The Million Mustache March

Marching on Washington, DC has a long and proud tradition. Noble causes like womens' suffrage and civil rights sparked large demonstrations in our nation's capital. My only experience with DC protests came from the other side of the fence. We newly-minted Second Lieutenants from nearby Fort Belvoir spent a few evenings guarding the Washington Monument during the anti-war protests of the late 60s. "No, ma'm, our rifles do not have ammunition or firing pins. In answer to your other question, that large red brick building over there is the Smithsonian. Admission is free and it has the best rest rooms on the National Mall."

It took 45 years but finally there is a protest for me. The Million Mustache March will assemble in Washington in five weeks to demand a tax credit for hairy-lipped Americans. Taxpayers over 65 or blind get a break, why shouldn't those of us who have to be really careful when eating soup or blowing our nose? Argue that with mustachioed heroes like Chuck Norris or Tom Selleck if you dare.

The Mustache Exemption is not a simple tax dodge like a Cayman Islands bank account. It is not easy to grow a 'stache. In my teens and early 20s, my mother ("You'll look like the bad guy in the movies") and then the Army ("Only Commies like Stalin or Ho Chi Minh have facial hair") wouldn't let me grow one. In my mid-20s, I found that I couldn't grow a good one. Wispy blondish hair above the lip made me look more like a bedraggled alley cat than Burt Reynolds.

Then the Devil's Deal came into effect. As I began losing the hair on my scalp, my facial and body hair flourished. If I was in the mood for a Fu-Manchu or a Rollie Fingers handlebar, just give me a week and there it was. I have had facial hair ever since, more to divert attention from the lack of same above the eyebrows which achieved Andy Rooney caliber bushiness at about the same time.

Don't we deserve a tax break to assuage the painful mockery we receive? "There's something in your mustache, Baldy. Oh, it's your lip." "Storing some of that stew in your 'stache in case you get hungry later?"

Alas, the mockery will continue. The Million Mustache March is scheduled for Sunday, April 1, April Fools Day. It appears to be a cruel prank foisted upon us by the clean-shaven. And I was so looking forward to it.