The Tournament of Fastnachts

Today is Mardi Gras. In New Orleans, there is drunken debauchery to jazz riffs. In Rio, there are parades and dancing to a samba beat. In Venice, there are masked balls to Mozart's music. Thousands of tourists flock to New Orleans, Rio, and Venice for this day. Hotels, restaurants, and bars are filled to capacity.

Here in the Lehigh Valley, today is Fastnacht Day. There is mass consumption of lard-fried, potato-based doughnuts to a polka beat. Hotels, restaurants, and bars stand deserted though there is a crowd at local Fire Stations to purchase those homemade fastnachts. How can the Lehigh Valley promote its Mardi Gras Tradition and bring in all those tourist dollars?

We aren't going to top the sexy costumes, masks, and dancing of New Orleans, Rio, or Venice. Let's copy the more wholesome New Year's tradition of Pasadena and institute the Annual Tournament of Fastnachts. We could parade floats down Route 22. Every float would be entirely covered with fastnachts in various hues, much like the Rose Parade floats are entirely covered in living vegetation. It's got to be better than eating the calorie-laden, semi-digestible things, doesn't it?

Gaily waving to the crowd from each float would be a member of the Fastnacht Queen and Her Court. Now, the Rose Queen is chosen for her looks and the arm strength (needed to continuously wave for hours on end). Our Fastnacht Queen would be chosen after a grueling round of fastnacht eating and doing the Chicken Dance. Put away a dozen potato doughnuts and still be able to Chicken Dance and achieve local immortality!

The Rose Parade features show horses bedecked in finery between the floats. The Lehigh Valley lacks equine quantity and quality to match California, so the Fastnacht Parade will feature packs of decorated motorcycles doing precision manuevers. This also saves on post-parade clean-up. Route 22 has many obstacles (potholes, tire treads, and trash). Let's not add horse droppings to the mix.

The Tournament of Roses concludes with the famed Rose Bowl football game. Alas, football season is three months past by Fastnacht Day. Quoits season is in full swing though and there's nothing that the Lehigh Valley loves more than quoits. Much like the Rose Parade ends at the Rose Bowl and spectators flock in to see what is in many years a championship college football game, our Fastnacht Parade could end at some bar in Easton where spectators would witness world-class quoits tossing.

Take that, New Orleans, Rio, and Venice! There's a new destination for Mardi Gras revelers right here in the Lehigh Valley.