Half-Time in America

With all the election year talk of America's inevitable decline (if you support my opponent), it was good to take a break, sit back, and enjoy that most patriotic and uplifting of all spectacles, the Super Bowl. Alas, the Super Bowl was held in a domed stadium so we couldn't thrill to a fly-over and a parachute drop delivery of the game ball. We did get both "America the Beautiful" and the National Anthem though and the singers actually knew all the words. This has not always been the case, so the NFL wisely chose country singers as opposed to rock stars for the job this year. The ability to read lyrics from a teleprompter has always been a requirement for country stardom.

I was feeling very Ronald Reagan "Morning in America" until the half-time show. The stadium lights dimmed and a phalanx of muscular young men dressed like extras from "Gladiator" marched onto the field bearing a Cleopatra-clad Madonna. We went from the pre-game Americana of clean-cut patriotic songs in front of giant flags on the field to a half-time reminiscent of the debauchery of the Fall of the Roman Empire. Is the labelling of Super Bowls by Roman numerals a harmless affectation or an ominous bonding of the USA to ancient Rome?

Rick Santorum, here is an issue to reinvigorate your campaign. "When I'm elected President, our new American morality will forbid reproductive rights, gay marriage, and racy Super Bowl half-time shows. I'll insist on stadium sing-alongs to patriotic songs led by Kenny G. and John Tesh."

Newt Gingrich can restore some of that South Carolina momentum. "By the end of my second term, we will not only have an American base on the moon, but I will make it safe for Americans to enjoy Super Bowl half-time with their children by dressing the performers as Sesame Street characters."

Beware, NFL. Abandon the "bread and circus" half-time extravaganza. Maintain the wholesome patriotic feel of pre-game throughout the contest or Big Brother will step in.