Bike to Work Day

May is National Bike Month and its sponsor, the League of American Bicyclists, designated last Friday as Bike to Work Day.

Alas, it didn't really catch on. Route 22 was not jammed with bicyclists in spandex pedaling their way to work, laptops securely fastened to the handlebars, cell phones to their ears. By the way, don't text and pedal. A distracted bicyclist can easily become an unwilling hood ornament on a speeding 18-wheeler.

Perhaps the reason why Bike to Work Day failed was a lack of fashionable accessories. For women, the League of American Bicyclists recommends:

A skirt garter - Skirts are a summer office staple, but they make biking to work a gauntlet of leering passers-by. Simply fasten an elastic skirt garter to your leg and clip it to your skirt and it won't fly up when that redneck in the pick-up truck breezes by you in the passing lane. The skirt garter's Scottish cousin, the kilt garter, has protected the modesty of Highlanders for years. It was endorsed by Mel Gibson in his "Braveheart" days.

A helmet overlay - No one looks good in a bicycle helmet. You might as well insert your head in half of a hollowed-out bowling ball. And does anyone really believe that the little "wing" on the back really gives you downdraft and allows greater rear wheel traction (and hence speed)? Now, if bicyclists could wear a Darth Vader - type helmet, they would not only get head protection but they could intimidate motorists not unlike rogue motorcyclists. For the ladies, the League recommends a fabric helmet overlay that transforms your helmet outline to a bucket hat with brim. After all, Queen Elizabeth wears that sort of hat all the time. It must be the height of fashion.

Guys are not forgotten in the realm of bicycling fashion accessories:

Cycling shoes - These beauties have an indent on the sole to lock on to your pedals and a stiffening plate for efficient cycling. The only side effect is that wearers tip forward when walking. "Did the boss cycle to work today or is he leaning into the wind because of a three martini lunch?"

Biking Trousers - Spandex shorts do not comply with most Corporate Casual dress codes. The bicycle commuter can opt for these trousers with built in clips to keep them from flapping into the chain and with reflecting panels for safety. "What's with these sparkly lights? Is that Charlie the Biker from Accounting walking down the hallway or did someone turn on the disco ball again?"

Biking Shirt - Most workplaces do not have locker and shower facilities. Bike commuting in summer can be a sweaty proposition. Enter the Biking Shirt. It is not only lightweight and wrinkle-resistant, but it features "sweat wicking" material and has a mesh panel in the back shoulder area so all that perspiration can migrate there and evaporate away. The mesh panel can then be covered with a snap-fastened matching fabric. "Charlie, please snap on your mesh panel cover! I don't care if you're not done sweating. Your back hair is grossing out our best customer."

Maybe Bike to Work Day needs a bit more than fashion accessories to catch on.