A Guide for Campus Visits

It's that time of year for high school juniors and their parents to begin planning summer visits to college campuses. Young Brad and Tiffany will want to see what the dormitories look like and how high the piles of beer cans extend. Hey, you can't expect us to study all the time.

Their parents will be more concerned with tuition and room & board charges. At Pennsylvania state schools this year, these are uncertain. Governor Tom Corbett has slashed state aid by a whopping 50%. Pennsylvania faces a multi-billion dollar budgetary shortfall. Governor Tom swept into office pledging "no tax increases". The suffering must be shared. No more reduced-price lunches for grade schoolers. No raises for teachers. No more art, music, or phys ed instruction in the schools.

And no tax on the natural gas drilled from the about-to-be-developed Marcellus Shale Formation. Energy companies are barely limping by with multi-billion profits nowadays and, if we tax them, they may not drill in PA at all. Of course, they pay state taxes on natural gas drilled everywhere else, but we really need those jobs here in the Keystone State. All those kids who can't afford to go to college and get jobs as teachers (not that there are any teacher jobs) can put on a hard hat and solve America's energy problems by drilling for natural gas.

If young Tiffany's parents don't see her spending her working life as a drilling rig roughneck, this summer's college visits are even more important than in the past. Last week, Governor Tom urged PA state college trustees to address revenue shortfalls by tapping the riches of the Marcellus Shale beneath their campuses. "We are not talking about drilling on top of Old Main, but these schools have a lot of land separate and apart from the academic buildings."

There you have it, parents. Look for the drilling rigs on campuses. They are a sure sign of low tuition. The water in the dormitory showers may occasionally burst into flame and the college pool may full of fracking waste, but at least you can now afford to give Tiff that education that will hopefully keep her out of a hard hat for the rest of her life.

Of course, student visitation tour guides will have to be re-trained. "Here is our beautiful campus Quadangle. On the right is our state-of-the art Computer Center. On the left is our Student Gym chock full of squash courts and the latest exercise equipment. Directly ahead is Deepcampus Horizon, the drilling rig that makes all this possible. It hasn't blown up since my freshman year!"