Periodic blood tests are simply a fact of life for those of a certain age. There are few joys to compare to lining up outside the door of the Testing Clinic before its 7 AM opening and jostling for space with other cranky food and caffeine-deprived seniors. Kindly old Gramps and Granny become as mean as Pittsburgh Steelers linemen to be first in to the phlebotomist and hence first out for that blessed Egg McMuffin and McCafe. Walkers, umbrellas, and, failing all else, sharp elbows save their place in line.
There must be a totally different vibe at a new Blood Testing Clinic that just opened in Allentown. According to its Sports Radio ads, it provides "confidential" results directly to the patient with no doctor's script required. But why would anyone go to a phlebotomist unless they had to? Well, it turns out that this new Lab specializes in testing "for things that you don't want on your medical records, like STDs and paternity" according to the radio ad. One imagines the Lab's clientele sporting sunglasses, wearing hooded sweatshirts, speaking softly, and generally seeking anonymity, not unlike convenience store hold-up artists.
The last time I went in for a blood test, a fellow customer wore sanitary gloves and sprayed the waiting room seat with disinfectant before being seated. "What a germophobe," I thought. Should I ever go to the new "confidential" Lab, I might wear two sets of sanitary gloves and bathe in Lysol before and after. Whatever that shifty-looking guy in the next chair doesn't want on his medical records is probably something I should avoid.
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