Chuck Berry is appearing at the State Theater here in Easton in November. What does this mean to roots rock fans like me? Might art historians get excited if Leonardo showed up at the Louvre to explain what that Mona Lisa smile was really all about. Would the Supreme Court let James Madison in the door to explain what he really meant by the 2nd amendment? Would Bill and Ted like to get Socrates, Joan of Arc and the rest to spice up their presentation in history class?
Chuck Berry came into my life in the late 50s. One night, I was fiddling with my prized transistor radio hoping that I could catch the Indians baseball game on WWWE out of Cleveland. It had to be better than Perez Prado's "Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White" or Pat Boone's "Endless Sleep" on the local stations. Elvis had ushered in the Rock and Roll Era a few years before but local radio stuck to the standards.
I heard a guitar riff like I'd never heard before and lyrics that cut to the depths of my pre-teen soul:
"Up in the morning and off to school
The teacher is teaching the Golden Rule
American History and Practical Math
Studyin' hard. Hopin' you'll pass
Workin' your fingers right down to the bone
Guy behind you won't leave you alone"
I could identify with this. It got even better.
"Soon as three o'clock rolls around
It's time to lay your burden down
Close up your books. Get out of your seat
Down the halls and into the street
Up to the corner and round the bend
Right to the juke joint you go in"
"Drop the coin right into the slot
Got to hear something that's really hot
With the one you love you're making romance
All day long you've been wanting to dance
Feeling the music from head to toe
Round and round and round you go"
"Hail, Hail Rock and Roll
Deliver me from the days of old
Long live rock and roll
The beat of the drums loud and bold
Rock Rock Rock and Roll
The feeling is there body and soul"
Now there was an anthem for a middle school kid. There was music I could believe in as opposed to Patti Page (The Singing Rage) with "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?" or Dean Martin with "That's Amore".
By the time I got to high school, there were actually radio stations that played rock and roll all the time. Granted, it was usually covers of black performers by white groups, but every now and then I'd catch Chuck doing "Maybelline" or "Johnny B. Goode". It made growing up in a world where Perry Como had hit records more bearable.
Thanks, Chuck. I'll be there to see you.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Donald's Flagpole
Robert Boysen stands up for those oppressed multi-millionaires and against increasing their income tax rates in a recent Letter to the Editor. "Paying an extra $50K or so in taxes will not affect a multi-millionaire's lifestyle. Spending more than a mere few hundred thousand dollars per year on personal consumption is an extremely rare thing among multi-millionaires." I beg to differ, Robert. Have you seen the prices for Lamborghinis lately? That's $200K right there and a guy has still got to eat.
Robert continues, "So what does the multi-millionaire do with the rest of his income? Why, he invests it of course. Paying an extra $50K in taxes will just decrease what he will invest. So the salient question is not one of fairness, but who will better utilize the $50K - the multi-millionaire or the government? Is it better for our society for this money to be invested by thousands of successful people motivated by economic success or spent by our legislators who are chiefly motivated by political appearances?"
What a pretty picture! Millionaires are freed from that onerous tax yoke. Investments soar. Steel mills and auto assembly plants spring up in every neighborhood. Everyone has a good-paying job.
The trouble is that we already tried it and it didn't work out that way. In 1980, the maximum tax rate was 70%. Presidents Reagan, Bush I and Bush II cut it in half to the current 35%. Multi-millionaires had tons more money, and, guess what Robert?, they speculated with it. Either they made scads more money or they went with Bernie Madoff and are in line at the local Food Bank. Regardless, these "thousands of successful people motivated by economic success" made choices that led to the unemployment rate doubling since 1980.
On the bright side, Donald Trump did save enough on taxes that he could go to court and get approval for the tallest flag pole in his gated Florida community. Psychological implications?
Actually, the salient question IS one of fairness, Robert. Far and away, the bulk of Federal outlays go to Social Security, Medicare, and Defense. Let's assume that we don't want Main Street, USA to resemble Mother Teresa's doorstep in Calcutta awash in starving, dying indigent oldsters. Also, unilateral disarmament is probably a bad idea in this dangerous world. The Federal government needs money, so who sends it in on April 15th? Joe Sixpack makes $50 K per year and pays 25% in taxes leaving him with $37.5 K. Reginald Gotbucks makes $1 million and has to get by on a mere $650 K after taxes. Both Joe and Reg pay the same $1 for that McDonald's Value Menu Double Cheeseburger. It's just that Reg can buy 20 times more of them than Joe. After basic living expenses, Reg can afford to toss a few more bucks at Uncle Sam than Joe. It's called progressive taxation. It's also called fairness.
If we're talking major corporation, of course, all bets are off. General Electric made billions in profits last year and paid zero in Federal taxes. The "successful people motivated by economic success" at GE chose to invest their profits in off-shore investments and clever tax lawyers. I guess that is "better for society", Robert.
Robert continues, "So what does the multi-millionaire do with the rest of his income? Why, he invests it of course. Paying an extra $50K in taxes will just decrease what he will invest. So the salient question is not one of fairness, but who will better utilize the $50K - the multi-millionaire or the government? Is it better for our society for this money to be invested by thousands of successful people motivated by economic success or spent by our legislators who are chiefly motivated by political appearances?"
What a pretty picture! Millionaires are freed from that onerous tax yoke. Investments soar. Steel mills and auto assembly plants spring up in every neighborhood. Everyone has a good-paying job.
The trouble is that we already tried it and it didn't work out that way. In 1980, the maximum tax rate was 70%. Presidents Reagan, Bush I and Bush II cut it in half to the current 35%. Multi-millionaires had tons more money, and, guess what Robert?, they speculated with it. Either they made scads more money or they went with Bernie Madoff and are in line at the local Food Bank. Regardless, these "thousands of successful people motivated by economic success" made choices that led to the unemployment rate doubling since 1980.
On the bright side, Donald Trump did save enough on taxes that he could go to court and get approval for the tallest flag pole in his gated Florida community. Psychological implications?
Actually, the salient question IS one of fairness, Robert. Far and away, the bulk of Federal outlays go to Social Security, Medicare, and Defense. Let's assume that we don't want Main Street, USA to resemble Mother Teresa's doorstep in Calcutta awash in starving, dying indigent oldsters. Also, unilateral disarmament is probably a bad idea in this dangerous world. The Federal government needs money, so who sends it in on April 15th? Joe Sixpack makes $50 K per year and pays 25% in taxes leaving him with $37.5 K. Reginald Gotbucks makes $1 million and has to get by on a mere $650 K after taxes. Both Joe and Reg pay the same $1 for that McDonald's Value Menu Double Cheeseburger. It's just that Reg can buy 20 times more of them than Joe. After basic living expenses, Reg can afford to toss a few more bucks at Uncle Sam than Joe. It's called progressive taxation. It's also called fairness.
If we're talking major corporation, of course, all bets are off. General Electric made billions in profits last year and paid zero in Federal taxes. The "successful people motivated by economic success" at GE chose to invest their profits in off-shore investments and clever tax lawyers. I guess that is "better for society", Robert.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
What Would John Wayne Do?
Pennsylvania seeks to join more manly states in enacting the "Castle Doctrine" gun law. PA law currently allows us to empty our Glocks at any unwelcome intruders into our homes. "Eat lead, scumbags, this is my Castle! Oops, sorry about that, Aunt Eunice and Uncle Fred. We weren't expecting you until later."
Our Castle does not extend past our property line though. Keystone State courts have ruled that we have the duty to "retreat from danger" if we feel threatened in a public space. Did John Wayne retreat from all those Indians in "Fort Apache"? If Fort Apache was in Macungie, he would have had to do so.
A news item from last week provides a powerful argument for Castle Doctrine supporters. A 200 pound bear wandered into a Poconos housing development looking for food. The bruin spied and headed toward a 2 year old girl holding, ironically, Gummi Bears candy. "What have these humans done to my cubs? They shrunk them, colored them, and are eating them!"
The girl's playmates raised an alarm. A neighbor assayed the situation, retrieved his trusty handgun, and fired three shots into the ground between the toddler and the bear. The bruin fled and the girl and the Gummi Bears were saved.
Technically, the neighbor fired those shots outside his personal Castle and violated the law. Are Pennsylvanians to place our children and our candy in danger from marauding wildlife simply because we cannot fire hot lead across property lines? Texans and Floridians can fire at will when threatened. Why can't we?
Our Castle does not extend past our property line though. Keystone State courts have ruled that we have the duty to "retreat from danger" if we feel threatened in a public space. Did John Wayne retreat from all those Indians in "Fort Apache"? If Fort Apache was in Macungie, he would have had to do so.
A news item from last week provides a powerful argument for Castle Doctrine supporters. A 200 pound bear wandered into a Poconos housing development looking for food. The bruin spied and headed toward a 2 year old girl holding, ironically, Gummi Bears candy. "What have these humans done to my cubs? They shrunk them, colored them, and are eating them!"
The girl's playmates raised an alarm. A neighbor assayed the situation, retrieved his trusty handgun, and fired three shots into the ground between the toddler and the bear. The bruin fled and the girl and the Gummi Bears were saved.
Technically, the neighbor fired those shots outside his personal Castle and violated the law. Are Pennsylvanians to place our children and our candy in danger from marauding wildlife simply because we cannot fire hot lead across property lines? Texans and Floridians can fire at will when threatened. Why can't we?
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Flawed Study
There are certain questions that most of us answer untruthfully. "Is she better-looking than I was at that age?" "Can you drive home after drinking those beers?" "Who left the toilet seat up?"
The most fudged answer though is "Oh, just a few drinks socially. On weekends, you know" when queried about one's typical alcohol consumption. That question is asked before you see any doctor for the first time or before you give blood. The medical staff, no doubt, doubles that "2 to 4 drinks per week" figure when they enter it onto your records.
Or maybe they more than double it. A recent study claims that heavy drinkers are more likely to catch pneumonia than tee-totalers. "Only the biggest imbibers - men who said they had more than 50 drinks per week - are at higher risk of infection."
Ponder that for a moment. 50 drinks per week is 7 each and every day. I find it hard to believe that even Joe Sixpack Every Night will admit to his alcohol consumption. He might brag about it to his buddies, but never to a medical researcher. Clearly, this study is flawed. Unless that research team is counting the empty Bud Lite bottles in Joe's recycling bin, they are applying a "fudge factor" to what Joe is telling them. "Look at the beer gut on that guy, Doctor. He says he has six drinks per week. I'll put him down for sixty."
The study extended over 12 years. The "biggest imbibers" tossed down 50 drinks per weeks times 52 weeks per year times 12 years which comes to more than 30,000 beers. After 30,000 beers, pneumonia is probably the least of one's health concerns. This is a flawed study, all right.
The most fudged answer though is "Oh, just a few drinks socially. On weekends, you know" when queried about one's typical alcohol consumption. That question is asked before you see any doctor for the first time or before you give blood. The medical staff, no doubt, doubles that "2 to 4 drinks per week" figure when they enter it onto your records.
Or maybe they more than double it. A recent study claims that heavy drinkers are more likely to catch pneumonia than tee-totalers. "Only the biggest imbibers - men who said they had more than 50 drinks per week - are at higher risk of infection."
Ponder that for a moment. 50 drinks per week is 7 each and every day. I find it hard to believe that even Joe Sixpack Every Night will admit to his alcohol consumption. He might brag about it to his buddies, but never to a medical researcher. Clearly, this study is flawed. Unless that research team is counting the empty Bud Lite bottles in Joe's recycling bin, they are applying a "fudge factor" to what Joe is telling them. "Look at the beer gut on that guy, Doctor. He says he has six drinks per week. I'll put him down for sixty."
The study extended over 12 years. The "biggest imbibers" tossed down 50 drinks per weeks times 52 weeks per year times 12 years which comes to more than 30,000 beers. After 30,000 beers, pneumonia is probably the least of one's health concerns. This is a flawed study, all right.
Friday, June 24, 2011
A Better World Through Golf
There is a lot of bad news in the sports world. The NFL lockout drags on (What will we do on autumn Sundays without football? Yard work? Actually talk to our families? Spend our betting money on food and clothing?). I was not drafted by the NBA (and I played as many minutes of college basketball last year, zero, as the #3 overall draft choice, some guy from Turkey). The Phillie Phanatic was struck down (but not out) by a foul ball.
The lone feel-good story was Rory McIlroy's triumph in the US Open. The 22 year-old golfer from Northern Ireland dominated the field and was proclaimed as the Tiger Woods of the 2010s. Rory will have a tall bill to fill to match Tiger. After Tiger's US Open win ten years ago, his father said that he (Tiger) would change the world and that it "would be a better place to live in by virtue of his existence."
Tiger fell a bit short of the accomplishments of Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Gandhi, but maybe young Mr McIlroy can use golf as a means to improve the human condition. What if Rory uses the music of his countryman Van Morrison as background when he is on the links? The wealthy crowd of investment bankers and hedge fund traders that follows him around can't help but be transported back to their carefree (and less tight-fisted) college days by the sounds of "Brown-Eyed Girl" or "Gloria".
"What was the name of that impoverished African country that we should maybe give a loan to? Sounds like... G-A-M-B-I-A. Gambia! I'm gonna shout all night. Gambia! Let's give them the loan."
It may not change the world, but more exposure to Van Morrison's music will definitely make it a better place to live. Go, Rory!
The lone feel-good story was Rory McIlroy's triumph in the US Open. The 22 year-old golfer from Northern Ireland dominated the field and was proclaimed as the Tiger Woods of the 2010s. Rory will have a tall bill to fill to match Tiger. After Tiger's US Open win ten years ago, his father said that he (Tiger) would change the world and that it "would be a better place to live in by virtue of his existence."
Tiger fell a bit short of the accomplishments of Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Gandhi, but maybe young Mr McIlroy can use golf as a means to improve the human condition. What if Rory uses the music of his countryman Van Morrison as background when he is on the links? The wealthy crowd of investment bankers and hedge fund traders that follows him around can't help but be transported back to their carefree (and less tight-fisted) college days by the sounds of "Brown-Eyed Girl" or "Gloria".
"What was the name of that impoverished African country that we should maybe give a loan to? Sounds like... G-A-M-B-I-A. Gambia! I'm gonna shout all night. Gambia! Let's give them the loan."
It may not change the world, but more exposure to Van Morrison's music will definitely make it a better place to live. Go, Rory!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Life in the ER
It isn't easy being green.
America's (or at least Philadelphia's) favorite furry, emerald-hued mascot, the Phanatic was struck by a foul ball while performing at an Iron Pigs game last night. The Phanatic was taken from the field and sent to LV Hospital's Emergency Room. First, Chase Utley's knee, then Brad Lidge's elbow, and now the Phanatic. The injury bug is running rampant through our Fightin' Phils.
Emergency Room personnel must be used to unusual sights and stories. "So you claim you accidentally sat on that piece of fusilli, Mr Costanza (Seinfeld episode reference)." "It was after you left the Awards Show wearing that dress made of meat that the pack of stray dogs attacked you, Miss GaGa." "The cuts on your head came from shaving off half of your hair in public, Miss Spears."
Still, the ER staff at LVH will be recounting the night when a furry green creature came in with a possible concussion for a long time. "Now follow this light with your eyes. Wait a minute, your eyes are ping pong balls with painted-on pupils. OMG, they are maximally dilated. That's not good. Open your mouth and say Ah-h-h. You can't open your mouth? This could be lockjaw / tetanus. Holy cow! Your head comes right off. There's a person inside you! You've eaten a person??? Call Security!"
But seriously folks...According to news reports, the Phanatic was released after testing at the Emergency Room. He will be as good as new much to the relief of all Phillies fans.
America's (or at least Philadelphia's) favorite furry, emerald-hued mascot, the Phanatic was struck by a foul ball while performing at an Iron Pigs game last night. The Phanatic was taken from the field and sent to LV Hospital's Emergency Room. First, Chase Utley's knee, then Brad Lidge's elbow, and now the Phanatic. The injury bug is running rampant through our Fightin' Phils.
Emergency Room personnel must be used to unusual sights and stories. "So you claim you accidentally sat on that piece of fusilli, Mr Costanza (Seinfeld episode reference)." "It was after you left the Awards Show wearing that dress made of meat that the pack of stray dogs attacked you, Miss GaGa." "The cuts on your head came from shaving off half of your hair in public, Miss Spears."
Still, the ER staff at LVH will be recounting the night when a furry green creature came in with a possible concussion for a long time. "Now follow this light with your eyes. Wait a minute, your eyes are ping pong balls with painted-on pupils. OMG, they are maximally dilated. That's not good. Open your mouth and say Ah-h-h. You can't open your mouth? This could be lockjaw / tetanus. Holy cow! Your head comes right off. There's a person inside you! You've eaten a person??? Call Security!"
But seriously folks...According to news reports, the Phanatic was released after testing at the Emergency Room. He will be as good as new much to the relief of all Phillies fans.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sequel Mania
Why would anyone pay $9 or more to see a first-run movie when you can wait a few weeks and catch it on Video On Demand or on Blu-Ray at home? The popcorn is a lot cheaper and you can make rude remarks without getting nasty looks from that weird guy in the back row wearing a raincoat.
Hollywood has discovered the answer. Make sequels. "Pirates of the Caribbean 4" posted $950 billion in world-wide earnings this spring placing it #10 all-time in box office receipts (Take that, "Citizen Kane") and #1 for a movie based on a ride at Disney World trouncing "Mr Toad's Wild Ride - The Movie".
POTC 4's record may soon be surpassed with the release of "Transformers 3 - The Dark of the Moon". The "Transformers" franchise has out-performed the other kid's toy based movies like "GI Joe - When Kung Fu Grip Isn't Enough" and "Slinky's Apocalypse Now". What 13 year old boy won't squander his allowance to be the first kid in his class to thrill to giant robots destroying major world cities while a scantily-clad Megan Fox runs in terror?
But that's the potential problem with "Transformers 3". Megan Fox is not in it. She started filming, but, according to Director Michael Bay, "She spent most of her time on her Blackberry. She seemed like an actress who didn't want to be a part of it." Oh, by the way, Megan also compared Mr Bay to Hitler in an interview during filming.
Megan, Megan, Megan...Johnny Depp can get away with dissing the director of his movie franchise. It's not like there are a whole lot of actors out there who can pull off Captain Jack Sparrow (unless they're on some serious drugs anyway). But with good implants (dental and otherwise) and a few months of Pilates almost any 25 year old girl can bounce across the screen and ignite the hormones (and loosen the wallets) of the male teen cinema viewing public.
Megan Fox or no Megan Fox, it is likely that "Transformers 3" will last longer in theaters than that other kid's toy based blockbuster "Hula Hoop - The Lord of the Rings".
Hollywood has discovered the answer. Make sequels. "Pirates of the Caribbean 4" posted $950 billion in world-wide earnings this spring placing it #10 all-time in box office receipts (Take that, "Citizen Kane") and #1 for a movie based on a ride at Disney World trouncing "Mr Toad's Wild Ride - The Movie".
POTC 4's record may soon be surpassed with the release of "Transformers 3 - The Dark of the Moon". The "Transformers" franchise has out-performed the other kid's toy based movies like "GI Joe - When Kung Fu Grip Isn't Enough" and "Slinky's Apocalypse Now". What 13 year old boy won't squander his allowance to be the first kid in his class to thrill to giant robots destroying major world cities while a scantily-clad Megan Fox runs in terror?
But that's the potential problem with "Transformers 3". Megan Fox is not in it. She started filming, but, according to Director Michael Bay, "She spent most of her time on her Blackberry. She seemed like an actress who didn't want to be a part of it." Oh, by the way, Megan also compared Mr Bay to Hitler in an interview during filming.
Megan, Megan, Megan...Johnny Depp can get away with dissing the director of his movie franchise. It's not like there are a whole lot of actors out there who can pull off Captain Jack Sparrow (unless they're on some serious drugs anyway). But with good implants (dental and otherwise) and a few months of Pilates almost any 25 year old girl can bounce across the screen and ignite the hormones (and loosen the wallets) of the male teen cinema viewing public.
Megan Fox or no Megan Fox, it is likely that "Transformers 3" will last longer in theaters than that other kid's toy based blockbuster "Hula Hoop - The Lord of the Rings".
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Career Guidance
Thousands of Liberal Arts majors entered the work force after college commencement this spring. Despite their creativity and writing skills, jobs are hard to find. Perhaps it is time to "think outside the box" and consider a career in the over-the-counter pharmaceutical industry.
OTC drugs are not regulated by the FDA. Drug labels can make any claim they want and get away with it. A Liberal Arts major with a creative writing bent was probably responsible for the statement on my Fish Oil capsule bottle that the enclosed product "may reduce coronary heart disease risk" (or, then again, it may not). The label further claims that it "comes from deep ocean waters. Our fish oil is not supplied from farm-raised fish." (Aargh, it's off to the deep ocean waters, matey. We seek the oiliest fish. We will pass up that farm by the shore and anchor by that Deepwater Horizon in the Gulf.)
The Liberal Arts major might have needed some help from a engineer to write, "State of the art molecular distillation is used to remove PCBs, dioxin, and turane which guarantees purity and potency." (So we have state of the art molecular distillation on our fish oil capsules while we can't kill off the e-coli on bean sprouts in Europe?)
The finest example of the creative writer's craft is the claim that these fish oil capsules are "burp-less". (I certainly will not purchase fish oil that causes me to belch anchovy breath in public. Give me the burp-less stuff.)
If you Liberal Arts majors seek gainful employment, retain your creative writing skills, but leave your conscience at the corporate door.
OTC drugs are not regulated by the FDA. Drug labels can make any claim they want and get away with it. A Liberal Arts major with a creative writing bent was probably responsible for the statement on my Fish Oil capsule bottle that the enclosed product "may reduce coronary heart disease risk" (or, then again, it may not). The label further claims that it "comes from deep ocean waters. Our fish oil is not supplied from farm-raised fish." (Aargh, it's off to the deep ocean waters, matey. We seek the oiliest fish. We will pass up that farm by the shore and anchor by that Deepwater Horizon in the Gulf.)
The Liberal Arts major might have needed some help from a engineer to write, "State of the art molecular distillation is used to remove PCBs, dioxin, and turane which guarantees purity and potency." (So we have state of the art molecular distillation on our fish oil capsules while we can't kill off the e-coli on bean sprouts in Europe?)
The finest example of the creative writer's craft is the claim that these fish oil capsules are "burp-less". (I certainly will not purchase fish oil that causes me to belch anchovy breath in public. Give me the burp-less stuff.)
If you Liberal Arts majors seek gainful employment, retain your creative writing skills, but leave your conscience at the corporate door.
Monday, June 20, 2011
The FDR Challenge
Rookie's Sports Bar in Allentown will re-open soon as the Queen City branch of Roosevelt's 21st of Bethlehem. The new owners will offer the same menu as that at the Bethlehem location to include the Famous FDR Challenge. This gastronomic tribute to our 32d president gives Allentonians a mere 30 minutes to devour three half-pound burgers, three slices of pork roll, three fried eggs, and six pieces of bacon plus a large helping of chili cheese fries. The wait staff is fully trained in CPR. Defibrillators are available on site and the Cardiac Emergency Room at all local hospitals are on high alert.
FDR famously pronounced, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well, that and 4,000 calories of cholesterol-laden fried food in a sitting.
At which of the Five Stages of Drunkenness would one be tempted to take the Famous FDR Challenge?
Clever - Here you are an expert on every topic under the sun and anyone who disagrees with you is obviously wrong. This is not the time for the Challenge. It is difficult to spew insults at your fellow drinkers with a mouth full of chili cheese fries..
Attractive - Obviously you are the most attractive person in the establishment and everyone wants to meet you. You remain sufficiently sober to realize that even Brad Pitt would look bad with egg yolk dripping down his shirt and semi-masticated bacon between his teeth. No Challenge yet.
Rich - Your bottomless wallet allows you to bet on whether the ballplayer on TV will scratch his groin area before the next pitch. Because you are clever, you win. You can afford to buy drinks for the college girls in the corner booth and because you are attractive, you won't be going home alone tonight. The Challenge can wait. Those girls might want to leave in the next 30 minutes.
Bulletproof - You could pound Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers into submission without even breaking a sweat. This is the point where the devious wait staff mentions the Challenge and, of course, you accept.
Maudlin - This is the final stage of drunkenness. Your regrets at your maltreatment of those near and dear to you are exceeded only by the extreme digestive distress from the Challenge.
FDR famously pronounced, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well, that and 4,000 calories of cholesterol-laden fried food in a sitting.
At which of the Five Stages of Drunkenness would one be tempted to take the Famous FDR Challenge?
Clever - Here you are an expert on every topic under the sun and anyone who disagrees with you is obviously wrong. This is not the time for the Challenge. It is difficult to spew insults at your fellow drinkers with a mouth full of chili cheese fries..
Attractive - Obviously you are the most attractive person in the establishment and everyone wants to meet you. You remain sufficiently sober to realize that even Brad Pitt would look bad with egg yolk dripping down his shirt and semi-masticated bacon between his teeth. No Challenge yet.
Rich - Your bottomless wallet allows you to bet on whether the ballplayer on TV will scratch his groin area before the next pitch. Because you are clever, you win. You can afford to buy drinks for the college girls in the corner booth and because you are attractive, you won't be going home alone tonight. The Challenge can wait. Those girls might want to leave in the next 30 minutes.
Bulletproof - You could pound Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers into submission without even breaking a sweat. This is the point where the devious wait staff mentions the Challenge and, of course, you accept.
Maudlin - This is the final stage of drunkenness. Your regrets at your maltreatment of those near and dear to you are exceeded only by the extreme digestive distress from the Challenge.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Singing Anarchists
Those "anarchists and criminals" spoil everything.
More than 150 people were injured after rioting in downtown Vancouver following the Canucks' loss in the Stanley Cup Final. Rioters clashed with police, torched cars, smashed windows and looted stores. Where did those Vancouverites think they were - Detroit? Rioting after your pro sports team wins or loses a championship final is as American as apple pie, assault weapons in every home, or refusal of medical insurance due to a pre-existing condition. It's one of the reasons we kicked your Canadian behinds in The War of 1812. We can do it. You can't.
Vancouver's Police Chief blamed a small group of "anarchists and criminals" for the violence. Anarchists? Anarchy went out of style around World War I and you can't tell an anarchist just by looking at him. Why not do the American thing and blame a specific ethnic or religious group? It makes revenge on the innocent so much easier.
It's a different world north of the border. During the national anthems before the Canucks - Bruins game, Canadians stood respectfully for the Star Spangled Banner and didn't boo ot catcall. Like that would happen in Boston or Philly. After the first stanza of the Canadian anthem, the singer raised his microphone and the crowd lustily belted out its lyrics a capella. Those Canadians actually knew the words unlike we Americans who still haven't figured out whether our bright stars and broad stripes gleam through the perilous fight or night or both or neither.
Is it worth it to live in a country with anarchists if that country also has a singable national anthem? Oh, and you can Cuban cigars there, too.
More than 150 people were injured after rioting in downtown Vancouver following the Canucks' loss in the Stanley Cup Final. Rioters clashed with police, torched cars, smashed windows and looted stores. Where did those Vancouverites think they were - Detroit? Rioting after your pro sports team wins or loses a championship final is as American as apple pie, assault weapons in every home, or refusal of medical insurance due to a pre-existing condition. It's one of the reasons we kicked your Canadian behinds in The War of 1812. We can do it. You can't.
Vancouver's Police Chief blamed a small group of "anarchists and criminals" for the violence. Anarchists? Anarchy went out of style around World War I and you can't tell an anarchist just by looking at him. Why not do the American thing and blame a specific ethnic or religious group? It makes revenge on the innocent so much easier.
It's a different world north of the border. During the national anthems before the Canucks - Bruins game, Canadians stood respectfully for the Star Spangled Banner and didn't boo ot catcall. Like that would happen in Boston or Philly. After the first stanza of the Canadian anthem, the singer raised his microphone and the crowd lustily belted out its lyrics a capella. Those Canadians actually knew the words unlike we Americans who still haven't figured out whether our bright stars and broad stripes gleam through the perilous fight or night or both or neither.
Is it worth it to live in a country with anarchists if that country also has a singable national anthem? Oh, and you can Cuban cigars there, too.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Guidance Counselor's Dilemma
In 1961 there was no such thing as "social promotion". Kids actually repeated a school year if their academic performance wasn't up to snuff. This made for fun 8th grade gym classes when we prepubescent 12 and 13 year olds competed with bearded, testosterone-fueled 15 and 16 year olds. It was embarrassing enough to be pinned to the wrestling mat by a third-try eighth grader. It was worse to wear a gauze pad over the beard stubble contusion that he left behind for the remainder of the school day.
Time does, in fact, heal all wounds. Most of the third-try eighth graders quit school as soon as they turned 16 and went on to a lucrative position at the local Car Wash. Minimum wage in those days was $1.25 per hour. That doesn't sound like much, but bear in mind that a six-pack of beer was only $1.25 back then. Work an hour, buy a six-pack seemed like a pretty good deal at the time.
Fifty years later, there is a better reason for some 16 year olds to quit school. Jeremy Tyler bailed out of high school after his sophomore year and signed a $140,000 contract to play pro basketball in Israel. At age 17, he packed up his sneakers and baggy shorts for a $250K contract in Japan. Having turned 18, he is now eligible to play in the NBA, average salary $5 million. Of course, it helps that Jeremy is 6'-10", 260 lbs, and can jump through the ceiling.
For all I know, Jeremy was a straight A student. Assuming that he was a third-try, 16 year old eighth grader, though would create a classic Guidance Counselor Training Session.
"Now, Jeremy, we need to choose which courses you will take next year in ninth grade. You'll need to take Geometry and Spanish if you hope to get into college."
"Actually, I was thinking of taking Conversational Hebrew this year and Fundamentals of Japanese the year after that. I'll be paid about $400K for my trouble which is more than you'll make in 10 years."
How does a Guidance Counselor answer that one?
Time does, in fact, heal all wounds. Most of the third-try eighth graders quit school as soon as they turned 16 and went on to a lucrative position at the local Car Wash. Minimum wage in those days was $1.25 per hour. That doesn't sound like much, but bear in mind that a six-pack of beer was only $1.25 back then. Work an hour, buy a six-pack seemed like a pretty good deal at the time.
Fifty years later, there is a better reason for some 16 year olds to quit school. Jeremy Tyler bailed out of high school after his sophomore year and signed a $140,000 contract to play pro basketball in Israel. At age 17, he packed up his sneakers and baggy shorts for a $250K contract in Japan. Having turned 18, he is now eligible to play in the NBA, average salary $5 million. Of course, it helps that Jeremy is 6'-10", 260 lbs, and can jump through the ceiling.
For all I know, Jeremy was a straight A student. Assuming that he was a third-try, 16 year old eighth grader, though would create a classic Guidance Counselor Training Session.
"Now, Jeremy, we need to choose which courses you will take next year in ninth grade. You'll need to take Geometry and Spanish if you hope to get into college."
"Actually, I was thinking of taking Conversational Hebrew this year and Fundamentals of Japanese the year after that. I'll be paid about $400K for my trouble which is more than you'll make in 10 years."
How does a Guidance Counselor answer that one?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Kardashians to the Rescue
Economists use indicators to measure the otherwise unmeasurable. Increased sales of durable goods indicate long-term economic strength. Increased first-time unemployment applications lead to reduced demand for consumer goods. Increased stock sales by its officers tell us that Corporation X may be headed from an Enron-like implosion.
Liberal economists are concerned nowadays in determining which Americans are grossly overpaid. If the grossly overpaid are taxed at a higher rate than us common folk, the deficit will be reduced painlessly.
I contend that a strong indicator of excessive compensation is involvement with a Kardashian sister. Two of the Kardashian girls are currently married or engaged to professional basketball players. Reportedly, Khloe got a $2 million engagement ring from a reserve forward for the New Jersey Nets. Imagine what she could have received from a starter for the Lakers or Knicks.
Are pro basketball players overpaid? Total player compensation from the NBA is approximately $2.1 billion this year. There are 12 players on each of the league's thirty-two teams so average pay is about $5 million per hoopster. That should be plenty to keep those lads in sneakers and baggy shorts with enough left over to court "celeb-utants" like the Kardashians. Note that only eight of the twelve on an NBA roster typically see significant game action. Four guys collect $5 million per year to sit on the bench and cheer on their teammates. How can I get a job like that?
If the Kardashian girls start dating plumbers, it is time to look at their tax rates. Who would have thought that the social preferences of shallow Reality TV stars could be the indicator lighting the path to a balanced Federal budget?
Liberal economists are concerned nowadays in determining which Americans are grossly overpaid. If the grossly overpaid are taxed at a higher rate than us common folk, the deficit will be reduced painlessly.
I contend that a strong indicator of excessive compensation is involvement with a Kardashian sister. Two of the Kardashian girls are currently married or engaged to professional basketball players. Reportedly, Khloe got a $2 million engagement ring from a reserve forward for the New Jersey Nets. Imagine what she could have received from a starter for the Lakers or Knicks.
Are pro basketball players overpaid? Total player compensation from the NBA is approximately $2.1 billion this year. There are 12 players on each of the league's thirty-two teams so average pay is about $5 million per hoopster. That should be plenty to keep those lads in sneakers and baggy shorts with enough left over to court "celeb-utants" like the Kardashians. Note that only eight of the twelve on an NBA roster typically see significant game action. Four guys collect $5 million per year to sit on the bench and cheer on their teammates. How can I get a job like that?
If the Kardashian girls start dating plumbers, it is time to look at their tax rates. Who would have thought that the social preferences of shallow Reality TV stars could be the indicator lighting the path to a balanced Federal budget?
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
College - What Is It Good For?
A recent issue of The New Yorker included an article titled "What Is College Good For?". Evidently, the author's college experience was not "good for" learning not to end a sentence with a preposition.
College has changed since I matriculated (sounds obscene, doesn't it?) some 46 years ago. The article notes that:
1. More than twice as many degrees are awarded every year in Parks, Recreation, Leisure, and Fitness Studies than in Philosophy and Religion. This is not surprising in an era when every strip mall houses an LA Fitness or a Curves as opposed to a Philosophy Center. Better yet, undergraduates who find Fitness Studies a bit strenous (All that sweating, yuck!) can take extra Leisure courses. Napping 101 or Advanced Couch Potato 305, anyone?
2. The University of Nevada - Las Vegas offers a degree in Culinary Arts with an emphasis on Beverage Management. Do Beverage Management courses include Keg Tapping 101 and Fundamentals of Mint Muddling 400 for those popular mojitos? Actually, UNLV requires that Bev Man majors take courses in Philosophy, Political Science, and Economics. UNLV turns out bartenders who can converse on topics more advanced than "How about them Iggles?" with inebriated patrons.
3. More than half of undergraduates report that they read less than forty pages of assigned text per week and that they write less than twenty pages of original work per semester. They spend an average of twelve hours per week on schoolwork, but forty-three hours socializing and pursuing various forms of entertainment. Not counting Sundays, today's undergrads spend a brutal two hours per day on schoolwork. Fortunately, they have seven hours per day to recover from that strict regimen with socializing.
Despite these academic demands, roughly two-thirds of high school graduates go on to higher education. It's a tough choice:
A. Get a job after high school. Continue living at home because you can't afford your own place, food, car, etc.
B. Go to college. Break free of parental control to a wonderland of booze and babes with lodging and vittles paid for by those same parents who view it as a privilege to support "My son the college boy".
Actually, it's not a tough choice.
College has changed since I matriculated (sounds obscene, doesn't it?) some 46 years ago. The article notes that:
1. More than twice as many degrees are awarded every year in Parks, Recreation, Leisure, and Fitness Studies than in Philosophy and Religion. This is not surprising in an era when every strip mall houses an LA Fitness or a Curves as opposed to a Philosophy Center. Better yet, undergraduates who find Fitness Studies a bit strenous (All that sweating, yuck!) can take extra Leisure courses. Napping 101 or Advanced Couch Potato 305, anyone?
2. The University of Nevada - Las Vegas offers a degree in Culinary Arts with an emphasis on Beverage Management. Do Beverage Management courses include Keg Tapping 101 and Fundamentals of Mint Muddling 400 for those popular mojitos? Actually, UNLV requires that Bev Man majors take courses in Philosophy, Political Science, and Economics. UNLV turns out bartenders who can converse on topics more advanced than "How about them Iggles?" with inebriated patrons.
3. More than half of undergraduates report that they read less than forty pages of assigned text per week and that they write less than twenty pages of original work per semester. They spend an average of twelve hours per week on schoolwork, but forty-three hours socializing and pursuing various forms of entertainment. Not counting Sundays, today's undergrads spend a brutal two hours per day on schoolwork. Fortunately, they have seven hours per day to recover from that strict regimen with socializing.
Despite these academic demands, roughly two-thirds of high school graduates go on to higher education. It's a tough choice:
A. Get a job after high school. Continue living at home because you can't afford your own place, food, car, etc.
B. Go to college. Break free of parental control to a wonderland of booze and babes with lodging and vittles paid for by those same parents who view it as a privilege to support "My son the college boy".
Actually, it's not a tough choice.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Save the Hamsters
Ah, the French.
You can't beat their fries, toast, and cut green beans. Also, they gave us the Statue of Liberty and the arms, naval power, and troops that allowed us to win our Revolution at Yorktown. Of course, they didn't support us when we invaded Iraq, but we showed them by substituting Freedom Fries for french fries with our burgers in the Congressional Cafeteria. Franco - American relations have been cordial, even warm, for eight years now.
But wait until PETA hears about this! The European Court of Justice ruled last week that the French government is not doing enough to protect its hamsters. Apparently, the 10-inch rodents live wild in a small enclave in Alsace. The government is obligated to conserve this protected species, but local farmers consider them a pest. Rumor has its that hamster fricassee is on the menu at certain Alsatian farmhouses along with snails, frog legs and the other disgusting things that those French eat.
Did Tom Hanks and Matt Damon storm the beaches of Normandy so that French farmers would be free to eat adorable hamsters? I think not! I say that red-blooded Americans should strike back by insisting on English chips instead of french fries at McDonalds. We can handle a little vinegar on our deep-fried potatoes if it saves endangered rodents. We should opt for Texas Toast with our Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts in place of french toast. It is bigger anyway. And those furry little hamsters will thank us if we cut our green beans straight across instead of slant-wise. Is that too much to ask?
Save the hamsters!
You can't beat their fries, toast, and cut green beans. Also, they gave us the Statue of Liberty and the arms, naval power, and troops that allowed us to win our Revolution at Yorktown. Of course, they didn't support us when we invaded Iraq, but we showed them by substituting Freedom Fries for french fries with our burgers in the Congressional Cafeteria. Franco - American relations have been cordial, even warm, for eight years now.
But wait until PETA hears about this! The European Court of Justice ruled last week that the French government is not doing enough to protect its hamsters. Apparently, the 10-inch rodents live wild in a small enclave in Alsace. The government is obligated to conserve this protected species, but local farmers consider them a pest. Rumor has its that hamster fricassee is on the menu at certain Alsatian farmhouses along with snails, frog legs and the other disgusting things that those French eat.
Did Tom Hanks and Matt Damon storm the beaches of Normandy so that French farmers would be free to eat adorable hamsters? I think not! I say that red-blooded Americans should strike back by insisting on English chips instead of french fries at McDonalds. We can handle a little vinegar on our deep-fried potatoes if it saves endangered rodents. We should opt for Texas Toast with our Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts in place of french toast. It is bigger anyway. And those furry little hamsters will thank us if we cut our green beans straight across instead of slant-wise. Is that too much to ask?
Save the hamsters!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Liquid Gold
Experts agree that consumer spending will lead the nation out of its current economic doldrums. The problem is that consumer confidence is low. Twenty years ago, Americans felt rich every time our 401(k) statement came in the mail showing thousands of dollars in stock market gains. "Might as well buy that new pick-up truck with the custom gun rack, Jolene. We can borrow against our 401(k)." Then the dot com bubble burst and our retirement nest egg was worth less than we had put into it.
Ten years ago, Americans felt rich every time a "Sold" sign went up on the neighbor's ramshackle house. "Did you hear what the Johnsons got for that dump down the street, Jim Bob? If their house is worth $200K, ours is worth twice that. Let's refinance and use the money for that vacation at Dollywood that we've always dreamed about." Then the real estate market crashed and our houses are worth less than our mortgages.
The economy has recovered a little in the last year or so. That might be due to stratospheric gold prices. "Winona, I traded in your scrap jewelry for cold, hard cash just like it says on that infomercial. Now we can afford to go to Applebee's instead of McDonald's for our anniversary dinner. Ordering off the $1 Value Menu last year was embarrassing."
Alas, the economy is slowing again. Perhaps we ran out of gold chains and old class rings. What does the average American possess that can raise his confidence and get him spending again? How about Liquid Gold?
A Bethlehem man was convicted of assault this week over a bottle of urine. Brian was playing poker last year. He had a great hand, but not enough money to stay in the pot. Brian claimed that he has a bottle of clean, drug-free urine in his truck that was worth at least $300. Kyle was also in the game, also had a good hand, and really needed some clean urine to pass a pre-employment drug screening.
As fate would have it, Kyle won the hand. Brian didn't really have the precious urine. Kyle beat the crap out of Brian. The police arrived and the wheels of justice turned.
But that is not the important point. My 401(k) still isn't worth the postage to mail it. My Colonial Ranch house is worth less than my kid's Barbie Dream House. I can't find my high school girlfriend to return my class ring. But, by God, I can provide at least $300 worth of Liquid Gold each and every day. That's $2,100 per week or $100 K per year! And to think that I've just flushed it away for years.
My consumer confidence is at an all-time high. "Shania, we're going to buy that RV and hit every gun show east of the Mississippi this summer. $4 per gallon gas, so what?"
Ten years ago, Americans felt rich every time a "Sold" sign went up on the neighbor's ramshackle house. "Did you hear what the Johnsons got for that dump down the street, Jim Bob? If their house is worth $200K, ours is worth twice that. Let's refinance and use the money for that vacation at Dollywood that we've always dreamed about." Then the real estate market crashed and our houses are worth less than our mortgages.
The economy has recovered a little in the last year or so. That might be due to stratospheric gold prices. "Winona, I traded in your scrap jewelry for cold, hard cash just like it says on that infomercial. Now we can afford to go to Applebee's instead of McDonald's for our anniversary dinner. Ordering off the $1 Value Menu last year was embarrassing."
Alas, the economy is slowing again. Perhaps we ran out of gold chains and old class rings. What does the average American possess that can raise his confidence and get him spending again? How about Liquid Gold?
A Bethlehem man was convicted of assault this week over a bottle of urine. Brian was playing poker last year. He had a great hand, but not enough money to stay in the pot. Brian claimed that he has a bottle of clean, drug-free urine in his truck that was worth at least $300. Kyle was also in the game, also had a good hand, and really needed some clean urine to pass a pre-employment drug screening.
As fate would have it, Kyle won the hand. Brian didn't really have the precious urine. Kyle beat the crap out of Brian. The police arrived and the wheels of justice turned.
But that is not the important point. My 401(k) still isn't worth the postage to mail it. My Colonial Ranch house is worth less than my kid's Barbie Dream House. I can't find my high school girlfriend to return my class ring. But, by God, I can provide at least $300 worth of Liquid Gold each and every day. That's $2,100 per week or $100 K per year! And to think that I've just flushed it away for years.
My consumer confidence is at an all-time high. "Shania, we're going to buy that RV and hit every gun show east of the Mississippi this summer. $4 per gallon gas, so what?"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Career Indoctrination
Career Shadow Day was a highlight of junior year at my high school. Our Guidance Counselor would pair us with local firms and we spent the school day "shadowing" a worker in our chosen field. The future doctors, nurses, and health professionals shuffled off to local hospitals. Budding fashion designers trekked to local department stores (No malls in those primitive days). We questioned Danny Capwell when he stated his career choice as "truck driver", but he ended up having the best time of us all riding in a big rig and getting free beers at a truck stop.
I had an ulterior motive for my career choice - "meteorologist". I got to spend the day at the airport as one of only three guys with about twenty girls who all wanted to be stewardesses. In those sexist days, flight attendants were exclusively female, under the age of 30, and met certain height / weight restrictions. In other words, they were babes.
Memories of Career Shadow Day flooded back to me today when I read that an Allentown native has chosen his career - Professional Eater. This young man entered various local hot dog and wing eating contests and hopes to break into the big time with Joey Chestnut, Nathan's Hot Dog King, and the redoubtable Kobayashi. Where would Guidance Counselor Miss Noone have sent this future Competitive Eater? To the school cafeteria? No! The Constitution forbids "cruel and unusual punishment".
Miss Noone's choice would undoubtedly have been The Texas Lunch, Home of Scranton's version of Coney Island Wieners. The Texas Lunch was a far cry from Yocco's with their mere dab of "special sauce that's one of a kind." The Texas Lunch featured 1/4 lb hot dogs fried in grease and literally smothered in an onion-laden meaty chili sauce. After consuming one wiener, one could engage in conversation with others as long as a 5' breath dilution zone was maintained. After two or more, one's breath would blister paint.
The Texas Lunch Experience would be the ultimate test for budding Competitive Eaters. If they could witness the preparation, then consume a half dozen wieners, look out Joey Chestnut.
I had an ulterior motive for my career choice - "meteorologist". I got to spend the day at the airport as one of only three guys with about twenty girls who all wanted to be stewardesses. In those sexist days, flight attendants were exclusively female, under the age of 30, and met certain height / weight restrictions. In other words, they were babes.
Memories of Career Shadow Day flooded back to me today when I read that an Allentown native has chosen his career - Professional Eater. This young man entered various local hot dog and wing eating contests and hopes to break into the big time with Joey Chestnut, Nathan's Hot Dog King, and the redoubtable Kobayashi. Where would Guidance Counselor Miss Noone have sent this future Competitive Eater? To the school cafeteria? No! The Constitution forbids "cruel and unusual punishment".
Miss Noone's choice would undoubtedly have been The Texas Lunch, Home of Scranton's version of Coney Island Wieners. The Texas Lunch was a far cry from Yocco's with their mere dab of "special sauce that's one of a kind." The Texas Lunch featured 1/4 lb hot dogs fried in grease and literally smothered in an onion-laden meaty chili sauce. After consuming one wiener, one could engage in conversation with others as long as a 5' breath dilution zone was maintained. After two or more, one's breath would blister paint.
The Texas Lunch Experience would be the ultimate test for budding Competitive Eaters. If they could witness the preparation, then consume a half dozen wieners, look out Joey Chestnut.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
How Much Easier It Is For Kids Today
The first heat wave of the summer inevitably resulted in its first sunburn as we Children of the 50s not having home air conditioning or video games flocked to local swimming holes. Our upper arms turned a bright and painful red except for a dime-sized spot that remained blindingly white - our vaccination scar. It was like a tribal ritual marking. "When a child reaches the age of instruction, he or she must endure a painful scraping of the upper arm as a talisman against the evil Smallpox Devil even though no one in the tribe has experienced the Devil's presence."
Apparently, smallpox was not eradicated by 1965 because I had to be re-vaccinated before Lafayette College would allow me to matriculate there. Naturally, I jostled the scab the next day. It fell off and the good stuff below evaporated. I never developed a second smallpox-defeating scar. "That freshman lacks a fresh vaccination scar. Kick him out of college and inform his Draft Board that he is eligible for military service!" Can't have that. I wore long sleeves until graduation.
What was the "good stuff" anyway? How did smallpox vaccination work? A recent issue of the New Yorker spills the beans. Cattle were infected with a virus similar to smallpox. They broke out into pus-filled sores. That pus, chock-full of antibodies, was extracted and combined with a stabilizing agent. The vaccine-recipient's skin was cut and rubbed raw to get to the blood-rich dermal layer. The "good stuff" was applied. A scab formed to protect the "good stuff" as it worked its way into the recipient's blood stream.
In other words, we Children of the 50s had to have disgusting pus from sick cattle injected into our bodies before we we allowed to go to school.
Today, smallpox is eradicated and kids no longer have to endure vaccination against it. We oldsters can add "We had to be vaccinated" to our litany of "How Much Easier It Is For Kids Today":
"We had to walk to school, uphill, both ways, in blizzards"
"Teachers were allowed to hit us with wooden paddles or rulers."
"We had to learn cursive penmanship, including that tricky capital Q that looks like the number 2 only bigger. Where did that come from?
Apparently, smallpox was not eradicated by 1965 because I had to be re-vaccinated before Lafayette College would allow me to matriculate there. Naturally, I jostled the scab the next day. It fell off and the good stuff below evaporated. I never developed a second smallpox-defeating scar. "That freshman lacks a fresh vaccination scar. Kick him out of college and inform his Draft Board that he is eligible for military service!" Can't have that. I wore long sleeves until graduation.
What was the "good stuff" anyway? How did smallpox vaccination work? A recent issue of the New Yorker spills the beans. Cattle were infected with a virus similar to smallpox. They broke out into pus-filled sores. That pus, chock-full of antibodies, was extracted and combined with a stabilizing agent. The vaccine-recipient's skin was cut and rubbed raw to get to the blood-rich dermal layer. The "good stuff" was applied. A scab formed to protect the "good stuff" as it worked its way into the recipient's blood stream.
In other words, we Children of the 50s had to have disgusting pus from sick cattle injected into our bodies before we we allowed to go to school.
Today, smallpox is eradicated and kids no longer have to endure vaccination against it. We oldsters can add "We had to be vaccinated" to our litany of "How Much Easier It Is For Kids Today":
"We had to walk to school, uphill, both ways, in blizzards"
"Teachers were allowed to hit us with wooden paddles or rulers."
"We had to learn cursive penmanship, including that tricky capital Q that looks like the number 2 only bigger. Where did that come from?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Rehab
"They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no-no-no," sang Amy Winehouse a couple of years ago. Amy actually did go to rehab eventually as did Lindsay Lohan and many other celebs. How can one convince a wealthy celebrity to suffer the agonies of rehabilitation? After all, being rich and famous should allow one to screw up her life.
The answer may lie right here in the Lehigh Valley. Two months ago, Bethlehem police recovered an alligator near Monocacy Creek. It was "strapped with a dog harness and its mouth was taped shut before it was taken to a holding cell at the police station" according to news reports. Apparently, there is a Reptile Epidemic in the Christmas City. Last week, a 3 foot long gator was plucked from the same creek. This time, Bethlehem police transported the reptile to a facility in the Poconos for "rehabilitation".
What is the message here for Christmas City substance abusers? If you are arrested by Bethlehem's Finest, you must choose between time in a holding cell with a live and by now very hungry alligator or, if you can afford it, a rehab stint in the Poconos still with a gator but one who is "rehabilitated". I know the choice I would make.
Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan have gone in and out of rehab several times. Perhaps authorities in London (for Amy) and Los Angeles (for Lindsay) should follow the "scared straight" tactics used in Bethlehem and use man-eating reptiles to make rehab stick.
"They tried to make me go to rehab. I said better than being eaten by a gator in a holding cell. Yes -yes-yes."
The answer may lie right here in the Lehigh Valley. Two months ago, Bethlehem police recovered an alligator near Monocacy Creek. It was "strapped with a dog harness and its mouth was taped shut before it was taken to a holding cell at the police station" according to news reports. Apparently, there is a Reptile Epidemic in the Christmas City. Last week, a 3 foot long gator was plucked from the same creek. This time, Bethlehem police transported the reptile to a facility in the Poconos for "rehabilitation".
What is the message here for Christmas City substance abusers? If you are arrested by Bethlehem's Finest, you must choose between time in a holding cell with a live and by now very hungry alligator or, if you can afford it, a rehab stint in the Poconos still with a gator but one who is "rehabilitated". I know the choice I would make.
Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan have gone in and out of rehab several times. Perhaps authorities in London (for Amy) and Los Angeles (for Lindsay) should follow the "scared straight" tactics used in Bethlehem and use man-eating reptiles to make rehab stick.
"They tried to make me go to rehab. I said better than being eaten by a gator in a holding cell. Yes -yes-yes."
Monday, June 6, 2011
Fall Back Instructions
We Army Basic Trainees were given the following Fall-Back Instructions - "If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, paint it or polish it." Fall-Back Instructions are, by definition, simple and require zero thought.
Fall-Back Instructions for school administrators are apparently - "For any extraordinary circumstance, lock down the school".
Last Thursday, Berlin (NJ) Community School hosted its annual Reptile Day when an animal handler brings in snakes and such so that eighth grade boys can gross out eighth grade girls by running their hands over the slimy beasts (which actually aren't slimy at all - a teaching point that usually doesn't sink in) and then threatening to touch the girls. This particular animal handler also included a 6 foot long alligator in his demonstration. NJ Governor Chris Christie is right! Public schools in the Garden State are clearly over-funded. Let's get those alligators (and a few of those overpaid teachers) out of our classrooms! Property taxes are sure to go down.
Apparently, the gator was having a bad day. While sitting on his handler's lap, he became aggressive and tore at the handler's pant leg.
School administrators responded by clearing students from the room (a good idea) and placing the school on lock down (?).
"Mrs Johnson, you may want to delay your trip to school to pick up Tiffany for her orthodontist's appointment today. The school is on lock down. There's an enraged alligator running through our halls so we logically decided to make sure that all the kids remain in the building. I'm sure Tiff isn't traumatized after watching a gator take a swipe at its handler."
Fall-Back Instructions for school administrators are apparently - "For any extraordinary circumstance, lock down the school".
Last Thursday, Berlin (NJ) Community School hosted its annual Reptile Day when an animal handler brings in snakes and such so that eighth grade boys can gross out eighth grade girls by running their hands over the slimy beasts (which actually aren't slimy at all - a teaching point that usually doesn't sink in) and then threatening to touch the girls. This particular animal handler also included a 6 foot long alligator in his demonstration. NJ Governor Chris Christie is right! Public schools in the Garden State are clearly over-funded. Let's get those alligators (and a few of those overpaid teachers) out of our classrooms! Property taxes are sure to go down.
Apparently, the gator was having a bad day. While sitting on his handler's lap, he became aggressive and tore at the handler's pant leg.
School administrators responded by clearing students from the room (a good idea) and placing the school on lock down (?).
"Mrs Johnson, you may want to delay your trip to school to pick up Tiffany for her orthodontist's appointment today. The school is on lock down. There's an enraged alligator running through our halls so we logically decided to make sure that all the kids remain in the building. I'm sure Tiff isn't traumatized after watching a gator take a swipe at its handler."
Friday, June 3, 2011
Oh, Canada!
In a little-noticed sports story, the National Hockey League's Atlanta Thrashers moved north of the border to Winnipeg this week. Those thieving Canucks have done it again!
Granted, hockey is Canada's national sport and most NHL players are Canadians. Also, the Canadian dollar is worth more than the US dollar nowadays. It makes sense that the players would want to be skate in front of raucous, sold-out arenas north of the border and get paid in a more valuable currency rather than before a tepid crowd that is there hoping only for on-ice fisticuffs. The question remains - What did we ever do to Canada to make them so mad at us that they stole one of our hockey teams?
Joe Canada might respond:
You Americans mock us when we say "aboot" or "organ-eye-zation".
Your Microsoft spell check underlines "colour", "harbour", and all of our properly British spelling. Whose language is it anyway?
You stole Justin Bieber from us and won't give him back. You also stole Celine Dion, but you can keep her.
You show respect to your Neighbor to the South by building a wall to keep them out but all you have on your northern border are a few Border Agents to check for Havana cigars and cheap pharmaceuticals.
Darn right, we Canadians are mad and we're not going to take it any more. We may even start driving on the left side of the road like our British cousins. See how many traffic tickets we give out to your fishermen when they come north, but only in the summer because you wimpy Americans can't take our winter weather
Granted, hockey is Canada's national sport and most NHL players are Canadians. Also, the Canadian dollar is worth more than the US dollar nowadays. It makes sense that the players would want to be skate in front of raucous, sold-out arenas north of the border and get paid in a more valuable currency rather than before a tepid crowd that is there hoping only for on-ice fisticuffs. The question remains - What did we ever do to Canada to make them so mad at us that they stole one of our hockey teams?
Joe Canada might respond:
You Americans mock us when we say "aboot" or "organ-eye-zation".
Your Microsoft spell check underlines "colour", "harbour", and all of our properly British spelling. Whose language is it anyway?
You stole Justin Bieber from us and won't give him back. You also stole Celine Dion, but you can keep her.
You show respect to your Neighbor to the South by building a wall to keep them out but all you have on your northern border are a few Border Agents to check for Havana cigars and cheap pharmaceuticals.
Darn right, we Canadians are mad and we're not going to take it any more. We may even start driving on the left side of the road like our British cousins. See how many traffic tickets we give out to your fishermen when they come north, but only in the summer because you wimpy Americans can't take our winter weather
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Optimism
A recent Time magazine article delved into optimism. Apparently, there is a scientific explanation for why we believe that while things are going straight downhill for the other 6 billion people in the world, our Facebook page will remain full of brilliant accomplishments and insanely good times.
The article included these interesting statistics supposedly showing our unfounded optimism:
10% of Americans expect to live to be 100. In reality, only 0.2% will achieve centenarian status. We know that the odds are slim of reaching 100, but who is going to die first, health-conscious me or that 300 lb woman smoking a cigarette and pounding down a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee? That's not optimism. It's a fact, Jack.
0% of U.S. marriage license applicants feel they will divorce. Statistically, 55% of marriages terminate in the legal system. This is like asking passengers at the airline boarding gate if they feel that their flight will crash. If we expect a plane crash or a divorce, we don't board the plane or apply for a marriage license. That's not optimism. It is common sense.
93% of Americans believe that they are in the top 50th percentile for driving ability. Actually, I'm surprised that the figure is as low as 93%. Even that little old lady tooling along at 45 mph in the passing lane with her turn signal on and her headlights off thinks that she is a veritable Mario Andretti compared to those idiots passing her on the right. That's not optimism. It's human nature.
It would be interesting to survey the drivers who admit that their ability is not up to snuff. The 7% group is either incredibly modest or a definite hazard on the roads. "I'm not much of a driver because I'm legally blind." "Ever since I hurt my neck, I can't turn my head. Those oncoming drivers really honk their horns at me when I pull out into traffic without looking." "I thought I was a good driver until someone told me that if a stop sign has a white border, it doesn't mean that stopping is optional. I guess that explains some of my accidents."
The article included these interesting statistics supposedly showing our unfounded optimism:
10% of Americans expect to live to be 100. In reality, only 0.2% will achieve centenarian status. We know that the odds are slim of reaching 100, but who is going to die first, health-conscious me or that 300 lb woman smoking a cigarette and pounding down a bag of Cheetos and a Slurpee? That's not optimism. It's a fact, Jack.
0% of U.S. marriage license applicants feel they will divorce. Statistically, 55% of marriages terminate in the legal system. This is like asking passengers at the airline boarding gate if they feel that their flight will crash. If we expect a plane crash or a divorce, we don't board the plane or apply for a marriage license. That's not optimism. It is common sense.
93% of Americans believe that they are in the top 50th percentile for driving ability. Actually, I'm surprised that the figure is as low as 93%. Even that little old lady tooling along at 45 mph in the passing lane with her turn signal on and her headlights off thinks that she is a veritable Mario Andretti compared to those idiots passing her on the right. That's not optimism. It's human nature.
It would be interesting to survey the drivers who admit that their ability is not up to snuff. The 7% group is either incredibly modest or a definite hazard on the roads. "I'm not much of a driver because I'm legally blind." "Ever since I hurt my neck, I can't turn my head. Those oncoming drivers really honk their horns at me when I pull out into traffic without looking." "I thought I was a good driver until someone told me that if a stop sign has a white border, it doesn't mean that stopping is optional. I guess that explains some of my accidents."
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Combat Lite
Obesity is a major health problem in America today. How can we burn those calories that accumulate during marathon sessions of Facebook and The Sims?
How about "good exercise in a fun outdoor environment" that "teaches teamwork and leadership skills"? An Allentown entrepreneur promises this with his proposed 6 acre airsoft gun playing field in Williams Township. It's like paintball without all the clean-up. Airsoft guns fire plastic pellets that are "slower than paintballs and are less painful when they strike". Less pain, no weight gain! Now, there's incentive toward a healthy activity.
"You're moving all day. The adrenaline is running. It's a very real feeling and a lot of fun. But it isn't for everyone. If you don't like the idea of going into the woods and shooting other people, don't come here." says the entrepreneur.
How ironic that this article appeared in the newspaper on the day after Memorial Day when we remember those who were sent into the woods (or the jungle or the desert) and told to shoot other people and never came back. From personal experience, we were "moving all day", "our adrenaline was running", and it was a "very real experience." It was definitely not a lot of fun though. I doubt that anyone who actually experienced combat actually "liked the idea of ...shooting other people" once they saw the damage that a bullet can do.
I will pass up the opportunity to engage in airsoft gun combat. It might be good for my physical health, but my mental health would suffer.
How about "good exercise in a fun outdoor environment" that "teaches teamwork and leadership skills"? An Allentown entrepreneur promises this with his proposed 6 acre airsoft gun playing field in Williams Township. It's like paintball without all the clean-up. Airsoft guns fire plastic pellets that are "slower than paintballs and are less painful when they strike". Less pain, no weight gain! Now, there's incentive toward a healthy activity.
"You're moving all day. The adrenaline is running. It's a very real feeling and a lot of fun. But it isn't for everyone. If you don't like the idea of going into the woods and shooting other people, don't come here." says the entrepreneur.
How ironic that this article appeared in the newspaper on the day after Memorial Day when we remember those who were sent into the woods (or the jungle or the desert) and told to shoot other people and never came back. From personal experience, we were "moving all day", "our adrenaline was running", and it was a "very real experience." It was definitely not a lot of fun though. I doubt that anyone who actually experienced combat actually "liked the idea of ...shooting other people" once they saw the damage that a bullet can do.
I will pass up the opportunity to engage in airsoft gun combat. It might be good for my physical health, but my mental health would suffer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)