The Cleanest Tournament

There are many reasons for a corporate giant to cough up big bucks to sponsor a PGA golf tournament:

Free publicity. "And the winner of the Citibank (We're too big to fail!) Open is yet another unathletic-looking white guy dressed in pastel polyester." That single mention on national TV is cheaper than training a talking gecko.

Networking opportunities. "Let's invite that Congressman who is trying to investigate us into the Pro-Am. Pair him up with Phil Mikkelsen and he'll forget all about our sticking gas pedals."

The chance to hook up with Tiger Woods' partying rejects.

This weekend will feature the Waste Management Phoenix Open. While most of us are driving behind a lumbering Waste Management garbage truck in the snow, pro golfers (and WM management) will be putting away in the Arizona sunshine. "Those Waste Management guys may have inverted our garbage can on the grass and killed it. They may raise our garbage rates every year. But it's all worth it if I can fantasize about playing golf on a course that otherwise wouldn't let me through the gate."

Still, it is a sign of the tough economic times that the PGA is reduced to allowing a Waste Management into the hallowed hall of tournament sponsors. What with the Merrill Lynches, Buicks, and Wachovias of the world hurting financially, the PGA is reduced to second-tier sponsors. Or maybe a Tony Soprano-like "waste management consultant" made them an offer they couldn't refuse.

At any rate, the Phoenix Open is sure to be the cleanest tournament around. "Yo, buddy. Either you drop that beer cup into the WM Recycling Container, or I deposit your broken kneecaps there."