Liquid Gold

Experts agree that consumer spending will lead the nation out of its current economic doldrums. The problem is that consumer confidence is low. Twenty years ago, Americans felt rich every time our 401(k) statement came in the mail showing thousands of dollars in stock market gains. "Might as well buy that new pick-up truck with the custom gun rack, Jolene. We can borrow against our 401(k)." Then the dot com bubble burst and our retirement nest egg was worth less than we had put into it.

Ten years ago, Americans felt rich every time a "Sold" sign went up on the neighbor's ramshackle house. "Did you hear what the Johnsons got for that dump down the street, Jim Bob? If their house is worth $200K, ours is worth twice that. Let's refinance and use the money for that vacation at Dollywood that we've always dreamed about." Then the real estate market crashed and our houses are worth less than our mortgages.

The economy has recovered a little in the last year or so. That might be due to stratospheric gold prices. "Winona, I traded in your scrap jewelry for cold, hard cash just like it says on that infomercial. Now we can afford to go to Applebee's instead of McDonald's for our anniversary dinner. Ordering off the $1 Value Menu last year was embarrassing."

Alas, the economy is slowing again. Perhaps we ran out of gold chains and old class rings. What does the average American possess that can raise his confidence and get him spending again? How about Liquid Gold?

A Bethlehem man was convicted of assault this week over a bottle of urine. Brian was playing poker last year. He had a great hand, but not enough money to stay in the pot. Brian claimed that he has a bottle of clean, drug-free urine in his truck that was worth at least $300. Kyle was also in the game, also had a good hand, and really needed some clean urine to pass a pre-employment drug screening.

As fate would have it, Kyle won the hand. Brian didn't really have the precious urine. Kyle beat the crap out of Brian. The police arrived and the wheels of justice turned.

But that is not the important point. My 401(k) still isn't worth the postage to mail it. My Colonial Ranch house is worth less than my kid's Barbie Dream House. I can't find my high school girlfriend to return my class ring. But, by God, I can provide at least $300 worth of Liquid Gold each and every day. That's $2,100 per week or $100 K per year! And to think that I've just flushed it away for years.

My consumer confidence is at an all-time high. "Shania, we're going to buy that RV and hit every gun show east of the Mississippi this summer. $4 per gallon gas, so what?"