USA All the Way

Americans are falling behind the rest of the world in many endeavors. Two of the top five basketball prospects in the upcoming NBA draft are guys from Turkey and Lithuania. Hey, we invented basketball! The top-selling cars in the world are Japanese. Henry Ford would be appalled. The Russian AK-47 is the weapon of choice for insurgents. What ever happened to the All-American M-16?

The USA still dominates in Competitive Eating, however. Californian Joey Chestnut will defend his Cheesesteak Eating title this weekend at Dorney Park. He will try to break his record of 19 sandwiches in 10 minutes. Let's see those Turks or Lithuanians top that. USA! USA!

Of course, competitive eating can be a marathon as well as a sprint. Americans rule long-term eating as well. The Associated Press reported yesterday, "A retired prison guard ate his 25,000th Big Mac this week, 39 years to the day after eating his first. Don Gorski was honored after reaching the meaty milestone during a ceremony at McDonald's in his hometown of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin."

Let's put Don's achievement in perspective. 25,000 Big Macs divided by 39 years times 365 days equals about 1.75 double-decker sandwiches every day since May,1972. Old Don has chowed down nearly two Big Macs every day since gas was $0.30 per gallon, and we had to actually get up and turn a knob to change the channel on our TV sets. Dinosaurs may have also roamed the earth in that long-ago era. That is real dedication to The Golden Arches.

Assuming 1/4 pound of meat in each Big Mac and 800 pounds of meat per beef cow, Don has consumed eight entire steers, more or less. Fortunately, Wisconsin, "America's Dairyland", has bovines to spare.

But what about Don's health? McDonald's lists the Big Mac at 576 calories. 3,500 retained calories result in one pound of fat added to the human waistline. If Don didn't exercise over the past 39 years, he would have put on 4,100 pounds. That would be a problem. On the bright side, even the most unruly prisoners would not mess with a 4,000 lb guard.

How much would Don have to exercise to work off those 25,000 Big Macs? Running burns 750 calories per hour. If Don chased his prisoners around the yard for 19,200 hours or about 1.5 hours per day, he could retain the slim, girlish figure that he started with back in '72.

Foreigners may be taking over in basketball, auto manufacture, and weaponry, but when it comes to Competitive Eating, both sprint and marathon, it's USA all the way.