Old Wives Tale Debunked

Certain myths or Old Wives' Tales can be proven:

"No two snowflakes are alike." Actually, this one displayed on my special cold, cold microscope strongly resembles one that fell on Siberia back in 1842. Make reservations for the Nobel Prize Ceremony, Watson! We've got a winner.

"Eating bread crusts gives you curly hair." Richard Simmons admitted that back in his "fat" days, he ate nothing but bread crusts. Today's "thin" Richard Simmons hasn't eaten a bread crust in years and all those curls are falling out. As mathematicians say, "QED".

"Eyes placed closely together are a sign of a criminal mind." Prince Charles' eyes are so close together that he has to alternate blinking with each eye or they jam like a pair of bad windshield wipers. Has anyone inventoried the Crown Jewels of England lately?

A little-known Danish Old Wives' Tale states that it is possible to get drunk by immersing one's bare feet in alcohol. Researchers at Hillerod Hospital soaked their feet in a tub containing three bottles of vodka for three hours. They measured blood alcohol concentrations every half hour and rated themselves on a scale of one to ten on self-confidence, urge to speak, and the number of times they desired spontaneous hugs. Apparently, Danish drunks are self-confident, voluble, and affectionate as opposed to inebriates in the rest of the world who are depressed, vulgar, and combative.

The researchers reported that they found no evidence of absorption of alcohol. This is reassuring because I was planning on driving my car wearing boots full of vodka over the holidays. It's really good for bunions and toenail fungus doesn't stand a chance.

This research was actually published presumably with a grant to finance it. After all, they had to purchase the vodka and it is not rrecyclable. Even Danes wouldn't risk sock lint or toe jam in a celebratory Screwdriver or Cosmopolitan after the test. There is only one group that would - college students.

To graduate with honors in Science or Engineering back in the day, seniors had to develop and conduct a unique research project. I foolishly spent hours in the lab applying cathodic protection to prevent stainless steel from corroding in an acidic environment. I could have been dipping my feet in vodka and (waste not, want not) guzzling my experiment after I wrote it up. This Old Wives Tale should have been debunked years ago.