dreams. It's great that they could express their motivation in a pithy sentence though.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Trojan Horses
"Never look a gift horse in the mouth." - King Priam of Troy. This didn't work out too well
"$1 million plus expenses for 45 minutes work. So what if it is for Gadaffi's son. I'll take it." - Mariah Carey. This 2008 New Year's Eve gig actually did work out for Mariah at the time though she is now donating the money to Haitian Relief. Sometimes it takes a while for the Greeks to sneak out of that horse.
"$3 million plus expenses to appear at a Turkish hotel on Cyprus? Beats the crap out of judging American Idol! Book it." - Jennifer Lopez. "Whoopsie, you say that Cypriot Greeks and Turks are shooting each other near the hotel? I guess I'll have to put up with Randy and Steven for a while longer." J-Lo was smart enough not to let the Trojan Horse inside her public image gates.
"2 million pounds for a private concert for the leader of Uzbekistan? I'm on it." - Sting (fake quote). "I am well aware of the Uzbek President's appalling reputation in the field of human rights as well as the environment...I have come to believe that cultural boycotts are not only pointless gestures, they are counterproductive. When proscribed states are further robbed of the open commerce of ideas and art, they become even more closed, paranoid, and insular." - Sting (actual quote). "Geez, 2 million pounds! I haven't had a hit or decent concert tour in years. It may be a Trojan Horse to my public image, but I'll make a bullcrap statement about artistic freedom. By the way, exactly where is Uzbekistan?" - Sting (what he was actually thinking).
"If it looks too good to be true, it probably is." - Everyone's Mom. That Greek Horse outside the Trojan gates, those ludicrous concert guarantees will reach out and bite you eventually. Still, who wouldn't think long and hard about it?
"$1 million plus expenses for 45 minutes work. So what if it is for Gadaffi's son. I'll take it." - Mariah Carey. This 2008 New Year's Eve gig actually did work out for Mariah at the time though she is now donating the money to Haitian Relief. Sometimes it takes a while for the Greeks to sneak out of that horse.
"$3 million plus expenses to appear at a Turkish hotel on Cyprus? Beats the crap out of judging American Idol! Book it." - Jennifer Lopez. "Whoopsie, you say that Cypriot Greeks and Turks are shooting each other near the hotel? I guess I'll have to put up with Randy and Steven for a while longer." J-Lo was smart enough not to let the Trojan Horse inside her public image gates.
"2 million pounds for a private concert for the leader of Uzbekistan? I'm on it." - Sting (fake quote). "I am well aware of the Uzbek President's appalling reputation in the field of human rights as well as the environment...I have come to believe that cultural boycotts are not only pointless gestures, they are counterproductive. When proscribed states are further robbed of the open commerce of ideas and art, they become even more closed, paranoid, and insular." - Sting (actual quote). "Geez, 2 million pounds! I haven't had a hit or decent concert tour in years. It may be a Trojan Horse to my public image, but I'll make a bullcrap statement about artistic freedom. By the way, exactly where is Uzbekistan?" - Sting (what he was actually thinking).
"If it looks too good to be true, it probably is." - Everyone's Mom. That Greek Horse outside the Trojan gates, those ludicrous concert guarantees will reach out and bite you eventually. Still, who wouldn't think long and hard about it?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Royal Watcher
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is the classic conversation-starter between adults and kids. The kid's answer ("A cowboy", "A princess", "A hedge fund manager") is irrelevant until that day when we face our 8th grade Guidance Counselor. Our stated career choice in that interview determines whether we take Algebra or Practical Math, Biology or Shop, Spanish or Home Economics during our high school years.
This interview is tough on the kids, but must be even more difficult for the Guidance Counselors. Imagine when 13 year old Marlon Brando told his Counselor that he wanted to be a movie star. "You may want to re-think that, Marlon. You are losing your hair, will weigh 300 lbs, and you mumble. Cary Grant, you are not. Have you considered making big money driving an 18 wheeler?"
My 8th grade Guidance Counselor had had her fill of prospective professional athletes, astronauts, and mafia capos (I went to a tough school) by the time I came in for my interview. When I told her I wanted to be a fireman, she wailed, "Why doesn't anyone want to be something original?"
I've searched for a truly original occupation ever since. I finally found it yesterday. "Today" had a piece from Buckingham Palace concerning the upcoming William and Kate wedding by a guy whose title was listed not as "Senior London Correspondent" or "NBC News" but as "Royal Watcher". The fast-breaking news story that the "Royal Watcher" revealed was that Prince William was seen wearing sneakers when he and Kate went out to eat. Woodward and Bernstein never had a scoop like that.
Now there is a unique job - keeping tabs on a semi-dysfunctional, incredibly wealthy family and reporting to the world every ten years or so when they do something interesting or (hopefully) scandalous. I should have told my Guidance Counselor that I wanted to be a "Royal Watcher". It would have broken the boredom of her day and set me on the path to a satisfying career.
This interview is tough on the kids, but must be even more difficult for the Guidance Counselors. Imagine when 13 year old Marlon Brando told his Counselor that he wanted to be a movie star. "You may want to re-think that, Marlon. You are losing your hair, will weigh 300 lbs, and you mumble. Cary Grant, you are not. Have you considered making big money driving an 18 wheeler?"
My 8th grade Guidance Counselor had had her fill of prospective professional athletes, astronauts, and mafia capos (I went to a tough school) by the time I came in for my interview. When I told her I wanted to be a fireman, she wailed, "Why doesn't anyone want to be something original?"
I've searched for a truly original occupation ever since. I finally found it yesterday. "Today" had a piece from Buckingham Palace concerning the upcoming William and Kate wedding by a guy whose title was listed not as "Senior London Correspondent" or "NBC News" but as "Royal Watcher". The fast-breaking news story that the "Royal Watcher" revealed was that Prince William was seen wearing sneakers when he and Kate went out to eat. Woodward and Bernstein never had a scoop like that.
Now there is a unique job - keeping tabs on a semi-dysfunctional, incredibly wealthy family and reporting to the world every ten years or so when they do something interesting or (hopefully) scandalous. I should have told my Guidance Counselor that I wanted to be a "Royal Watcher". It would have broken the boredom of her day and set me on the path to a satisfying career.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Walk On!
You can get all those AARP discounts, read the obituaries before the sports page, wear your pants up around your rib cage, and complain about the "guvmint", but you truly achieve Old Fogey status when you become a mall walker.
It was raining this morning not to mention cold and windy. Yard work was out of the question, but I still felt the need to exercise. It was time for my initial foray into mall walking. I joined about thirty fellow walkers at Palmer Park Mall. I quickly learned Mall Walking Etiquette:
Walk counter-clockwise keeping the stores to your right. This is the direction that the horses run the Kentucky Derby after all.
Keep right. Pass left only. It works on the Interstate. It works here, too. Turn signals are optional.
Greet fellow walkers face-to-face only. Do not greet someone as you are passing them. It shows disrespect.
Look away from those poor, exhausted souls collapsed on mall benches. They are weak and unworthy of your sympathy.
I was surprised that the Mall sound system was spewing forth Muzak even with all the stores closed. I was more surprised at the music's effect. When the spritely rhythm of the Bee Gee's "More Than A Woman" played, we walkers sped up. When the slower, more mellow "Knights In White Satin" came on, we slowed accordingly. The music had this effect even though the majority of the walkers were sporting hearing aids and probably sensed rather than heard it. When it comes time to clear the Mall of walkers, I wonder if management doesn't play a polka to drive us to exhaustion.
Of course, we window-shop as we walk. One item drew my attention - a life-size, full-color, cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber for the low, low price of $35. Wouldn't that be the perfect gift for a 63 year old with a prostate condition? Imagine stumbling from bed, half-asleep at 2 AM and encountering Justin's image on the way to the bathroom. That would shock one's urinary tract into normalcy.
It was raining this morning not to mention cold and windy. Yard work was out of the question, but I still felt the need to exercise. It was time for my initial foray into mall walking. I joined about thirty fellow walkers at Palmer Park Mall. I quickly learned Mall Walking Etiquette:
Walk counter-clockwise keeping the stores to your right. This is the direction that the horses run the Kentucky Derby after all.
Keep right. Pass left only. It works on the Interstate. It works here, too. Turn signals are optional.
Greet fellow walkers face-to-face only. Do not greet someone as you are passing them. It shows disrespect.
Look away from those poor, exhausted souls collapsed on mall benches. They are weak and unworthy of your sympathy.
I was surprised that the Mall sound system was spewing forth Muzak even with all the stores closed. I was more surprised at the music's effect. When the spritely rhythm of the Bee Gee's "More Than A Woman" played, we walkers sped up. When the slower, more mellow "Knights In White Satin" came on, we slowed accordingly. The music had this effect even though the majority of the walkers were sporting hearing aids and probably sensed rather than heard it. When it comes time to clear the Mall of walkers, I wonder if management doesn't play a polka to drive us to exhaustion.
Of course, we window-shop as we walk. One item drew my attention - a life-size, full-color, cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber for the low, low price of $35. Wouldn't that be the perfect gift for a 63 year old with a prostate condition? Imagine stumbling from bed, half-asleep at 2 AM and encountering Justin's image on the way to the bathroom. That would shock one's urinary tract into normalcy.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Mutton Chop Revolution
Baseball's Spring Training is a time for optimism. We Phillies fans are living in a Golden Age - four consecutive divisional championships, one World Series win, a seemingly invincible 2011 pitching staff. It's all good.
Or is it? Word from Florida is that Chase Utley might be headed for knee surgery. The Phillies without Chase Utley just won't be the same. His hits, home runs, and RBIs can possibly be replaced, but I will mostly miss his sideburns.
We all know that baseball players are hairstyle trend-setters. Bake McBride of the Phillies had one of the the first Afros back in the 70s. Al Hrabosky and Goose Gossage began the Fu Manchu mustache trend in the same era. Mike Schmidt and Greg Luzinski both adopted the fortunately short-lived male perm white guy Afro look. The Yankees' Thurman Munson was the first to sport mutton chop sideburns.
It's a new decade and it calls for a new hairstyle. The military crew cut is on its way out and the Justin Bieber front sweep hopefully will never catch on. I was really hoping that mutton chop sideburns would be the wave of the 2010s. Chase Utley was leading the charge. Over the past few years, Chase's sideburns worked their way down his cheeks. Surely, 2011 would see full-blown mutton chops on the Phillies second baseman.
The best part was that I can finally be in style. Back when Thurman Munson had his mutton chops, I was too young to grow good ones. My sideburns back then were sparse and oddly-colored. Forty years later, I can't grow hair on the top of my head but it sprouts thick and rich on my face. I could look just like All-Star Chase Utley.
The problem is that a successful hairstyle, one that I can retain despite the protests of family members, has to start with a famous ballplayer. If Chase Utley can't appear on TV every night between now and October, the Mutton Chop Revolution will stop in its tracks.
Chase, rehab that knee! I've been waiting forty years to be in style.
Or is it? Word from Florida is that Chase Utley might be headed for knee surgery. The Phillies without Chase Utley just won't be the same. His hits, home runs, and RBIs can possibly be replaced, but I will mostly miss his sideburns.
We all know that baseball players are hairstyle trend-setters. Bake McBride of the Phillies had one of the the first Afros back in the 70s. Al Hrabosky and Goose Gossage began the Fu Manchu mustache trend in the same era. Mike Schmidt and Greg Luzinski both adopted the fortunately short-lived male perm white guy Afro look. The Yankees' Thurman Munson was the first to sport mutton chop sideburns.
It's a new decade and it calls for a new hairstyle. The military crew cut is on its way out and the Justin Bieber front sweep hopefully will never catch on. I was really hoping that mutton chop sideburns would be the wave of the 2010s. Chase Utley was leading the charge. Over the past few years, Chase's sideburns worked their way down his cheeks. Surely, 2011 would see full-blown mutton chops on the Phillies second baseman.
The best part was that I can finally be in style. Back when Thurman Munson had his mutton chops, I was too young to grow good ones. My sideburns back then were sparse and oddly-colored. Forty years later, I can't grow hair on the top of my head but it sprouts thick and rich on my face. I could look just like All-Star Chase Utley.
The problem is that a successful hairstyle, one that I can retain despite the protests of family members, has to start with a famous ballplayer. If Chase Utley can't appear on TV every night between now and October, the Mutton Chop Revolution will stop in its tracks.
Chase, rehab that knee! I've been waiting forty years to be in style.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Back to the Future
I awoke yesterday morning to find all the clocks reading one hour ahead of what they should read. Clearly, I am now living in The Future, and doing so without the aid of a DeLorean and a functional flux capacitor. What does The Future hold? Here is the scoop from One Who Is Living There:
The Sun will lose it a lot faster than those 21st century scientists predicted. It's dark at 6 AM here in the Future though it seems to stay light until 7 PM for some reason.
Apple will release the iPad2 thrilling those techno-geeks who will line up in the cold and rain outside the Apple Store at 4 AM. Remarkably, the iPad2 with all its new and improved features will be the same price as the original iPad. Yo, techno-geeks! As much fun as it was to be the first on your block to have the original iPad, had you waited a few months, you could have had a better device at the same price and avoided that stay in the hospital due to exposure and pneumonia.
The National Football League lockout will still prevent football from starting up in September, 2011. Despite our fears, the world will not end. In fact, the divorce rate will plummet. Wives will be thrilled that all those household tasks are accomplished on autumn Sundays and that the money that used to go to Benny the Bookie now pays for a romantic dinner.
Hollywood will run out of comic book superheroes as subjects for movies. The Green Hornet didn't even have superpowers for heaven's sake. No wonder the Seth Rogen movie tanked. Fortunately, comic book superheroes will find a new home on Broadway. "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" will survive scathing reviews and $150 ticket prices for a long run on The Great White Way. "Dad, take me to the Spiderman show. Maybe tonight will be the performance where the flying support cables get tangled and Spidey crashes and fractures something. Hey, you watch hockey or the fights and watch NASCAR hoping for a crash."
There you have it. The Future is much like the present.
The Sun will lose it a lot faster than those 21st century scientists predicted. It's dark at 6 AM here in the Future though it seems to stay light until 7 PM for some reason.
Apple will release the iPad2 thrilling those techno-geeks who will line up in the cold and rain outside the Apple Store at 4 AM. Remarkably, the iPad2 with all its new and improved features will be the same price as the original iPad. Yo, techno-geeks! As much fun as it was to be the first on your block to have the original iPad, had you waited a few months, you could have had a better device at the same price and avoided that stay in the hospital due to exposure and pneumonia.
The National Football League lockout will still prevent football from starting up in September, 2011. Despite our fears, the world will not end. In fact, the divorce rate will plummet. Wives will be thrilled that all those household tasks are accomplished on autumn Sundays and that the money that used to go to Benny the Bookie now pays for a romantic dinner.
Hollywood will run out of comic book superheroes as subjects for movies. The Green Hornet didn't even have superpowers for heaven's sake. No wonder the Seth Rogen movie tanked. Fortunately, comic book superheroes will find a new home on Broadway. "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark" will survive scathing reviews and $150 ticket prices for a long run on The Great White Way. "Dad, take me to the Spiderman show. Maybe tonight will be the performance where the flying support cables get tangled and Spidey crashes and fractures something. Hey, you watch hockey or the fights and watch NASCAR hoping for a crash."
There you have it. The Future is much like the present.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Nicknames
Athletic team nicknames run the gamut. After the standard Lions, Tigers, and Bears (Oh, my!), we have the less common though still conventional Leopards, Mountain Hawks, and Bison. Here in Lehigh Valley high school circles, we proudly support the Canaries and Konkrete Kids. How opponents fear small yellow songbirds or children encased in gray, stony aggregate!
The Pennsylvania High School Basketball rankings are in today's newspaper. Only the school names are given. I wonder what team nicknames are appropriate for:
Philadelphia Electrical HS - Perhaps the Short Circuits? They'll give you a charge.
Holy Ghost Prep - Maybe the Ghouls or Goblins. Beware of these guys on Halloween.
Imhotep Charter - Sounds Egyptian. Gotta be the Fightin' Mummies.
Constitution HS - For all the history buffs out there, your Constitution HS Old Ironsides!
Philadelphia HS of Math, Civics & Sciences - These guys have pocket protectors on their basketball jerseys. Beware of the MC&S Purple Nerds.
Church Farm School - Obviously the school of choice for religious agriculturists, here come the Preaching Roosters.
Cranberry HS - The team that wears bright red uniforms and rushes onto the court from a tin can has to be the Cranberry Sauces.
Of course the classic PA high school team nickname is the Boiling Springs Bubblers. They didn't make this year's basketball rankings. Though a canary mascot is less than intimidating to the opposition. a student encased in a bubble is almost laughable.
The Pennsylvania High School Basketball rankings are in today's newspaper. Only the school names are given. I wonder what team nicknames are appropriate for:
Philadelphia Electrical HS - Perhaps the Short Circuits? They'll give you a charge.
Holy Ghost Prep - Maybe the Ghouls or Goblins. Beware of these guys on Halloween.
Imhotep Charter - Sounds Egyptian. Gotta be the Fightin' Mummies.
Constitution HS - For all the history buffs out there, your Constitution HS Old Ironsides!
Philadelphia HS of Math, Civics & Sciences - These guys have pocket protectors on their basketball jerseys. Beware of the MC&S Purple Nerds.
Church Farm School - Obviously the school of choice for religious agriculturists, here come the Preaching Roosters.
Cranberry HS - The team that wears bright red uniforms and rushes onto the court from a tin can has to be the Cranberry Sauces.
Of course the classic PA high school team nickname is the Boiling Springs Bubblers. They didn't make this year's basketball rankings. Though a canary mascot is less than intimidating to the opposition. a student encased in a bubble is almost laughable.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
Forty years ago yesterday was the first Muhammad Ali - Joe Frazier fight. It is hard for people today to imagine what a big deal this boxing match was. Madison Square Garden was packed with every celebrity who was breathing at the time. Frank Sinatra got ringside seats only by acting as a photographer. The fight was pay-per-view so most Americans had to catch it on the radio.
Unless, of course, those Americans happened to be serving in the US Army in Korea. Korean TV carried the fight live. With the time difference, the fight began around 11 AM local time. Every GI plotted and planned to be near a TV at that magic hour. Most of us succeeded. The North Koreans could have waltzed across the DMZ accompanied by a brass band that morning and we wouldn't have known until they were in Seoul or possibly surfing ashore in California.
We resourceful troopers of Alpha Company, 802d Engineer Battalion bribed the local bar owner to move his TV to our tents at Camp Brown where we defended the American Way of Life by making asphalt pavement in a 50 year old plant originally brought there by the Japanese when they occupied Korea. The roads near the DMZ badly needed paving, but the plant "broke down" and repairs would take at least until the end of the fight. This little white lie was never discovered since the Colonel was watching the fight himself in some Officers' Club back in Seoul.
Ali - Frazier was more than a boxing match. It was a referendum on race in America at the time. Ali was the new black American with his conversion to Islam, his stance against the Viet Nam War, and his refusal of the military draft. Ali painted Frazier as an "Uncle Tom", a modern-day Joe Louis trying to be "a credit to his race". This was patently unfair. Frazier fought his way out of a meat cutting job in Philadelphia (the real life inspiration for "Rocky"), had an all-black management team (unlike Ali), and established gyms in his old neighborhood for black youth. Ali claimed he began boxing when his bicycle was stolen by some bullies. Frazier noted that he never had a bike as a kid.
What really bothered me was when Ali called Frazier a "gorilla". To this day, there is no better-looking fighter than Ali - tall, handsome, and unscarred. Joe Frazier was short, lumpy, and showed every punch he had taken. Those blessed with good looks shouldn't mock those who are not.
The fight was exactly what most experts predicted. Frazier waded into Ali, taking three punches to deliver one. Ali had quicker hands and a longer reach. If it came to a decision, he would win easily. The Ali supporters in that tent in Korea (and that was most of us) eagerly anticipated his victory interview which would, no doubt, be full of rhymes and bravado. The New Black American would triumph (the term African-American was unknown in those days).
But a sporting event is not decided on the basis of good looks, quick-wittedness, or social change. Ali tired in the 14th round and Frazier dropped him to the canvas with a left hook that quieted that tent in Korea (and probably Madison Square Garden as well). Frazier won the decision. The asphalt plant magically repaired itself, and the DMZ was once again secure.
With 40 years perspective, Ali - Frazier was an example of karmic justice. Ali truly was the bully of the two - the handsome, athletic guy from high school that always got what he wanted without really working for it. Frazier was the victim - mocked by the bully for his looks and lack of talent who sat on the bench until one magic day when he got into the game and hit the winning shot.
Of course, Ali defeated Frazier the two times that they fought again. Karma doesn't work every time. But once is enough.
Unless, of course, those Americans happened to be serving in the US Army in Korea. Korean TV carried the fight live. With the time difference, the fight began around 11 AM local time. Every GI plotted and planned to be near a TV at that magic hour. Most of us succeeded. The North Koreans could have waltzed across the DMZ accompanied by a brass band that morning and we wouldn't have known until they were in Seoul or possibly surfing ashore in California.
We resourceful troopers of Alpha Company, 802d Engineer Battalion bribed the local bar owner to move his TV to our tents at Camp Brown where we defended the American Way of Life by making asphalt pavement in a 50 year old plant originally brought there by the Japanese when they occupied Korea. The roads near the DMZ badly needed paving, but the plant "broke down" and repairs would take at least until the end of the fight. This little white lie was never discovered since the Colonel was watching the fight himself in some Officers' Club back in Seoul.
Ali - Frazier was more than a boxing match. It was a referendum on race in America at the time. Ali was the new black American with his conversion to Islam, his stance against the Viet Nam War, and his refusal of the military draft. Ali painted Frazier as an "Uncle Tom", a modern-day Joe Louis trying to be "a credit to his race". This was patently unfair. Frazier fought his way out of a meat cutting job in Philadelphia (the real life inspiration for "Rocky"), had an all-black management team (unlike Ali), and established gyms in his old neighborhood for black youth. Ali claimed he began boxing when his bicycle was stolen by some bullies. Frazier noted that he never had a bike as a kid.
What really bothered me was when Ali called Frazier a "gorilla". To this day, there is no better-looking fighter than Ali - tall, handsome, and unscarred. Joe Frazier was short, lumpy, and showed every punch he had taken. Those blessed with good looks shouldn't mock those who are not.
The fight was exactly what most experts predicted. Frazier waded into Ali, taking three punches to deliver one. Ali had quicker hands and a longer reach. If it came to a decision, he would win easily. The Ali supporters in that tent in Korea (and that was most of us) eagerly anticipated his victory interview which would, no doubt, be full of rhymes and bravado. The New Black American would triumph (the term African-American was unknown in those days).
But a sporting event is not decided on the basis of good looks, quick-wittedness, or social change. Ali tired in the 14th round and Frazier dropped him to the canvas with a left hook that quieted that tent in Korea (and probably Madison Square Garden as well). Frazier won the decision. The asphalt plant magically repaired itself, and the DMZ was once again secure.
With 40 years perspective, Ali - Frazier was an example of karmic justice. Ali truly was the bully of the two - the handsome, athletic guy from high school that always got what he wanted without really working for it. Frazier was the victim - mocked by the bully for his looks and lack of talent who sat on the bench until one magic day when he got into the game and hit the winning shot.
Of course, Ali defeated Frazier the two times that they fought again. Karma doesn't work every time. But once is enough.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Popular Exports
Some things are quintessentially American. Barbeque, baseball, obesity, and fanny packs did not catch on in Europe. As if crepes, soccer, fitness, and "man purses" can compare!
I would have added spray-painted graffiti to the list of All-American items. What is more American than Cool Earl's name in fat, intertwined, 6 foot high letters on the side of a bridge abutment or a subway car? Alas, spray-painted graffiti is all over Europe nowadays. But why?
I blame the Digital Revolution. Now that everyone is wired into the Internet 24 / 7 with laptops, iPads, Blackberries, and Smart Phones, there is no need to physically take pen to paper any more. Students take class notes on their laptops. Classroom lessons are on Power Point. Everyone texts and tweets instead of writing a personal letter. Students learn the QWERTY keyboard in 3rd grade. The Palmer Method of Cursive Handwriting is passe'.
But old habits die hard. We feel an innate need to express our individuality in a unique written script rather than limiting ourselves to Times New Roman. Hence, graffiti exploded onto the American scene simultaneously with the Digital Revolution. And when Steve Jobs' brainchild made its way to Europe so did spray-painted graffiti.
As our trade deficit shows, we were unable to export barbeque, baseball, obesity, or fanny packs. Spray-painted graffiti, though, is as popular world-wide as Barbie dolls.
I would have added spray-painted graffiti to the list of All-American items. What is more American than Cool Earl's name in fat, intertwined, 6 foot high letters on the side of a bridge abutment or a subway car? Alas, spray-painted graffiti is all over Europe nowadays. But why?
I blame the Digital Revolution. Now that everyone is wired into the Internet 24 / 7 with laptops, iPads, Blackberries, and Smart Phones, there is no need to physically take pen to paper any more. Students take class notes on their laptops. Classroom lessons are on Power Point. Everyone texts and tweets instead of writing a personal letter. Students learn the QWERTY keyboard in 3rd grade. The Palmer Method of Cursive Handwriting is passe'.
But old habits die hard. We feel an innate need to express our individuality in a unique written script rather than limiting ourselves to Times New Roman. Hence, graffiti exploded onto the American scene simultaneously with the Digital Revolution. And when Steve Jobs' brainchild made its way to Europe so did spray-painted graffiti.
As our trade deficit shows, we were unable to export barbeque, baseball, obesity, or fanny packs. Spray-painted graffiti, though, is as popular world-wide as Barbie dolls.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Calm in the Midst of the Storm
Through painful experience, I've learned the secrets to successfully attending the Lafayette - Lehigh football game:
1. Forget about parking within ten blocks of Lafayette's campus. Tailgaters set up at the crack of dawn and occupy every piece of asphalt south of Cattel Street.
2. Tape your flask to your inner thigh. Gimlet-eyed security thugs will search your bag and frisk you upon entering the stadium even if you are a respectable-looking and extremely sober (at that point anyway) 62 year old.
3. Purchase your game tickets on the first day they become available. This insures that you will be seated in your school's section. Surrounded by your fellow fans, you can heckle the opposition with impunity and fade into a sea of maroon should angry Lehigh folk seek retaliation.
Actually, Secret #3 failed last November. Descending the stadium steps to what should have been a prime Lafayette rooting section, I noted a man clad entirely in Lehigh gear standing behind my designated seat. He was considerably larger than I am and had leverage (seated behind me as he was) to beat me soundly about the head and shoulders should I root too raucously for my beloved Leopards. As a paid-up "Friend of Lafayette Football" I was supposed to get great seats. Instead, I might be having post-game cocktails in the Emergency Room.
Then I noted that his Lehigh gear was festooned with #74 Rackley. Lehigh had a senior lineman named Will Rackley who stood aboput 6'-3", weighed about 300 lbs and had just been named all-League for the second consecutive year. I politely asked, "Are you related to Will Rackley?" "Why, yes, he's my son."
A most pleasant conversation continued throughout the game. Mr Rackley engaged the other Lafayette fans in the vicinity as well. Our section was probably the least raucous in the stadium. Lafayette lost the game, but somehow it wasn't as soul-rending as in previous years. Now the 57 - 7 thrashing that Lehigh laid on us back in '74, that was soul-rending.
Will Rackley was in the news this week. He participated in the NFL Draft Combine and is one of the top ten interior line prospects in this year's draft. For the first time in my life, I'm rooting for a Lehigh kid to make it big. I would love to see Mr Rackley calm a section of Eagles fans if Will was on the opposition.
1. Forget about parking within ten blocks of Lafayette's campus. Tailgaters set up at the crack of dawn and occupy every piece of asphalt south of Cattel Street.
2. Tape your flask to your inner thigh. Gimlet-eyed security thugs will search your bag and frisk you upon entering the stadium even if you are a respectable-looking and extremely sober (at that point anyway) 62 year old.
3. Purchase your game tickets on the first day they become available. This insures that you will be seated in your school's section. Surrounded by your fellow fans, you can heckle the opposition with impunity and fade into a sea of maroon should angry Lehigh folk seek retaliation.
Actually, Secret #3 failed last November. Descending the stadium steps to what should have been a prime Lafayette rooting section, I noted a man clad entirely in Lehigh gear standing behind my designated seat. He was considerably larger than I am and had leverage (seated behind me as he was) to beat me soundly about the head and shoulders should I root too raucously for my beloved Leopards. As a paid-up "Friend of Lafayette Football" I was supposed to get great seats. Instead, I might be having post-game cocktails in the Emergency Room.
Then I noted that his Lehigh gear was festooned with #74 Rackley. Lehigh had a senior lineman named Will Rackley who stood aboput 6'-3", weighed about 300 lbs and had just been named all-League for the second consecutive year. I politely asked, "Are you related to Will Rackley?" "Why, yes, he's my son."
A most pleasant conversation continued throughout the game. Mr Rackley engaged the other Lafayette fans in the vicinity as well. Our section was probably the least raucous in the stadium. Lafayette lost the game, but somehow it wasn't as soul-rending as in previous years. Now the 57 - 7 thrashing that Lehigh laid on us back in '74, that was soul-rending.
Will Rackley was in the news this week. He participated in the NFL Draft Combine and is one of the top ten interior line prospects in this year's draft. For the first time in my life, I'm rooting for a Lehigh kid to make it big. I would love to see Mr Rackley calm a section of Eagles fans if Will was on the opposition.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Comfort Food
As this cold, cold winter lingers, we combat it with comfort foods. It's a long time until bathing suit season so calories are irrelevant. Our taste buds are deactivated due to clogged sinuses so subtle taste doesn't matter. It's time for Comfort Food Classics like meat loaf, mac & cheese, and rice pudding!
Of course here in the Lehigh Valley, a Pennsylvania Dutch staple like chicken & dumplings rises to the top of the Comfort Food Hit Parade. Real PA Dutch C&D is not for the faint-hearted. I once took a customer from Chicago to Walp's Restaurant ("Home Style Dutch Cooking"). A world traveler, he was anxious to try exotic cuisines. We ordered the chicken & dumplings. His comments included: "Shouldn't dumplings float instead of sinking to the bottom of the bowl?", "Is that yellow layer on top of the gravy really pure chicken fat?", and "People eat this for lunch?"
A recent newspaper article surveyed locals regarding their favorite comfort foods. The results were the classics, but this being the Lehigh Valley, there was a caloric-laden twist - grilled cheese sandwiches dunked in hot chocolate before eating. Now there's the PA Dutch Food Pyramid all in one entree. Artery-clogging milk fat with the cheese, carbohydrates from the bread, trans-fats provided by the frying grease, sugars included with the hot chocolate, and unknown artificial ingredients form the marshmallow that undoubtedly capped the cocoa.
Try getting the USDA Food Pyramid all in one entree! PA Dutch food rules!
Of course here in the Lehigh Valley, a Pennsylvania Dutch staple like chicken & dumplings rises to the top of the Comfort Food Hit Parade. Real PA Dutch C&D is not for the faint-hearted. I once took a customer from Chicago to Walp's Restaurant ("Home Style Dutch Cooking"). A world traveler, he was anxious to try exotic cuisines. We ordered the chicken & dumplings. His comments included: "Shouldn't dumplings float instead of sinking to the bottom of the bowl?", "Is that yellow layer on top of the gravy really pure chicken fat?", and "People eat this for lunch?"
A recent newspaper article surveyed locals regarding their favorite comfort foods. The results were the classics, but this being the Lehigh Valley, there was a caloric-laden twist - grilled cheese sandwiches dunked in hot chocolate before eating. Now there's the PA Dutch Food Pyramid all in one entree. Artery-clogging milk fat with the cheese, carbohydrates from the bread, trans-fats provided by the frying grease, sugars included with the hot chocolate, and unknown artificial ingredients form the marshmallow that undoubtedly capped the cocoa.
Try getting the USDA Food Pyramid all in one entree! PA Dutch food rules!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Not-So-Tough Love
The United Nations removed Libya from its position as Chair of the UN Human Rights Commission yesterday. That will teach you to hire mercenaries to kill your own people, Gadaffi!
Actually, having the country behind the Lockerbie airplane and Berlin nightclub bombings on the Human Rights Commission is a bit of a stretch. It is like appointing Charlie Sheen to the board of Narcotics Anonymous.
But maybe the UN was taking the broader view and looking to rehabilitate Libya. Sometimes, assigning the worst perpetrator to clean up the crime scene turns him around. Herbie Schuler was the bad boy of the 3rd grade at James Monroe School. Herbie exhibited his rebellious streak by urinating on the school's radiators. Urine on hot cast iron results in a most unpleasant odor. Herbie was caught in the act one day and marched off to the Principal's Office. The 3rd grade was abuzz with speculation regarding Herbie's fate. Detention, suspension, and (remember this was the 50s) paddling were the most likely outcomes.
We 3rd graders were shocked to find Herbie out in the schoolyard clapping erasers. This was no punishment! Getting out of class to go outside and make big clouds of chalk dust was as close to heaven as an 8 year old boy can get. Herbie also had some radiator and floor scrubbing duty, but his appointment as Eraser Clapper was an outrage.
Yet, this not-so-tough love approach worked. The school radiators remained urine-free as Herbie decided that future acts of rebellion would result in losing his Eraser Clapper priveleges. Maybe this is the approach that UN tried with Libya.
Of course, there were reports that Herbie would urinate on the hopscotch grid when he was clapping the erasers, and now we hear that Gadaffi is bombing his people. Maybe not-so-tough love only works for radiator vandalism.
Actually, having the country behind the Lockerbie airplane and Berlin nightclub bombings on the Human Rights Commission is a bit of a stretch. It is like appointing Charlie Sheen to the board of Narcotics Anonymous.
But maybe the UN was taking the broader view and looking to rehabilitate Libya. Sometimes, assigning the worst perpetrator to clean up the crime scene turns him around. Herbie Schuler was the bad boy of the 3rd grade at James Monroe School. Herbie exhibited his rebellious streak by urinating on the school's radiators. Urine on hot cast iron results in a most unpleasant odor. Herbie was caught in the act one day and marched off to the Principal's Office. The 3rd grade was abuzz with speculation regarding Herbie's fate. Detention, suspension, and (remember this was the 50s) paddling were the most likely outcomes.
We 3rd graders were shocked to find Herbie out in the schoolyard clapping erasers. This was no punishment! Getting out of class to go outside and make big clouds of chalk dust was as close to heaven as an 8 year old boy can get. Herbie also had some radiator and floor scrubbing duty, but his appointment as Eraser Clapper was an outrage.
Yet, this not-so-tough love approach worked. The school radiators remained urine-free as Herbie decided that future acts of rebellion would result in losing his Eraser Clapper priveleges. Maybe this is the approach that UN tried with Libya.
Of course, there were reports that Herbie would urinate on the hopscotch grid when he was clapping the erasers, and now we hear that Gadaffi is bombing his people. Maybe not-so-tough love only works for radiator vandalism.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)