The FDR Challenge

Rookie's Sports Bar in Allentown will re-open soon as the Queen City branch of Roosevelt's 21st of Bethlehem. The new owners will offer the same menu as that at the Bethlehem location to include the Famous FDR Challenge. This gastronomic tribute to our 32d president gives Allentonians a mere 30 minutes to devour three half-pound burgers, three slices of pork roll, three fried eggs, and six pieces of bacon plus a large helping of chili cheese fries. The wait staff is fully trained in CPR. Defibrillators are available on site and the Cardiac Emergency Room at all local hospitals are on high alert.

FDR famously pronounced, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well, that and 4,000 calories of cholesterol-laden fried food in a sitting.

At which of the Five Stages of Drunkenness would one be tempted to take the Famous FDR Challenge?

Clever - Here you are an expert on every topic under the sun and anyone who disagrees with you is obviously wrong. This is not the time for the Challenge. It is difficult to spew insults at your fellow drinkers with a mouth full of chili cheese fries..

Attractive - Obviously you are the most attractive person in the establishment and everyone wants to meet you. You remain sufficiently sober to realize that even Brad Pitt would look bad with egg yolk dripping down his shirt and semi-masticated bacon between his teeth. No Challenge yet.

Rich - Your bottomless wallet allows you to bet on whether the ballplayer on TV will scratch his groin area before the next pitch. Because you are clever, you win. You can afford to buy drinks for the college girls in the corner booth and because you are attractive, you won't be going home alone tonight. The Challenge can wait. Those girls might want to leave in the next 30 minutes.

Bulletproof - You could pound Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers into submission without even breaking a sweat. This is the point where the devious wait staff mentions the Challenge and, of course, you accept.

Maudlin - This is the final stage of drunkenness. Your regrets at your maltreatment of those near and dear to you are exceeded only by the extreme digestive distress from the Challenge.