Goodbye, Ronald

No one is immune in this Era of Downsizing - even Ronald McDonald.

Last week, a group called Corporate Accountability International petitioned McDonald's to scrap the iconic clown with full-page newspaper ads. "We ask that you heed our concern and retire your marketing promotions for food high in salt, fat, sugar, and calories to children whatever form they take - from Ronald McDonald to toy giveaways."

A McDonald's press release replied that Ronald is "a force for good". It claimed that Ronald is "a balanced, active lifestyles ambassador, an active athletic clown who plays soccer, shoots hoops, and encourages kids to make healthy lifestyle choices." The Golden Arches note that he is the most famous fast-food mascot beating out Jared the Subway Guy and the Burger King".

Still, one imagines the scene at McDonald's World Headquarters when Ronald is given the inevitable boot:

"Ronald, it is time to pack up your personal belongings and hand in your ID Badge and Parking Pass. The jackbooted Security Guard is here to make sure you don't take any corporate property out the door with you. When we ditched Mayor McCheese, he took a stapler and the Hamburglar absconded with boxes of copier paper."

"Why me, boss? Didn't you just tell the press that I'm a force for good and more popular than Subway Jared or the Burger King?"

"Force for good? Habitat for Humanity is "good", but doesn't make enough profits to keep their CEO in private jets and tax-free offshore investments. This is American Capitalism, son! Good has nothing to do with it. As for Jared and the BK, bear in mind that a Cockney-accented, animated talking lizard is the most popular corporate spokesman nowadays. Popularity is merely a matter of exposure. You will be forgotten quicker than Speedy Alka-Seltzer."

"But, boss what am I to do now? I'm 48 years old and pushing burgers and fries is all I know. Can I stay at a Ronald McDonald House until I find something else?"

"Sorry, Ronald. We gave Grimace a temporary job as a turn-down maid at a Ronald McDonald House and he kept spilling the fries when he put them on our guest's pillows. The grease and salt penetrated our guest's scalps and they ended up in the hospital worse off than their sick kids. We had to move a ton of Shamrock Shakes to pay them off."

"I hate to threaten you, boss. If you let me go, I'll reveal the formula for the Big Mac Special Sauce."

"Go ahead, Ronald. Everyone knows that the "Special Sauce" is Thousand Island Dressing. Shout it from the rooftops if you want. But if you do, we have lots of high-powered lawyers here with nothing to do who would love to sue you for revealing trade secrets. We also have a few friends who have molds for very large concrete overshoes and would be only too happy to fit you for a pair and take you diving in Lake Michigan. By the way, have you heard from Mayor McCheese lately? He went for a boat trip with our friends a while ago."

And so it ends. Crestfallen, Ronald removes the make-up, turns in the yellow jumper and fades into history with Bucky Beaver, The Jolly Green Giant, Mr Whipple, The Maytag Repairman, and so many advertising icons of the past